i'm going to try to update this as much as i can, not sure if it will be any use to anyone, more for me..
so this is day 2
my wife is still really mad at me, after 2 weeks since she found out about my last P... (feel i should explain) we have been married for 4 years, we were seeing each other for a year before we got married..she moved in with me a few months after we met( pritty quick i know but it felt right) prior to that i was single for 2 years, were i surfed P online most nights, but this habbit stemmed from a young teenager, when satalite tv was all the rage, staying up till 12mid night to watch the 10 min preview...think thats were my problem started.
so not long after she moved in, she discovered my stash of porn on the computer..i denied to myself and her that this was not a problem, and that i would stop..since then she has had monertering software on pc that lets her see what i've been doing, that helped..but it seems she was right when she said that if i have a means to get P i will...and so we got a ps3, as soon as i hooked it up to the internet, i was of surfing P... the urge to look was overwelming..so again she discovered this low act of mine, again i swore it would stop so she put passcodes on the ps3, but a a month ago i cracked her code..and yes i gave in to temptation..and now here i am.
but this time its differant i feel more motivated to stop, for myself more than anyone...i don't want this in my life, i feel so much better when i know i'm not lieing or worring if i have left any evidence...
so as i said its 2 weeks with no porn i'm doing well, and feel positive
p.s i know my spelling and grama is awful sorry, but english was never my strong point
but this time its differant i feel more motivated to stop, for myself more than anyone...i don't want this in my life, i feel so much better when i know i'm not lieing or worring if i have left any evidence...
Hi Bodget, Congrats on making this statement. The difference you feel this time is the difference between success and failure.
Your not lying to anyone, including yourself. That is so important.
I can relate to many things you have said in your opening post, Gosh I remember waiting up till midnight to catch the 10 min preview, and then still feel that monster within enraged that it didnt get is full fix after the screen goes all blurry. Gosh, how sad were we!
Well 2 weeks P free, is nothing to be sniffed at, Your doing really well, Of course your wife will be upset, and possibly still angry, but dont dwell on that too much. If you remain true to yourself, and positively change your routines to remain P free, both you and your wife will see the change in you as a person, and both of you in terms of your relationship.
I joined this site very much like you in January, since that day, I have not looked at P. Its tough, I tell you that, but the focus on the benefits, and you will both reap the rewards.
Best of strength and keep posting. Dont worry about your grammar and spelling, This site is all about you and getting the best you can for yourself and helping others on the way.
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
well the wife hates me, its offical..i'm finding it hard, i know i deserve everything i get, and should be humble.. but it hurts when she calls me horrible names..probably because the truth hurts as they say,
i'm sleeping in spare room at moment, our comunication has broken down, she just very mad with me... glad i work in the day.. then have time with my daughter when i get home..
but i'm still posative we can get through this.. is just going to take time.
i'm struggling to be able to talk to my wife about my problem, its like i know i have this addiction, but find it hard to open up and talk to her about it,
( More background )
In my late teens i dabbled in drugs..mainly exstacy and speed, on weekends with a small group of close friends, this we did for about 2 years on and off...now i got myself off this realising one day that every monday i had not much money left, so i quit the class A stuff only very ocasionaly having a bit of coke at party's , now my wife klnows about this past of mine which i'm not proud of, but also don't regret... in that time i smoked pot, which i did up untill i met the wife, she told me then her dislike of people who did that sort of thing, so i made a disision to quit for good, however i relapst a few times which she found out about...
but for the last 3 months i've also been smoke free ( yes i've stopped smoking) which i did for 23 years OMG!!!!! so i'm quitting all my addictions you see...
the point of this ramble was i can prove i've stopped smoking pot by the not smoking but how do i prove to her, i've stopped looking at P, also how do i talk to her, feel like she judging me all the time,, and i suppose i don't want to have to explain why i got the urge to look at P, thats the hard part for me, coz its like admitting i find it more4 attractive than herr, which isn't true btw,
Last edited by bodget1974; 07-23-2008 at 10:59 PM.
we have argued again tonight, well its not really a big argument..more i couldn't explain myself very well.. think its because i need outside opinions and advise from other PA i'm not ready to explain in a way she will understand, i still don't fully understand, why i'm like this.
Last edited by bodget1974; 07-24-2008 at 11:22 PM.
There are many times that I just can't put things into words, and when I try, it always comes off different than I mean. I know this happens to my boyfriend too, so he just doesn't write it (or say it ) That is what I think is great about forums. I can read things written by people in the same situation, who are able to say exactly what I am feeling. When I see a post that helps express my feelings, I copy and paste it, and then show it to him. Or I save it for myself, and adjust it if need be. Maybe in looking through other people's journals, you will be able to find things already written to help you express to her how you are feeling, or even to help yourself figure things out. Good luck!
The Following User Says Thank You to still_angry For This Useful Post:
not much to report i'm feeling ok... work was usual rush, glad to be home.
not thought about P actually for a couple of weeks...thats got to be good!
i would just love to be able to make things up to my wife, i hate what i've done but i did it.. ya know.. can't change that... i really don't know where to start... i'm pritty shit like that, i honestly feel i'm finished with P, maybe thats s brave statement, but i believe it, just wish she would believe me.
well had a good weekend with the wifes family... we went there had a barbi on sunday which was good, i'm still finding it hard to approach my wife and just explain things, i think the thing is i really don't know where to start..i think sorry just doesn't begin to cover it..so i end up not saying anything, i don't know how to approach the subject, also i wait for the right moment but it never seems to come... we have a 3 year old who is great but can be hard work, which in some cases is good because it gives us a break from the subject of P..anyway think this journel is more going to be a place for me to say the things i want to say to her... as in i'm so sorry for sinking to the lowest depths again, and that i promise not to fall down there again, i'm determined this time...
i've said all that before, and failed, and yes i'm scared i'll fall again... but i'm determined to beat this addiction i've got, this horrible demon in me, which destroys my relationship..
i will prevale.
The Following User Says Thank You to bodget1974 For This Useful Post:
Bodget, your making great progress, firstly, you need to acknowledge that.
I read in all your posts that you are really cut up, that you have opened your eyes completely now and paining that things are tough between you and your wife. So you know that I can relate to this I too have a daughter of 4years old. And in the beginning weeks, it was a daughter that made us converse and possibly laugh and have a nice moment. But the rest of the time, there was the horrible atmosphere, and I just wanted to deperatley say sorry, and ask my wife can everything just be normal now please. But then why should it, this atmosphere was ultimatley created by me, and I would need a thousand fingers to count how many times i have apologised before.
So I broke things down for myself and made it simple for myself to understand.
1) I have ruined the meaning of sorry - therefore I shant use it
2) I have ruined the meaning of promise - therefore i shant use it
3) I will not expect my wife to trust me again - I dont need it
4) I know my wife loves me so much, else she would not have tried again, she would have just walked out.
So point 4 was me hanging on a thread, I decided to put all my focus on that thread, and make it stronger. Turning that thread into a thick piece of rope so to speak.
In that scenario, I felt, actions really do speak louder than words, I didnt trust myself that I was going to succeed on this journey, I honestly thought, this might just buy me another month!
But I really educated myself on this site, and I really did plan, and I was extremely focussed. For me that is how I have been successful to this date.
It took over 2 weeks before my and my wife actually spoke as properly. Before we even held hands etc. I just saw this as an opportunity to romance and win my wifes heart all over again.
7 months + and we have a better relationship now than our last 5 years of marriage. Sometimes things really do have to hit rock bottom before you can build new foundations again.
Dominus said something to me at the begining of my journey, that I will repeat to you.
This will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you.
(hard to beleive now - but followed by a lot of effort, look back on this later, and see if it stands true)
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
1) I have ruined the meaning of sorry - therefore I shant use it
2) I have ruined the meaning of promise - therefore i shant use it
3) I will not expect my wife to trust me again - I dont need it
4) I know my wife loves me so much, else she would not have tried again, she would have just walked out.
FM
thats good advice..
the first 3 points are probably how i'm thinking now, and point 4...well i don't know, would like to think so, but after how i've behaved i don't see how she can..
Bodget1974's Journal -
07-22-2008, 10:05 PM
..i'm finding it hard, i know i deserve everything i get, and should be humble.. but it hurts when she calls me horrible names..probably because the truth hurts as they say, 
) That is what I think is great about forums. I can read things written by people in the same situation, who are able to say exactly what I am feeling. When I see a post that helps express my feelings, I copy and paste it, and then show it to him. Or I save it for myself, and adjust it if need be. Maybe in looking through other people's journals, you will be able to find things already written to help you express to her how you are feeling, or even to help yourself figure things out. Good luck!
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