i'm on my own tonight.. my wife is away at a school reunion, so now is when i'm usually thinking of looking at P, however tonight is differant, i know the signals, when it starts... i'm not letting it happen.. i'm beating this,
things at home have slowly been getting better, i hope my wife is starting to see i want to change, i'm trying to change my whole attitude, but it is hard, but i will get there...
last night was bad, i ended up sleeping on couch... we had an argument or well really it was my wife telling me how crap i was..because of the way i'd acted, let me explain, Since my last p activity my wife had removed all digital channels from our tv( we still have satalite channels only these have passcodes on them) so now with the new football season starting, i normally have sports news on digital coz its free, so i asked my wife if she would tune it back in, she told me to do it...so me being lazy i just retuned auto channels in 'all of em' .. now i was doing this while my wife was upstairs and for some reason i felt guilty, i wasn't doing anythig but still felt guilty, anyway just as it finished i started going through the channels looking for sports news just as my wife came downstairs emediatly she thought i was upto my old tricks, and wouldn't believe me, now i got my childish resentful head on( i do try not to but it just takes over), coz i thought how am i ever going to get things back right, if i'm never going to beieved again, it really pissed me off to be honest. i know i have no right, and that i've really damaged our relationship, and that this is all my fault, but i kind of thought that she was seeing that i was trying, and i hoped she believed me when i said i was through with P forever.
Its a toughy bodget, you know I was going through a similar situation just a few days ago, as you too posted in my journal. No matter what, there will be times where perhaps the partner will act slightly out of order, But let them have the right. In the heat of the moment, I can completley relate to you, you fill with resentment, But it will pass. My wife said sorry to me today, which helped. Read Storms post in my journal i think its just after your post to me, and I found that really helped me.
Chin up, and stay strong, It takes to much effort to stay angry!
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
think i've just agreed to some home improvments , which could get expensive but i feel this will be a distraction from our problems, and gives us another thing to concentrate on, maybe sore me some brownie points, if i get the work done with in a few months instead of years .
I find it hard to post every night but Abbie(my wife) says i should as part of my recovery, which after over a month now i'm finding ok no relapses, no thoughts of P, i'm trying to avoid my triogger areas such as late night TV, i've actually started reading books!.. this is amazing to me as i'm 34 and only ever read one book, but now after a month i'm nearly finishing the second harry potter book ' the chamber of secrets' , which i might add is a excellent book.. i've never managed to get into reading before, so i'm feeling good about that.
Hey Bodget1974, you read my mind….no pun intended, I too have been on the short end of book reading, but I think I will take up the adventure once again. I think I’ll pick up on the “left behind” series, I almost finished the first book over a year ago, and it seemed quite intriguing to me. But I have heard the “harry potter” books are awesome, and you can get hooked pretty easy, funny to say that with an innocent meaning don’t you think? Anyway, good luck with Mr. Potter, keep up the good work, and stay strong, and stay focused……..LM
The Following User Says Thank You to Lucky Man For This Useful Post:
Hi Bodget, there is no need to routine yourself to actually 'post' everynight, but to simply log on and read and educate yourself everyday is crucial. But you shouldnt feel pressured to post. You only say something when you feel the need to say something, dont say something for the sake of saying something, if that makes sense.
Good for you on the books, Im still not a book man, But I found a good outlet for my additional time on a formula one management game, play a little Wii, and rest of the time chat to wifey, and listen to music, chat to the littlen etc etc.
Best of strength
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
i nearly fell off the wagon last night, my wife (Abbie) is away meeting up with some old band members.. so i was home alone, i'd been on the pc internet gaming with a friend till late, i'd had the tele on in the front room, then after i'd shut the pc down, i went to turn tele off... but before i knew it i was going through the channels..it was like i was on auto pilot..how ever i realised what i was doing turned the tv off and went to bed, and read for a while, which i must say is the definative way for me to beat this, so i'm glad i realised my auto pilot was on, that a trigger was in full flow, and stopped it before i went back to square one.
B
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bodget1974 For This Useful Post:
I was in autopilot mode as well last night so I know how difficult it is to stop. Fantastic achievement that you did so.
Mine was triggered by being out at the pub and getting home again and feeling lonely. Fortunately my filters blocked everything off, but that old feeling of wanting to push the boundaries was really present.
Hope things continue to go P free for you and you stay on manual control!
Rowlf
"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, The lovers, the dreamers and me" The startof my journey winds to here so far.
The Following User Says Thank You to Rowlf For This Useful Post:
well thats another weekend out the way, P free , also getting closer to abbie again which for me is unreal, i still don't want to force myself on her , even though i reeally want to, i sometimes think that she thinks i'm thinking of P if we get intermate(really can't spell that), but i'm not,my thoughts are about being with her now, maybe i need to have another talk to her, really cement the fact i'm over P, and how much i love and respect her for giving me a chance, for the hundreth or so time, i'm so lucky to have her.
08-15-2008, 10:51 PM
, which could get expensive but i feel this will be a distraction from our problems, and gives us another thing to concentrate on, maybe sore me some brownie points, if i get the work done with in a few months instead of years 
.
and went to bed, and read for a while, which i must say is the definative way for me to beat this, so i'm glad i realised my auto pilot was on, that a trigger was in full flow, and stopped it before i went back to square one.
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