Bodget1974's Journal

[bodget1974]

wel it's been 10 mins..i've sat here trying to write something down, i guess i thought after our last talk, that things had got a bit better, i honestly haven't thought about P, more like i said before about being with my wife, i want her more than ever... however earlier she sort of asked when i was coming to talk to her again, about this situation, she also said if i didn't sort it out by the weekend i was out... i'm so at a loss here, this is were i fail misserably, i thought we had cleared air a little, and not that i thought it was in the past, but i need time to sort my head out, i have a lot going on up there..it's all a muddle really, i honestly feel this time i'm differant with regards the PA. i just need time to show to her and myself that i'm over it.
guess what i'm trying to say is i don't respond well when forced to talk, it just doesn't happen.. but i know i need to talk to her again, maybe tonight.

later....

[Lucky Man]

Hi Bodget1974, I just wanted to say that I'm alot like you are when it comes being forced to talk about things. I have probably said a 1,000 times in the last 2 months- "I don't know why", and have had a hard time expressing myself. With this said, keep trying. You need to make an honest effort to listen to how she feels, and express what you are feeling. It's not pleasant at times, but I think it really helps the healing for her, and the recovery for you. Best of luck-STAY STRONG, STAY FOCUSED LM

[brokensoul]

i also know it's hard to open up
but i just try to start talking about some other things and than give my wife an opening so she can maybe say something i should know
i'm new at this too
but everthing i've read and so far everthing i've learned here has showed me to open up
didn't hide things
be strong stay with it

[Searching4peace]

Originally Posted by bodget1974

she also said if i didn't sort it out by the weekend i was out... i'm so at a loss here, this is were i fail misserably, i thought we had cleared air a little, and not that i thought it was in the past, but i need time to sort my head out, i have a lot going on up there..it's all a muddle really, i honestly feel this time i'm differant with regards the PA. i just need time to show to her and myself that i'm over it.
guess what i'm trying to say is i don't respond well when forced to talk, it just doesn't happen.. but i know i need to talk to her again, maybe tonight.

later....

My first instinct having been involved in abbie's journal and yours....is to say "For gods sake...Open up"...but I do understand what you mean...Just keep in mind that when your wall goes up, when the pressure is on to be "forced" to talk...Step back from your own perspective.

You feel pressure and lose the ability to focus on your thoughts right?

She's pushing you to open up because it's something real that she needs to deal with before she can move on in her own recovery.

If you can't open up, it's Wednesday right...you have until Friday night. Spend the next few days making notes of things that you are going through...example

Abbie,

*I find that I struggle the most with my pa, when ................
*I am going to do ............ when I feel triggered to keep from viewing p.
*If I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to fight it will you ...............to help me?
*I feel happy when you ....................
*It makes me sad when you .................
*I'm scared that I'll hurt you because of ..................

Love,
You

It seems silly, really it does...but by breaking down these statements into this basic format it will help you wrap your mind around something small...instead of being overwhelmed with the big picture.

Dragonin and I traded letters with similar questions...same question but with each of our different responses...to

i'm happy when he/she ..........
I'm sad when he/she............
I'm angry when he/she............

those three questions answered honestly and with the most sever of the possible responses can give you a different perspective on where your lover is really coming from.

I hope this helps.

peace and love
crys

Dragonin want's me to say that by writing this down before the conversation, you are making talking points about your future conversation...and will have a point of reference.
You cannot be afraid that what you say is going to hurt her, she may not like the answer but for an so it's better than getting nothing...and nothing is what she's gotten plenty of so far.

We hope this helps and ps...You're Killin' us in the arcade man...we don't stand a chance between you and FM.../sigh

[bodget1974]

Originally Posted by Searching4peace

My first instinct having been involved in abbie's journal and yours....is to say "For gods sake...Open up"...but I do understand what you mean...Just keep in mind that when your wall goes up, when the pressure is on to be "forced" to talk...Step back from your own perspective.

You feel pressure and lose the ability to focus on your thoughts right?

yes..thats it's bang on.

i would like to take this oppertunity to thank you all for your thoughts and kind words, it is really helping me deal with this much better..

[Abbie]

Thought you might want to join in this, give you a goal?

August Challenge!

[bodget1974]

well what a weekend..

saturday my wife and me had another conversation...well more of a me trying to be open with her, it boilded over again, with her getting very angry with me, because i wasn't talking, i was acting very childish, i have been and can be VERY childish, it's wierd because i know i'm doing it, but sometimes can't stop acting like that... anyway i hope i got across that i'm really trying this time, i have honestly had no thoughts of P since i was found out which has to be nearly a month.. i have MB but only with thoughts of my wife, which when i really do think, are better than any P.

so i guess i hope you all are still going strong.. i won't be writng here every day, because my life isn't exciting lol.. but it does help me to explain important parts of my recovery... i do feel this time i've beat it... mainly due to my wife being so ace, and this site.

peace and love all

B

[Rowlf]

Hey Bodget,

Silly thought for you.

Recent brain scans (using real time MRI) have shown that men and women use different parts of the brains for different activities.

In mens brains the parts used for feelings and the speech centres are in different halves of the brain (left /right) which are separated by a lower bandwidth area (corpus collosum) - Thus men are either feeling, or talking and have less access to the other function when doing either.

Women's brain functions are more distributed - thinking and feeling areas are in both halves of the brain. Thus talking about feelings is easier.

I'm NOT saying men can't talk about their feelings, only that it's a different process (and more difficult?)

It's said men are more comfortable . companionable doing things together, shoulder to shoulder as it were. Women are more comfortable in conversation face to face.

Anyway, just another little thing to add to the mix and I hope your discussions are continuing fruitfully for both of you.

[Searching4peace]

In mens brains the parts used for feelings and the speech centres are in different halves of the brain (left /right) which are separated by a lower bandwidth area (corpus collosum) - Thus men are either feeling, or talking and have less access to the other function when doing either.

Women's brain functions are more distributed - thinking and feeling areas are in both halves of the brain. Thus talking about feelings is easier.

Roflmao

You just described my marriage!

Peace and love
Crys

[bodget1974]

Originally Posted by Rowlf

In mens brains the parts used for feelings and the speech centres are in different halves of the brain (left /right) which are separated by a lower bandwidth area (corpus collosum) - Thus men are either feeling, or talking and have less access to the other function when doing either.

Women's brain functions are more distributed - thinking and feeling areas are in both halves of the brain. Thus talking about feelings is easier.

I'm NOT saying men can't talk about their feelings, only that it's a different process (and more difficult?)

It's said men are more comfortable . companionable doing things together, shoulder to shoulder as it were. Women are more comfortable in conversation face to face.

.

well that does make sence... my wife says i'm just lazy period, in everything i do, however in my defence, i do find it very hard to get my true feelings out, especialy on this subject, but my wife is excellent at comunication.. which is a good thing.