why can't i just say the things i wan't too, to my wife.
i tried a gesture of good will, saying to her to sell the ps3 and she keep the proseeds, as this was how i accessed the P, last time. , but this didn't go how i'd thought.. then at work to day was thinking i'll try to explain my self tonight, but we ended up arguing..i know i've no right to get mad, but i do, she was saying i had to explain myself then and there,shouting ...'tell me now,now..now or i drop you here, and you walk home' we were in the car. i feel so shit, when she starts saying all the thigs i've done , bringing up stuff from when she was prregnent.. i know i've caused all these feelings in her.....
why is it so hard to say what i did, that it was wrong of me, i don't want to do it again, i hate myself for hurting her so much.....
wish there was a quick fix, that i could say something that she would believe, and know i mean't it...
Actions may speak louder than words, Bodget. Keep acting right and you won't need the words.
It's just a moment-by-moment choice.
I'm here struggling because I've been P free for about 120 days, but MB free only 3, and I just checked out sports illustrated swimsuit and I've been checking people out as I work in a cafe or drive down the street.
I feel like there's no winning this one - my body is trained to look, my blood pumps and I get in that 'zone' where I crave and then start looking. Just the past couple days have been the hardest in a while to look at P. I'm glad I haven't, but I'm still frustrated that I've indulged in other ways - like it diminishes my 120 day victory.
You know, it's just homeostasis. I've been training my body for 15 years or so that when I have the urge, indulge it! That's how I've trained myself. If only I practiced my martial art so impulsively over the last 15 years!
So, thanks for sharing and allowing me to write to you. I really get that there's no losing if we're on this path. It's being on the path that means we're winning. Your relationship with your wife may be in a slump at the moment, but victories wouldn't be so sweet without a slump.
Thanks for standing for yourself being P-free. I'm with you.
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Bodget, Thank you for your kind words on my journal. Much appreciated.
I want to ask a favour from you. This will help you, and will help me to help you.
1. Dont focus on your wife right now. Focus on understanding yourself, and how your mind works. You do that, I swear, you will change, and when your wife calms down, she will see those changes and effort you put in to changing your ways.
2. Please share with us your mission plan : More about ThroughTheFlame.org - This only works if your 100% honest with yourself.
really pissed off tonight..my wife has hit me where ity hurts..my gaming. i've no access to my favourite games , one especialy that i play online with a good friend, whuiich for me is a way to relax, get fustration out of me...
i need this gaming time, for me its esential..
i can feel my self getting more fustrated by the second, this you may think sounds childish or pathetic, but its the thing i need .
to relax,
aaarrrrrgrgggghhhhhhhh sorry just feel like i want to scream!
hope you all feel better than me.
sorry for the out burst above, think my situation is affecting me more than i thought, however i realise now its not just about me, my wife has sat me down and dragged the truth kicking and screamiong out of me, i feel so awfull when she asking the questions i don't want to answer..but i just want to cry now iu've heard how i#ve made her feel, and some of the things she has told me have cut very deep,
i realise also now having listened to her that i've damaged her more than i ever thought..
there seems no way back, to be intermut agaion after what she has said...god what have i done, P is evil pure evil, my battle plan needs to work.....
Last edited by bodget1974; 08-01-2008 at 11:56 PM.
Reason: calmed down and humbled
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May I offer some insight into SO's? I don't know that I'm that wise and I certainly don't speak for everyone -
I don't know why but since all this happened to my husband and myself sometimes when he wants to do something that is just for him it makes me furious. The anger isn't about punishing him - it's more of a fear. I have thought alot about this lately because it makes me feel crazy and irrational.
The only thing I can come up with is that when it bothers me that he wants to golf etc. it's when I'm feeling sad or upset about the situation. Then he wants to do something that is all about him - again (just like p & mb) and I start panicking - thinking thought like "you'll never change - it's alll about you".
I think what I need at those moments is to see my husband give up something he wants for himself and do something unselfish for me or our child-put his own wants and desires second. When he does this I feel like - yes!! he gets it- he's capable of changing!
I go from being grouchy to being hopeful and sweet.
I don't know if that helps - it's just something I've discovered about myself. You should try - when you see your wife is maybe on edge - just dropping whatever it is that you want and doing something that isn't about you. I can almost guarantee her reaction will not be to argue.
I know you guys are all trying hard and I really do salute you. Keep up the good work!
Storm
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Hi Bodget,
Having earlier written a long post for Abbie, I thought I'd better come here and say hi, too - I won't make this one quite as long, however, as I'm running out of evening!
I'm glad to read that you're still fighting this battle against porn and the effects it has had on you and those you love. You seemed to have a different attitude in your last post, and that's also good to see, even though the process you went through to get there wasn't comfortable. Keep up the good work!
I know that face-to-face communication is very hard for you, especially when there's so much emotion involved, but having made a start in communicating (albeit a very painful one), I hope you two will be able to keep some sort of honest communication going with each other? As another SO, I know that my husband also found it really hard to talk to me about stuff - after I would drag information out of him in a highly emotional state, he would say "see, this is why I don't talk, because it gets you so upset!". Which, of course, would get me even more upset, as the reason I was upset in the first place was because he hadn't been communicating with me...it was a vicious circle! So we had to learn together how to talk without all the negative emotion of past hurts getting in the way - and that's a long and difficult process. He had to fully understand that no matter how hard he thought a conversation was going to be, I needed him to be brave enough to do it - emotionally, I needed him to "prove" to me that I was worth fighting for, that I was worth him overcoming his fears of communication to show me that he was being honest again, that I, our marriage, and our son mattered to him. At the same time, I needed to learn to calm down and wait for him to come to me with his thoughts, and not to fly off the handle if I suspected anything was wrong, but rather to talk rationally about my fears and let him confirm or deny them either way - emotionally, he had to feel safe enough around me to risk himself, to show his vulnerability to me, knowing that I wouldn't lash out at him for no reason. (That bit's important - I still reserved the right to go crazy if I found out he'd been lying to me again!)
Storm was so right in what she wrote - I think it's a common reaction in many SOs, and I hope you can understand what she means.
I can't urge you strongly enough to seek counselling with your wife - even if, as you say, there is no way back, it may yet provide you with a different way forward - and you owe it to yourselves and your daughter to try to get communication happening between you and Abbie again. It's so easy in this sort of situation where trust has been broken and there is so much negative emotion in both partners, for each to get bogged down in either blaming the other for all their stress or being paralysed by the feeling that everything is so bad that there's nothing you can do to make it better. Unfortunately that doesn't lead to any sort of healing for either party, and in fact generally ends up creating a great stinking mess that ruins the lives of everyone who gets dragged into it. So my strongest advice to you would be to find a way to communicate without the anger on either part - which is where a good counsellor (and a lot of bravery in facing up to one's own part in the situation) comes in.
Of course, I can't speak for Abbie as to where she stands with your relationship at the moment, but if you do want a chance to heal things between you - to either head for a reconciliation or at the least more amicable separation (if only for the sake of your child, caught in the middle of all this conflict: believe me, she'll be feeling it) - I strongly advise you to talk to her somehow in a neutral setting. Or, if you still find it too hard to talk in person, perhaps try writing out all your thoughts and feelings to her? You're good at writing your thoughts here on the forum, so just take those thoughts "sideways" to her, perhaps?
I know I hated it when my husband clammed up and wouldn't talk to me - I know now that he just didn't know what to say, or how to say it...but at the time, all I saw was that he didn't think I was worth fighting for, that he really wanted porn more than me or our son. That hurt, more than I can ever describe, and it wasn't until we managed to start talking that we started to heal each other and ourselves again.
Oh look, this did end up being along post after all. No surprise, I guess...
You're doing really well to stay porn-free, so keep fighting, and remember why you're doing this - to heal and free yourself from the clutches of "pure evil". Continue your battle and be someone others on this site look up to as they start their own battles.
Good luck
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Last, but by no means least, courage - moral courage, the courage of one's convictions, the courage to see things through. The world is in a constant conspiracy against the brave. It's the age-old struggle - the roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the other. ~ Douglas Macarthur
Last edited by FairyG; 08-02-2008 at 09:47 AM.
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well for a monday..its not been bad today... work went really fast but thats normal, theres never enough hours in the day for my work.
had no thoughts of P for a while now... more wanting to be intermet with my wife, but i know its a no go, thing is that turns me on more, is that wierd? all i think about now is having S with her..
I know I hated it when my husband clammed up and wouldn't talk to me - I know now that he just didn't know what to say, or how to say it...but at the time, all I saw was that he didn't think I was worth fighting for, that he really wanted porn more than me or our son. That hurt, more than I can ever describe, and it wasn't until we managed to start talking that we started to heal each other and ourselves again.
Amen sister,
Bog...my husband did the same things that you have described here to a T. He never knew what to say and I would get so dammed angry that I would lash out and bring up past hurts to "force" him to see and take accountability for what he had done to me....this required a huge step on both of our parts to overcome.
First You have to be willing to step out side of that box of hurt and self pity for what you've done and be open and honest with her. Even if it turns into a fight, the goal is to not lash back if she isn't in a place to confine those emotions. Take it in stride.
Second I agree with storm, being selfless and putting aside your games in a time when she is feeling doubtful about her own situation and doing something that she wants to focus on will show her in a very real sense that "Hey I can change, I think about you, I love you."
Third I agree with everyone here that if you cannot manage to overcome the act of physical communication, try sending each other letters...make an agreement that you will talk face to face once a week about the pa but that several times a week you both write each other what you are feeling, thinking, how you want to change and what you are going to do about it...Writing this down allows you to take some of the emotion and hurt away from it, so that the other is more open to really hear what you are saying instead of feeling what you are saying.
Lastly if you cannot make it work please do as Fairy suggested, get counseling for your daughters sake and your own sanity. There are many types of Psychotherapy out there that will helpe you both see your faults and how to best over come them to work together, even if you choose not to stay together...and you never know it may just save your marriage.
There is hope, FM/Inshi, Fairyg/her pa, and Dragonin/and I are all proof that there is hope...it's a long perilous road that isn't always easy or pretty but there is hope if there is love. It seems like you two do have the love, you just need to learn how to communicate it to each other in a way that you both truly hear it. It's there we can see it...I just pray that you guys can too.
We're here for you both, and are rooting for you to slay this demon together.
Peace and love
crys
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.
07-30-2008, 10:20 PM
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