Trying to understand

[lovemygirlfriend]

My girlfriend wanted me to be on this site and because I love my girlfriend I will do whatever she wants, to try and make all of this up to her. I don't know what a PA actually means and what items do you have to have to be determined a PA. If you are missing one of those items are you not a PA??

It doesn't really matter if I am a PA or not but the more I talk to her she is convincing me that I probably am. All that matters is that I know I have hurt her very bad and will probably make her suffer for the rest of her life over this. I love her very much and want nothing more than to make her happy and to make me the man she deserves, and I wish I could make all of this stuff go away. Reading the spouses stories on here have made me realize more and more how horrible of a person I am.

I was told by a friend about a website years and years ago. I got on the site and I was extremely curious about pretty much everything on there. Since that time I have taken breaks of days, weeks or even months off of it but have been on there for years. Since my girlfriend and I talked about it and I finally understood that it was a major situation for her I have not been on there in I am not sure how many months. I don't have an urge to go back on. I know what it has done to her and I want to curl up and die because of the hurt I have given her. Her comment is it is just a matter of time before I go back on.

Maybe I am a PA but I haven't been on a porn site or really had an urge to go onto it. I have even passed by the HBO and Showtime movies that are basically light porn. I never want to hurt her again and I guess I just don't need the porn, it was more of something to pass the time.

I guess I am looking for some advice. Right now I don't have an urge to go back on, how do I ensure it stays that way?? How do I let her know that I am not on there and will not be on there?? I know I totally lost every ounce of trust she had for me but what do I do to start rebuilding that??

[Ksmith]

I hope you do not have a PA. It took me 10 yrs to realize I had a PA. By then it was pretty hard to quit. In fact I am still trying to quit. Take this seriously for yourself if not for her. I had a wonderful girlfriend who would have stayed with me to help me fight a PA addiction but I did not think I had one so I just basically screwed up that relationship over PA but did not realize I had a PA problem or needed help. I have since screwed up other relationships and a marriage with children that I am still in. Take this seriously.

[FoolishMind]

Hello Lovemygirlfriend,

Welcome to the site, and apologies for the delayed response.

While we all hate labels, and to be pigeon holed or catagorised, I myself am a PA. The day I acknowledged that, was the day my life changed.

The first thing I want to pick up on, is how youve opened your statement:

Originally Posted by lovemygirlfriend

My girlfriend wanted me to be on this site and because I love my girlfriend I will do whatever she wants, to try and make all of this up to her.

While that is an admirable statement, this is not going to help you.

Let me break that down so you understand where Im coming from:

"I love my girlfriend, I will do whatever she wants"

You cannot do this for anyone else but yourself. Yet You cant do this for yourself if you are not completely honest with yourself.

If my wife asked me to stop eating chocolate for ever, and state, if I love her, I wont eat chocolate. I will have no problem telling her, I wont eat chocolate because of my love for her.

Needless to say, temptation will get the better of me, and should I be alone, and presented with Chocolate, I will most definatley eat chocolate.

If my wife comes home and asks if I ate any chocolate, My mind will tell me not to upset her, and therefore I will lie. I get away with it, and naturally I will keep having chocolate behind her back.

She will catch me one day and I will say sorry and cry etc etc. within a week, I will be back on the chocolate. She will catch me again, I will then get angry and explain theres nothing wrong with chocolate, everyone has chocolate! etc etc, She will then say, she doesnt care about everyone, and if i love her, I will respect her wishes. And so on and so forth!

Now, same dilemma, If my wife explains, that chocolate is making me moody, and is making me ugly, and is affecting my health. I will be a little more curious. If she says she wants me to stop having chocolate because she is worried about me, and want me to stop chocolate for me, I will think this is slightly more serious now. If I then back this up, by reading stories from hundreds of other people that chocolate has affected their lives, and i can relate to their stories, I clearly have a chocolate problem.

I am then faced with 3 decisions:

1) continue to eat chocolate, and lose my GF
2) Block all the new knowledge I have gained, and lie to myself and everyone else and continue to have secret chocolate
3) Decide that I want a better life for me, and make the necessary changes in my life to be Chocolate free for ME, because I understand the reasons behind it.

Now seriously read that again, and replace the word 'chocolate' with 'P O R N'

A number of people can write to you and define to you what a PA is.

You will know if you have a problem or not. But when you decide on that answer, double check you are being honest to yourself.

So my advice is:

Educate yourself with a number of fantastic articles and posts on this site, and determine if you feel for sure you have a problem or not.

You will then either have two frames of mind:

1) Your a PA
2) Your not a PA

If you have chosen (2), Well your a lucky man, and clearly you are changing your ways, or you are still lying to yourself. Only you will know that.

If you have chosen (1), Well, your still a lucky man. Because if you acknowledge that, you will most definatley have the strength to combat this and turn your life around. Especially with a loving partner to support you.

I will stop at this stage, and let you post back, so I can gage your thoughts. If you chose (1), I can assure you, that all members here, including myself will be more than happy to assist you and your partner to turn this around for the both of you.

*(please note chocolate is not dangerous in anyway, Eat Chocolate to your hearts content)

[lovemygirlfriend]

Thanks ksmith, I truly am taking this seriously and tring to understand more about it to see if I really am a PA.
FoolishMind - I have read a lot of your comments on this site and I think you have some very good insight and have probably helped a lot of people on here. There were a lot of things I want to comment about your message so I hope I don't miss any of the important ones.

Your life changed the day you admitted you were a PA. Should I admit I am a PA if I am not sure?? Again, I don't know what qualities you as a PA. I have not been on a porn site for months and I have even skipped over the HBO and Cinemax soft porn movies when I am flipping through which I always would have watched before I realised what porn has done to her and our relationship. So, I have not been on or had an urge to be on, am I still possibly a PA??

You mentioned there are people that can define what PA actually is. I need that.

[Glass_of_water]

I think if your use of P is negatively affecting your life and the lives of your loved ones that is when you move into being a PA.

My husband didn't even see the problems it was causing in his life and his relationship, now looking back he is shocked when at how obvious the negative effects were, but until than he chose not to see the links.

I think another clear sign for my Hubby that he was a PA is when he quit, he would try and give up on his own, and succeed for a week or two, and than he would start again.

Also he felt like he had no control over the lure of P.

It is great that you are addressing the needs of your girlfriend and I hope you both can work through this together.

[Storm]

lovemygirlfriend-

I completely understand what you are saying. My husband is in exactly the same place you are. He has not had any desire to look at anything since I found out and told him how I felt about it. He does not struggle with staying away from it. He struggles with the PA title because he has no desire to look at p now. He is unsure of how he fits in here because it is not a struggle for him.

But … he did go there in the first place. Perhaps he has not gone as deeply into the black as some on this site have gone. Perhaps he was “caught” in the early stages-when quitting is easier. If you read about PA there is a desensitizing that comes along with viewing that stuff. I originally thought that meant you could look at more and more hard core stuff without being grossed out by it. I think it does mean that but I also think you become desensitized to everything and everyone around after a while. So – the emotions your girlfriend released when she found out hit you a lot harder because you have not progressed very far in the downward spiral that is p. It is easier for you to quit because it does not have as strong of a grip on you – yet.

I think (and believe me, I’m no expert) that when you have something in your life that is so important to you that you will deceive people you care for and hide it – there is reason for concern. You must understand that you are susceptible to that thing. You must take steps in your own mind to build defenses against your weakness now because you never know what curve balls life will throw you and drive you to seek comfort from something that is not good for you.

I can tell you from my perspective that I love and adore my husband. He is not a liar. He is not some big huge pervert. He is a good man with integrity and character. This is so out of the realm of who he is – it scares me to death. I want him so badly to take the steps to ensure he doesn’t put either of us through this again. I’ve read some of the posts here and do not see my husband or his behavior in them. Maybe if I hadn’t found out now but in 5 years from now – some of those things would seem more familiar. All I know is this – my husband’s viewing of p is so out of character for him it tells me there is a big problem. Until he fixes it I am afraid to fix us. That may be why your girlfriend wants you to join this site. She wants to trust and love you but is afraid to. She wants you to make sure you have conquered this flaw (and we all have them) in your character so she can get back to the business of being happy with you.

So to sum up – no, I don’t think admitting you’re a PA or taking a test or defining PA or any of that will make a difference. I think that it is you recognizing you have a chink in the armor on that subject and confronting it is what’s important. Finding a way to beat back the beast when temptation strikes so you don’t end up with 20 years of p under your belt, broken or no relationships, a broken soul and finding the struggle to crawl out of that overwhelming. Kill it now while it is easy.

I hope that helps –
Storm

[still_angry]

Well written Storm