As a recovering PA, what advice would you give to someone who is trying to quit?

[markneedssupport]

I have been trying for years now off and on to try to free myself from my porn addiction. I heard that joining an online forum such as this one can really be really helpful in the recovery process. I have read some of the stories and I really think they have helped me some. The temptation to look at porn is huge but, I think I may have a chance at coming clean. In the past I would try to make myself believe that I could actually quit now I am quite confident I can. I also have a question. I am trying very hard to remain a virgin before I am married but, it really is very difficult. I really need to release some of this sexual tension. However, I don't want to avoid setbacks on my road to recovery. Do people here find it harder to stay away from porn if they masturbate? I hope none of you find this question too offensive. I really am sorry if it offends anyone.

[Daniel]

I am trying very hard to remain a virgin before I am married but, it really is very difficult. I really need to release some of this sexual tension. However, I don't want to avoid setbacks on my road to recovery. Do people here find it harder to stay away from porn if they masturbate? I hope none of you find this question too offensive. I really am sorry if it offends anyone.

Mark,

There is no offense in this question so no need to worry.

The relationship between P and MB has been widely discussed here and there is a range of opinions, bracketed by "it's OK to MB with some modifications" to it's never OK to MB again (for the rest of their life) because the P use and MB were too entangled.

To add another opinion to the mix, if the MB can take place in the absence of sx fantasy that could be perceived as immoral, or particularly fantasy driven by recalled P imagery/video etc., then it is OK. "Pure MB" if you will.

This scenario would require so much self-discipline in thought life that you could argue it's easier to simply abstain from MB altogether; indeed, abstaining is probably the most common position for those active here.

At the end of the day, in theory, I would rather be guilty of MB than guilty of sx outside of marriage and/or P use with MB in order to relieve pressure.

But the careful part: make sure the MB is not in response to maintain an "un-maintainable" sx drive on steriods due to P use.

Eliminate P use.

Control or (better yet) eliminate MB, and exercise self-control as your sx drive returns to the natural normal; this would be considered the best case.

Also, if you grow accustomed to MB for "pressure relief", then find a mate, it may be hard or next to impossible to shut off an MB habit, which will have a potentially huge negative feedback on your relationship for obvious reasons.

Daniel

[PER50NA]

never ever give up and try to stay positive how ever hard it may be and it is hard just stay positive

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Stay focused on your recovery, seek whatever help you think you need to get thru this problem.
find out what your trigger points may be, and try not to put yourself in any situation that may lead to being triggered.

if you are in a relationship, and they know about your addiction, and they are here to back you with this problem, NEVER LIE TO THEM. BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THEM.

and know in your head and HEART, that this may be a hard road at times. but with true motivation to rid yourself of your addiction, your are on a straight road to your recovery

GOOD LUCK

[grasshopper]

In the early days it's about quitting:

Grit your teeth and do not give in. This usually requires some outside push or impetus (like your wife discovering your porn addiction). Use it!

Remove ALL porn access Do not keep any just in case. Plug up all holes. Get filters and accountability software. Delete collections. Throw out mags. Do not delay this job because you won't get it done.

Tell someone you trust Tell a few people you trust because some of them won't get it, won't think it's a problem. But get some support. If you can afford counselling get some.

Read about it There is a lot of information. I find it useful reading the journals of those who love sex addicts. Something real about that. Read about the chemical nature of addiction. Read the tales of loss and grief of those who hit rock bottom. Read the strategies of those who have successfully kicked it.

Then after a couple of months of strong active recovery, I got a glimpse of how huge this task was. Lust was part of my life, it had seeped into my skin. My Dad taught me it was cool, funny, manly to ogle women. My mates all did it. Some of them send me explicit emails. Advertisers use lust. Lust almost goes unnoticed everywhere. Society has embraced lust.

I realised I was going to have to re-learn everything while still living amongst all of this lust. I got a bit depressed at this stage. I still kind of am a bit depressed. These things help...

Mindfulness How do I feel right now? Have I constructed something with my thoughts, voices, ghosts that isn't really there? Strip it all back to pure life and actual presence in the moment. I usually find that lust dissolves when I focus on my breath, almost as if there is no lust in the present moment as I perceive it. If a naked woman ran screaming from a burning house I would cover her, help her, act in an honourable way. There is nothing "sexy" about her nakedness. The lust happens in my mind.

Vigilance This is my weakest area. I get a few weeks of sobriety up and I feel good. I celebrate my progress by relaxing and thinking I have beaten my addiction. But urges are often quiet for a time and then leap out for a surprise attack. My inner addict is sneaky and looks for openings. It will try to persuade me, lecture me, justify itself, do anything to get a toehold. I have to remember. I am not the addict. I am not that voice. I stand outside it and observe it. Vigilance is important to remember to stay strong always.

Forgiveness For me shame is part of my cycle of addiction. I curl up in a tight little ball and hate myself. A voice goes on and on about how worthless and hopeless I am. It gives me an excuse to act out. Forgiving myself means expecting more from myself. It makes it easier to forgive others to.

Faith I mentioned the depression earlier. I think it is just case of learning to feel what life feels like. Instead of rushing off to porn or lust, I am now forced to look at life, to face my crap. It's not really depression. It's as if I am discovering the feelings that I have not really felt before. It's lonely. It's sad. But in a way it is precious. It is the fire that I have to go through to come out the other side. So faith is important. I have to believe that my journey is the right one. I have to believe that the Divine has led me here and is delighting in my progress despite all the $hit that goes on around me.

[exteberria]

I would say that there needs to be changes in one's lifestyle. I became a vegetarian last year, and that has lowered my testosterone which has obviously lowered my sexual drive, which can only be a good thing. Another thing is, a lot of people are really stressed about dating. And a lot of people really need to take a step back and relax about this.

I never ever had a girlfriend through high school, and didnt have one until I was 21. This really fueled my p addiction, and really ruined the chances I had before my first gf, of meeting women and dating.. I saw P as an alternative to dating (bizarre I know).

[paul]

Reflecting on the "secret life" that PA forces you to lead..i.e the guilt, the dishonesty, the shameful selfishness and the fact that we try to function and appear "normal" when all along we carry a heavy burden.
This heavy burden can erode ones personality.
With me, it caused huge panic attacks..mainly because your subconscious is racked with stress from continuing the "secret life".
I never knew the pattern i was developing..i thought the problem was with everyone else.
Any addiction causes one to view the World oddly.
The moment we admit, accept and keep in mind the way addiction can destroy ones personality then we are on the right road.
I tend to read a book that has helped me considerably to see how the subconscious operates..It's by therapist called John Ruskan called "Emotional Clearing". I can recommend this book to anyone struggling with any form of addiction.

[paul]

Exteberria:
It is most definitely an easy alternative to dating. It is also one that doesn't require responsibility.
It was the same for many of us.
It is a habit that erodes ones confidence and creates a social phobia where we can't interact with females other than with a "hidden agenda".
Also, suppressing the habit can make it hide in a recess and come back at us again at some later date.
What we have to do is not look for ways to change our thought patterns etc...this is temporary.
We have to FACE the feelings head on. DON't act on them Only this makes them disappear for good.
In my opinion, it's like dealing with a bully.
We can try to avoid the bully by changing our routine but one day we come face to face with him.
It takes courage but anything worth gaining requires effort.
Also remember this...STRENGTH doesn't get born from STRENGTH. STRENGTH comes only from WEAKNESS.
Never be ashamed totally of our weaknesses since they can become our strong points.

[paul]

My problem has always been to analyse in detail every thought pattern and every wrong move i made that caused me pain.
Sometimes this can cause mental confusion to the point where we think " What's the use?"
We can burn ourselves out from over excessive thinking.(intellectualising).
Angrily fighting them also can wear us out.
Rather than THINK we need to learn the concept of FEEL.
We have to learn, without ACTING on them, to FEEL the feelings that cause us to act the way we do.
We then need to *accept those feelings as being part of us. They melt when this is done.
**Acceptance doesn't mean to agree with or act out the feelings.
It means to realise they are there but they don't mean much anymore..become neutral, non chalant towards the feelings. We become open to the experience even if we would prefer the experience to be different.
Cease to become a SLAVE to the feelings.
When we become a slave we lose our identity.
Addiction cause one to lose true identity of who we REALLY are.
We are NOT our addiction.

[prnadict]

Admitting that I've a problem with viewing porn and knowing that I can't experiment with it anymore does half the trick, it did take me a few days of telling myself this though. I learnt this in the several AA meetings I attended. Addiction is a disease and anyone affected by it can't escape it till one dies. And spreading the word by updating my blog and reading articles written by other PAs really helps me. Wish you the very best for your battle. Hope you receive great sobriety gifts, life does return everything you loose if you give it time and hope!