Curious Voyager(rigourous recovery) -
11-14-2007, 12:16 AM
The principle of rigorous honesty requires this. I encouage everybody to carefully read the post by Guy and "Relapse"
This post is not going to be what you think and if you are fragile in your recovery, do not read it.
Obit
Here lies the Curious Voyager a man who learned late in life that he had always been better than he thought. A warrior who allowed his enemy to creep up on him in the daylight and lay him low.
Here lies a man, who valued honor over much but then dishonored himself and the memory of a friend; a man who cherished loyalty but in the end proved himself untrustworthy and unreliable; a man who admired honestly but lied to all, even his self. Here lies a man who wanted only to be good, to achieve holiness and did nothing but soil himself and disobey God, gods, nature, and worst of all violated his own conscience.
Here lies the shattered and broken warrior, cast aside as useless and unable to overcome bitterness and weakness of character. A sad pathetic excuse of a man better suited to life as a lab monkey than freedom.
Autopsy
The Curious Voyager died from terminal stupidity and chronic unawareness. There was a profound hardening of the attitude toward human weakness. There was extensive damage from recent stress induced by strong emotions and ignoring HALTS and factors found in “Guy’s Relapse” post. It appears the deceased had made very veiled attempts to ask for help but these were unnoticed even by the deceased until this autopsy.
Death was directly caused by the consumption of pornography Friday afternoon 17 July. The slip causing death happened suddenly and it appears the deceased did not see it coming and was unable to take corrective action. It looked as if he made a rational choice to numb his feelings, which resulted in guilt, shame and self-recriminations.
Birth
I am happy to announce that Tuesday 20 July a new life was born. The baby Curious Voyager was born into renewed recovery efforts. The birth was assisted by 2 SAs and 2 SOs from the no-porn board. He is a toddler and unsteady on his feet and prone to a lot of crying and does not sleep through the night.
I have thought and rethought, composed and recomposed, written and rewritten this post a thousand times this past few days. The ones to whom I turned will understand the format of this post because they have the details but as one said the details don’t mean much.
There are no words to sufficiently apologize to those who are hurt by my act. There are not explanations, excuses, justifications or mitigating factors to remove any guilt from what I have done. I have failed my self and I have failed you. It has ever been my goal to never harm another if possible and now I can only extend pain to those who I have disappointed.
I neither expect nor need sympathy. Kicks, 2X4s, or castigations may be heaped upon my head but I am numb to them. I experience a new grey void at the core of my being, a terrible empty sense of loss, a weird sense of betrayal and shame.
I have fallen but I crawl now and I will walk again. I am a man, inherently flawed and fragile, filled with weakness and regret. All I can do is try and that is what I will do.
I am so terribly sorry; you cannot begin to know how sorry I am. If I could go back to that Friday morning knowing, I would choose death over having to make this post. I would!
Whenever I’ve felt insufficient in my relationship with God or others, this passage has always comforted my heart. If you find it helpful, here it is for you too. What makes it so powerful to me is that Peter is reinstated here after failing miserably, at least from his own perspective. He had recently denied Jesus during his trial and had left in tears, his heart torn apart at his own failure.
Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. ... Jesus said to them, "Come and have breakfast." None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. … When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs." Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep." The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.” (John 21)
CV, your guidance and wisdom had fed me more than a few times here, and I thank God for your presence in my life. My heart hurts for you, but you haven’t hurt me. Keep pressing on.
Addiction. God, I hate this addiction. If you fell, then to me, anyone can fall.
Thank you for reminding me why I will not marry him, regardless of any temptations I may have had otherwise. Thank you for reminding me that I should never allow him to create a child with me. Thank you for reminding me that I need to keep my money separate, my assets separate. Thank you for reminding me to protect myself. I say this not with cruelty, but as an acknowledgment of how cunning and powerful addiction to porn is, and how damaging it can be to addict and family alike.
These are valuable reminders. They are important to me. Your rigorous honesty has helped me today.
You are a good man, CV. I have no doubt of that. This addiction is a blight on all of our souls. I hope you can be forgiving of yourself. I hope your wife can forgive you. This is so sad.
I believe very strongly that it takes courage to admit a slip or a relapse or whatever you are calling it. It takes even more courage to climb back on the wagon. I think that it is especially hard for people with long periods of abstinence and/or who have prominent roles in recovery programs. This courage is a valuable trait and you should be commended for exercising it.
Focusing on the shame and humiliation is self-destructive and counter productive to your recovery because it fuels the addictive cycle. I know that you already know this but I think it is important to remind you (and others reading) about this crucial information. Don't give in to this. Instead, it is far better to learn to love yourself in a healthy way.
Really learning to love myself is extremely difficult and I believe that it is my addictive nature and upbringing that makes it so. It is far too easy to set myself up for failure by being overly draconian in the consequences for my misbehavior. But I realize that if I give into this, shame and humiliation are not far behind and my addict will eat this up. So, if I want to defeat the addict, I have to learn to parent myself in a patient, kind and firm way - a way free from anger. I have to direct my toddler with loving hands - not cruel ones.
No matter how patient and kindly the toddler is directed, he still needs discipline. He will still rebel. What then? Then the parent needs to not let the toddler have what is bad for it. It isn't a matter of a mindset where the parent is hurting them by witholding something good but it is very much the opposite. The parent is nurturing the toddler by withholding what is harmful.
So, CV... try to be a better parent to yourself. You are lovable and worthy of love. Your life is so valuable. Nurture it and allow it to bloom.
I really feel like giving you a big hug, or a pat on the back. Everything will be OK. Thank you for coming here and reporting. I feel like I haven't been a good friend to you lately, when you have done so much for me. It's easy for me to forget that you are also working a program of recovery, and not cured. Any of us can fall. It is possible if we are not vigilant, everyday. Please take really good care today and these next few days. And as others have said, you need to forgive yourself and move foward.
You have my sympathies. I bet most of us on the board would agree: the best measure of a man is not accomplishment, but effort. You have displayed plenty of effort. You still have my respect and support.
As one of the unofficial masters of weak metaphors, I have one for you! Not everyone can win the Tour De France. All us SAs have to do is stay on our bikes and finish to demonstrate both effort and accomplishment. It is terrible that you got knocked off your bike but you can still finish.
Good fortune on the next stage, CV. We will be routing for you.
Thank you for reminding me that this is indeed a life long process. Thank you for sharing that even if you did fall that you were able to get back up. It does not mean the absolute end. Thank you for showing me that if indeed my spouse does fall down that because he has so many years of recovery behind him, that he will be able to regain his balance, admit the error and move forward.
There is hope, and with this I have been given a new dose of it.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your recent troubles. But I'm also cheered by your determination, come hell or high water, to rebound.
Rebirth is a good and needed thing. So is heroism--although the forms that heroism takes aren't always the conventional forms people expect. One burden you're allowed to gently shrug off, surely, is the burden of expectations that come with long sobriety. Although we're all allowed to make certain people on this board into heroes--i.e., heroic abstainers--we need to remember that sobriety is, finally, a private decision that each of us makes individually. No one individual here should be "required" by us to maintain sobriety as a way of reassuring us that at least ONE person is getting it right; that just distracts us from our own task at hand. By slipping after long sobriety, you remind us that we are neither more nor less than human, with all the challenges that being merely/gloriously human entails. Our proper response, I suggest, is to honor you for your long and disciplined walk on the path. An heroic walk, even. No 2x4 here, just an arm of fellowship around the shoulder. No one's casting the first stone--nor do stones need to be cast. Who among us hasn't ever slipped? Who among us isn't a work in progress? You're allowed to be that.
Sounds to me like you shed a skin that needed shedding and have woken to find yourself in a place where new kinds of healing are possible. That's a good thing.
Curious Voyager(rigourous recovery) -
11-14-2007, 12:16 AM
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