Wrong or Right?

[Jane]

I have been doing a terrible job. I have looked at p once everyday. And I'm frustrated, because I want so badly to not have this desire, but I do. But I guess we have to take what we get. And I know that I have been doing better that I have in the past. To follow up my recent post, my bf and I had sex. And we didn't stop. But when he left for work, I looked at p. Sex for us isn't about both of us coming, it is just for him. I just sit there and cry when he leaves. I am in love with this perfect man, and yet I am ruining it with sex and my sick desires.
I know that I can't be with him. I know that he is the reason of my addiction. But he is the only man that has ever loved me. And he takes away so much of my pain from my childhood. But he brings this p and mb person in me. I know I can't sacrifice myself for him to love me. I know that it is time for me to quit this. And I also know that I can't with him in my life. How do I quit him?
Jane

[FoolishMind]

Jane, forgive me if i have missed you mentioning anything in previous posts, but does your bf know about your PA?

You seem to be really hurting at the moment, and that you are torn between your bf and P.

You say you want to quit P, but you cant while your bf, and therefore are considering quiting your bf!
I dont think that is the best angle to tackle things. Let me know if your Bf has been involved with your efforts to quit, and I will post back and we will go from there.

FM

[jasmine]

I think I remember it being more like her boyfriend introduced her to porn, watched it with her, somewhat integrated it into their sex life. You know what might help, though. What if the porn issue were something you tackled together to get in control. Obviously, he has a problem with porn too, if he thinks sex is all about himself and he makes no effort to please you. That is no doubt a porn-derived mannerism. Sex should not be selfish, especially tackling a porn problem. It should be about mutual satisfaction, even if he takes two minutes and you take five. He should at least be trying to help you in that aspect. That said, it looks like the only sound advice I can give is, "Talk talk talk." Just open the lines of communication.

I know you think the only way to solve this is to leave him. I thought that too once about my boyfriend, but now he has been free for a month, and things are getting much much better. You never know if you can persuade him to help you on this. Chances are, if he really does love you, which it sounds like he does, then he will do whatever it takes to help you. I agree with FoolishMind, I don't think leaving is your only option, or even your best option at that. There are other ways.

[PAAnon]

Originally Posted by Jane

I have been doing a terrible job. I have looked at p once everyday. And I'm frustrated, because I want so badly to not have this desire, but I do. But I guess we have to take what we get. And I know that I have been doing better that I have in the past. To follow up my recent post, my bf and I had sex. And we didn't stop. But when he left for work, I looked at p. Sex for us isn't about both of us coming, it is just for him. I just sit there and cry when he leaves. I am in love with this perfect man, and yet I am ruining it with sex and my sick desires.
I know that I can't be with him. I know that he is the reason of my addiction. But he is the only man that has ever loved me. And he takes away so much of my pain from my childhood. But he brings this p and mb person in me. I know I can't sacrifice myself for him to love me. I know that it is time for me to quit this. And I also know that I can't with him in my life. How do I quit him?
Jane

Thanks for sharing this openly here. I have been with other women only because they "fixed" my feelings of low-self-esteem at the moment. When the moment was over, I was torn apart and became horribly insecure and acted out with drinking, other addictive substances including 30+ years of P - all covering up the deeper issues of codependency.

I still have to attend my primary 12-step groups for my main problems with alcohol and P, but I have been in CoDA for over 9 months now.

My life is RADICALLY altered to the point where I can truly see my issues.

If you want to know more about CoDA, please PM me or visit the site, coda.org.

I cried openly when I read the Patterns of Co-Dependence.

PAAnon

[TakingMeBack]

Robber H Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment is a novel that aided in my recovery from addiction. I picked this book off of my shelf because it was labeled "The Sexual Manifesto of the FreeLove Generation" and illustrated with an arousing romance novel cover. Honestly I started ravenously consuming its pages for vivid descriptions of sex because I was feeding my libido addiction. But within its pages a transformation occurred for me. Eureka. This is what sex is meant to be.

Now I am fighting my addiction on the daily. But this book preceded my last day of hating myself while looking at pornography. Those sessions in front of the images have caused me great deal of grief, and I empathize. You should both read this book. Because I believe in love. I am fighting this addiction because I am fortunate enough to have finally found my one true love. It was the sensation of deteriorating the connection held between us, rooted in masturbation to "graven images", that finally brought me to the point of admitting my addiction.

The Harrad Experiment is a sexy book. It contains explicit depictions of sex. But it is not vulgar. Its descriptions serve to introduce the reader through a narrative to the philosophy that Rimmer is illustrating. His utopian ideals include group marriage which is an idea that I am not endorsing. (However if you want a second opinion on it I just recently read an academic essay entitled "The Natural Family" that gave an endorsement based on socio-economics and anthropology) So what I'm saying here is its not an instant fix, but it does have some ideas about making love that may save your relationship.

You need to stop bringing porn into the picture. If you want a better sex life, read the Kama Sutra. It's a spiritual approach to ecstacy, not a corrosion of the act of sensually sharing yourself with your lover. When was the last time that you witnessed love in Pornography (literally: Writings about Whores). Sex without love is nothing more than masturbation; since you have found love... why keep masturbating?

Best of Luck to you both.

[Vilema]

Originally Posted by Jane

But he is the only man that has ever loved me. And he takes away so much of my pain from my childhood. But he brings this p and mb person in me. I know I can't sacrifice myself for him to love me. I know that it is time for me to quit this. And I also know that I can't with him in my life. How do I quit him?
Jane

Jane, thank you for being courageous enough to post this on here. Your words carry so much pain. I hurt for you. I'm not sure I understand the connection between your BF, MB and P, so I will not comment about that. Instead, I want to encourage you (if you haven't already done so) to seek good counseling about the pain from your childhood. I also have numerous hurtful memories from my childhood that bring me pain and also affected my relationships. Also like you, I felt like certain people (i.e. boyfriends) were the only ones to ever truly love me. I felt trapped in those relationships because I allowed my past painful experience to dictate my present and future circumstances.

Jane, you have a choice. You can be free. You are loveable. You are valuable and you can do this.

You will not often find me quoting from this book, however, I have yet to find a better definition or description of what love is and how it should look:

• • Love is patient, love is kind.
  • It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
  • It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
  • Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
  • It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

If you find yourself in ANY relationship (bf, friend, family, etc.) that does not follow this, I strongly encourage you to rethink that relationship as it is very likely not in your best interest. Again, I very rarely quote the Bible (that quote is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) but in this case, I believe it applies. There were many years that I endured unloving relationships with friends, bfs, even family members because I felt that I had to due to things that occured when I was a child. I'm not sure if my post helps at all but I do hope you find some morsel of encouragement in it.

Let me repeat. Jane, you are valuable. You are loveable. You are worthy. You do have the power to change your life. You can take control of p and mb and live a life of freedom. I started my p-free journey today. Let's go for it together! We'll start a sistership of women without p.

[illumination]

Another book that might be helpful is 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. You may find something you identify with in there.