Okay here we go again

[Jane]

So I went five days, and the temptation came back. I looked at p and mb once, which for me after going five days, I never thought I would stop at one. This session was not good. I didn't feel like I once did, and it made me revolted about the idea of doing it again. I guess that is a good thing.
After,I thought about what makes me feel the need to do this. Mb and p lost the enjoyment factor a long time ago for me. I'm going to get personal here, so here it goes. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 9 months. He got me started in porn again. We would read it or watch something, and then we would have sex. But then he stopped being able to fulfill me, so I started to do what we did before we would have sex, except I would do it after, and alone. It only got worse from there, and now I am here. My boyfriend lives with me, because he works for my family, and they love him. Anyway he went home the week, because we weren't getting along, and I needed some space. He called me yesterday and he told me how much he loves me, and how he would do anything to be with me. Two minutes later, I was looking at p and mb.
There are times where I truly love this man. But there are times, where he makes me hurt more than I thought I could. For some reason, when he told me he loved me and want's to be with me, the idea made the temptation come rushing back. I know that I can't stay with him, if this is what he driving me to do to my self. But I can't leave him, because he is such a huge part in my life. I want to go back to sex being a reward and something that I share with someone that I love. And with him, its something I share with myself.
What Do I Do?
Jane

[cyberpunk]

Jane,

I've come to find out the hard way that just because you love someone doesn't make it a healthy or good relationship. In fact the most poisonous relationships I've seen, and been in, have often had the strongest emotions involved.

I am not you and I do not know what decision you should make but I will share this from personal experience. If the relationship ends, life will go on, even if it takes time. You will fall in love with someone else, you will learn from your experience, and your life will still be happy and full. And his will too.

I have an ex-girlfriend who use to say, "Some people come into our life to teach us something and then they are gone." Perhaps you have learned something from him about yourself. The question to ask yourself now is, "can I be free from P while I am with him?" If you can't....then you should seriously consider moving on. This is your life, not his.

Good Luck!

[iblivin4givinru]

Jane, i see much confidence in you to do the right thing when i was dating my X could not stop looking at P every time i talked to her

the thing to do is that tell him "if you really love me, then you have to stop looking at P cause it is hurting me because i am addicted" trust me if he loves you enough then he will do anything for you and i know this cause i am a Guy addicted to P i have tried so many times and every time the temptation comes back it is like hard when it hits you

Remember what god's word says, Pleasure last as long as it is given and a little bit of my word is that after it is gone you feel guilty about what you recently did

now i have only been on this website for around 6 days but i can tell you that people her will always help you with this kind of stuff including me

ps. if your bf can not stop then you have no need to be with him, O and about the Sex thing not judjing that you should stop i just dont feel comfortable with that subject seeing that i lost my virginity at age of 14 and i have worn a apstedence since then and everytime l look at it it reminds me that i am destined to wait for sex

i hope this helped

God Bless,

Wendell

[FoolishMind]

3 things...

1) Wendell, I believe it is Jane that is the PA, not the bf
2) I love my wife very much, she has told me many times if I love her, I should quit, That didnt work, it would stop, but start again quite quickly, Jane, You need to quit for yourself, not anyone else.
3) Wendell, Out of curiosity what is apstedence?

[cyberpunk]

I think it is "abstinence"

[Coyote Toast]

I do agree with Wendell that if your boyfriend is willing to support you, he will understand that P is not something that can be safely used in your household by anybody for any reason, including him. It's too big a trigger for you, even when used in relationship.

It's hard to say what element the relationship plays in your addiction. I doubt that your addiction exists solely because of the relationship, but an unhealthy relationship will increase stress/anxiety or whatever drives your pattern of use.

One thing for sure, you need to remove all convenient access to P. Consider getting a trusted outside party to lock down your computer. Remove all printed materials, videos, whatever. Remember that you are fighting for your dignity and spirit, so it's worth going the extra mile.

[Matt4:17]

Jane,

What do you think you should do?

I believe you can answer your own questions, we all can! We all know what it is we should do, but are scared at times, because it's the unkown, and what we'll find in the unknown.

"The natural human heart is deceitful above all things and oftentimes desperately wicked!"

A great man once said this, and if I were to tell you who, then you wouldn't believe me. After all, there was a book written after him, but, it was not him who was the one weilding the pen. So, who's to say that he did, or didn't actually say this! But, if you dwell on it, with your mind, it's true!

So, should you listen to your heart? Or, is it that little conscious voice that doesn't come from the heart, but from some place else! Some place, where, there is someone waiting for the person who you wish to become!

I still am living with this temptation! But, I know I'm not alone, which, dampens the harshness of PA.

As for your BF, if he can't understand who you want to be, and what you are, than, it's time to head back to the sea!

:-)

[PAAnon]

When I got sober from alcohol and other things (still working on the porn) I was told immediately that I had to stick with the winners.

I also had to stop doing the things I used to do with the people I used to do them with in the places I used to do them in.

Perhaps he is also intersted in stopping porn?

I can only equate this to my experience with alcohol.

[iblivin4givinru]

3) Wendell, Out of curiosity what is apstedence?[/quote]

Well to really tell you what it is let me define it for you o and i meant abstidence not apstedence haha

Abstedence- is the keeping clean of your sex life it is a promise you have made between you and god and it is what keeps me living. a more definite word for it is premarital sex, having sex before your married that is why i where the ring to remind me

[Jane]

My bf came home last night. We talked until 4. We both came to the agreement to not have sex until it is right, and that means that there will be no porn involved. I know now that having sex involves two people, and not a computer screen. Its been a week, and this site is really helping. Thank you all that gave me advise. It helped greatly And to those that tried to spell check Wendell, thank for teaching me nothing but spelling.
Jane:):