my wife is ashamed ?

dave · 08:05 AM

In the first few weeks I was in torment with the shame over my P and M problem. After 50 days clean I am coming to respect myself a little. But I still struggle with this "addiction is a disease thing".

But here is the thing. How does a partner come to terms with this. My wife is standing by me but she is quite uneasy talking about my recovery with me. She doesn't want to hear any details. She is a self conscious person who always looks her best (which I appreciate) but who never lets her guard down. She hasn't said as much but I sense that she is ashamed of my problem. Now I find myself reacting to her shame about me with more shame about myself. A dog chasing tail ??? Is this just the price of my recovery or am I missing something?

Incidentally I am aged 56 and my P problem was quite contained - relatively little escalation in content, time or costs to employment, finances..... It never interfered with our sex life in terms of my interest in her sexually.
I don't mean to say that I am any better or worse than other's problem - just that my daily P and M use stayed within a more limited range than some others on this site. - just a long tern nasty compulsion that I or she can't live with any more.

A wandering post here but basically - any pointer to help us out?

cmperry · 06-09-2008, 07:18 AM

Maybe you should direct her here, maybe she will be a little more willing to open up if she sees that many of us are going thru the same thing.

Matt4:17 · 06-09-2008, 05:15 PM

Sounds to me, like shame is the concrete your are using to rebuild! And shame, is worthless! Let it go!

Perhaps, your are letting the shame, and guilt of your past reside in the present! Have you tried to woo your wife? Take her out? Show her, that she is the only woman in your life that you wish to love above all others?

It's easy for me to talk, rather than stand in your own two shoes! But, nevertheless, you need to get rid of that shame! How, then, can you do it? Easy, forgive!

Her shame could resound from not being the woman that she in her mind, thought you to be attracted to on the net!

Just, know, it's the shame that is holding you back!

Vilema · 06-19-2008, 08:18 AM

I agree with the other posts here. I'd also like to suggest that you may understand your wife's feelings more if you read some of the posts and articles in the partners section of this site. Without knowing her, it's difficult for me to accurately respond to the concerns you posted here. But, as a woman that was married to a pa, I can share what his addiction did to me and my self esteem. So, in the "for what it's worth" category, you're welcome to read my initial post to this site as it may shed some light on your current situation. Out from the shadows...

easilytempted · 06-20-2008, 05:35 AM

I think it is normal to not want to dig into issues that we don't understand. They scare us. Most of the time it is easier to pretend that it is not there to a certain degree. I am guessing that is how it is with your wife. Somehow that line of communication needs to be opened, and there needs to be an atmosphere created where you and your wife can lay everything out on the table. Communication is the key to any successful relationship i believe. She needs to know exactly how you feel, and you need to know exactly how she feels. If you will both be honest with each other it takes the guess work out of the relationship. I have found that this has been a huge help to my wife and I.

dave · **things are getting better -** 07-02-2008, 04:18 AM

I appreciate the responses. I am at 90 days P and M free and our relationship is growing. My wife has showed interest in this site and we are talking quite freely.

But I have had a few emotional meltdowns - not so much tempted to use P and M but just generally unstable. At a deeper level I still feel so ashamed of the journey I have followed for so long. When I get like this - full of tears - I am afraid that she finds it hard to take - she says not so - but it is embarassing to be so emotional. I was not often like this when using P. I imagine it is still part of my withdrawl. My emotional balance was being medicated by daily ( or more often ) P and M and now I am free of that my system is finding balance.

Vilema · 07-02-2008, 12:16 PM

Well Dave, I think it's only natural that you're going to be emotional. Your addiction has caused you and your wife tremendous hurt and pain. It's okay to feel what you're feeling and to feel it deeply. Your tears will make you strong. I want to encourage you to take your wife seriously when she says that your tears are not hard to take. It's good for her and it's good for your relationship that you share your grief with her. That's what spouses are for..."in sickness and in health". You're 90 days free Dave. It's safe to say that you're well on your way to "health". I'm proud of you. Hang in there. Stay focused and embrace these changes. It's part of the new free life you deserve and at the journey's end - peace without guilt.

Scooter · 07-02-2008, 07:13 PM

90 days is such a great achievement Dave. Seriously, congratulations.

Vorlan · 07-02-2008, 09:28 PM

Congratulations on 90 days. Sorry to hear things arn't going too well otherwise. Try to keep strong. We're all behind you.

Best of luck,

Ben

FairyG · 07-04-2008, 06:34 AM

Hi Dave,
I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are starting to communicate better now...it really is the best way to get a relationship back on track after something like a p-addiction has surfaced.
As for your emotional meltdowns...please, do take your wife at her word when she says it's ok. I am the spouse of a pa myself, and I'd rather know if he's finding it difficult than have him lock things up inside or start beating himself up about how he's feeling. As soon as you start keeping things inside, or at the least trying to hide them from her out of shame, then I daresay she will suddenly feel locked out of your world again - and that's something that can really hinder the healing of your relationship. I'm sure she understands that it will take time for you to heal as well as her. By letting her into your emotional world you are allowing her to understand and remember that you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused her - and far from being hard for us spouses to take, that sort of thing is in fact healing for us also: not from a getting revenge perspective, but rather just to remind us that you are sincere in your intent to change. Your emotions will balance out, and you'll feel more stable after time. Yes, try to figure out what your "triggers" are and how you can help yourself to recover from this shame you feel, but don't let it get to you too much - everyone withdraws in different ways, and this is part of your own healing journey. Better to be capable of feeling "too much" than living like a robot, yes?!
All the best