my appetite for sex

[dave]

I've been P free for just over a month and I was hoping my appetite for sex would decrease. I had assumed that by feeding my drive with P I was making it worse.

My partner is not interested in sex as often as I.
In the past I used this as a rationalization for P. But I have come to fully accept my PA. I have stopped P and M and am trying to take care of my spiritual life.
Our relationship is generally quite good but I am always interested in sex with her and she is seldom interested. This is certainly not a new story to anyone but I am trying to keep a healthy perspective as a PA.
When is mercy sex from your partner reasonable and healthy part of a recovery plan?
I DO NOT want to hurt our relationship but the sexual tension in me is quite high a lot of the time. I am considering seeing my doctor for some general relaxation type medication.
Yes I know many of you are going to give me the keep busy answer and I agree. I've done awful lot of yard work, alternate diversions etc. over the last month but the tension just isn't decreasing ! I was hoping for some 'normal' by now.
Any advice out there for a 56 year old with the sex drive of a 26 year old?

[showmelove]

Hi Dave,

I'm 32 but I can definitely relate to being the sex crazed one in my relationships. Since I've been single for a time now I've been giving this subject a lot of thought.

This is my suggestion, take it for what it is, maybe you find something of what I have to say about this usefull.

The power over sex and the sexual balance in your relationship does not seem healthy. She's in control and she probably knows it.

1. I don't know how often you have sex right now but I would mentally prepare myself for not having sex with her for quite some time. Even if she would want it. She needs to get used to not being needed to fulfill your sexual appetite all the time.

2. I would try to develop some healthy interests that clearly shows my independence. Something that is my own and that is important to me. Yard works seems fine for you but I would try to develop new stuff as well. Be open to something new and stay postive. Your independance must not come across like a you're being a martyr, which is a big turnoff. If you develop new interests you are clearly showing some healthy attractive independence.

3. I would try to fulfill her needs better than I've done in the past. Touching her a few times troughout the day. Give her positive feedback on stuff that is important to her. Whisper something nice in her ear. Classical chick stuff but I think it works. If you are already doing this I would do it in a moore sincere way and a non needy way. If you get better at fulfilling her needs, whatever they are, and at the same time demonstrating that it is not that important that she fulfills your needs, things will be different.

I would try to stay positive, independent, warm and friendly and not giving sexual invites for an extended period of time and see what happens to the dynamic of the relationship. If you cannot do those things, if you give in to short term cravings, then it is you that doesn't value s-x highly enough to make it happen.

I know all of this is easier said then done. I've been in your situation and I feel tempted all the time but at the same time, always reaching for it simply doesn't work, it makes it worse, so stop that!

Good luck!

[Dominus]

Dave, a month isnt enough, Ive been off the porn since december and only recently have I started to feel that I am making some serious progress, unfortunately there isnt much you can do about this.

I like Show me loves ideas, can't speak for your circumstances directly but just concentrate on making her feel really loved, special and beautiful, the rest should follow - though not neccesarily as much as you may like, but hey thats life!

[mikey]

P destroys my appetite for , and I think it does in most cases of PA.
WHich makes Dave an exception, right?
increases my appetite for with my hand, but decreases it for with my wife / other women.
Am I right? Am I the norm and Dave the exception?
THe day I made the decision to join this forum was the first time I was intimate with my wife without having to think dirty thoughts in a long, long time; when her body on mine was enough.

Michael

[Zarniwoop]

Mike your not the exception, or at least if you are then I am too. One of the reasons I am doing this and why I am here is I want to have a sexual relationship with my partner again. I want to look at her and see her as beautiful and not compare her to some unrealistic P star image. I want to desire normal sex and not the extreme things in P.

[Farmer]

Mikey and Zarniwoop, yep me too. I took it a step further and preferred P & M over sex with my wife the last couple of years we were married.

[jasmine]

My boyfriend I think is the same way. He has a pretty high sex drive, and so do I usually. However, you mentioned mercy sex, and I actually think this is critical in order to help someone with this kind of problem. You should definitely try to talk to your wife about having sex more often. Maybe this is just my insecure mind talking, but I feel like, "How can I expect him to stop porn and masturbation if I don't have sex with him enough?" I have used this logic to basically have sex with him whenever he wants, because I feel that him not looking at porn is that important to me. However, sometimes my boyfriend feltthat sex from a partner was not enough. We were having sex at least once a day, usually more, and he STILL looked at porn 1-2 times per week. So I just would be weary that getting your wife more involved may or may not help the porn problem. But you should still talk about it.

The other problem that you should be aware of that could lead you back to pornography is the elusive nature of the female orgasm, especially if your wife does not have as high of a sex drive. I think one of the reasons my boyfriend turned to porn was because he just wanted to see a woman orgasm more than "once in a while." If this is the situation, then having more sex with your wife may leave you wanting more pornography, which could be a problem.

Finally, how do you quell a sex drive? I have one answer that has always worked for me: exercise like you've never exercised before. If you usually run 30 minutes a day, start running an hour and a half AND do push-ups, etc. That way you will be so exhausted by the end of the day that anything to do with sex will be out of the question. It really works, as others have probably noted before. Anyway, that is what I think about the mercy sex thing, hope it helps.

[dave]

I appreciate all the feedback to my thread. It continues to be a tough ride most of the time.
I tell myself it is just psychological, and I try to keep busy but it is challenging - perhaps time is the only real answer.
I suppose a major factor is my age - At 56 I have had a far longer time to mess myself up that you younger guys - Bless you for becoming aware at younger ages. My P habit never escalated that much but it sure stayed a part of my life for far too many years. Now I am paying the price with a long withdrawl from daily release. I suspect my body actually wants and expects the daily chemical rush. The physical pressure is strong and tends to show up as soon I relax. I am about 48 days P and M clean. Eventually I may return to limited M but for the next good stretch I will hold the course. I want a lifetime of P free living.
I have finally made an SA contact. I live in a small community and it turns out another guy wants to start a group - he has been struggling as well so perhaps we can grow to support each other.
Take care.