any older married guys out there ?

[dave]

No offense to you young guys - way to go . - wish I had realized my rationalizations far earlier.
I'm 56 and my wife is sticking with me. I thank God for that.
I'm looking to hear journey's of others in similar shoes - age and marriage wise
I have had 27 P free days but my partner is struggling.
From my view this is my first REALLY honest effort where I am connecting to others and
I am committed to a change but she remembers other promises
- her struggle is mixing up with my struggle.
I am getting more comfortable away from the P, but the stress between us can get VERY big for me.
Dave

[FoolishMind]

Hi Dave, I am 30 married with a child. Do you feel you have not been able to connect with any other posts / threads in this forum? As im sure your aware the negative effects of P does not discriminate against age, race, sx or faith.

You are 27days P free, nothing to be sniffed at, that is a great achievement in itself, but you state that the stress can get very big between you and your wife. Can you elaborate on that?

If you feel you will benefit morefully from someone in the 40+ age range why dont you post in the Sobriety forum, and request that, and im sure you will find someone who will want to work with you more closely , like a buddy system.

Let me know your thoughts.

FM

[dave]

We have been married for 34 years and generally we have plenty of positives in our relationship. I quit P about 15 years ago for a year and now she is keeping quite cool
over my current attempt. " you said you quit before"

At that time I didn't do much in terms about the P side of my problems. Our marriage was in shambles over a number of issues - my anger - sexual differences etc. P was not a big part of the picture then but is has gradually grown.
We have other significant challenges - 26 year old daughter has quit pot recently and is doing well with her 12 step program - she quit b4 things got too bad.
Our 31 year old son is in treatment for drug issues at present and is shaky at best - his life is in a real mess and we invited him to move home for a few months to get on his feet. He has been in treatment several times - pot, opiates now on methadone

So we have a lot on our plates and my partner says she is 'sad' about all of it.
We talk - we even have sex - but it seems she can't give me very much in the way of open support - her emotions are taxed.

I am trying to be patient but when I have a tough day I feel I can't ask for too much support. TTF and prayer have been my mainstays

I'm trying to get to a 12 step meeting but logistics have not worked out yet

I am considering disclosing to a friend but I need to tread carefully - his wife died a year ago and I need to feel him out - how much can he handle?

A day at a time is my goal.
Once our son settles, my wife and I can connect better
Quite complicated isn't it ? I guess everyone is complicated

Dave

[Newman]

Dave,

I know of one other member who posts under the name of Tarantula who is fifty. I'm 54 and have been dealing with P addiction to varying degrees since I was an adolescent. Several years ago I told my wife and she was not terribly supportive. Said she felt as if I had been deceiving her all these years. And, of course, I had. I tried to stop, she thought I had and when I made the decision to seek professional help recently we had much the same conflict again. She is better with this now, says she is glad I'm getting help. So far so good.

Hope you are still "sober" so to speak after 27 plus days. I've had ups and downs but am still trying. I have a lot of work to do to change the way I think. One of the best motivators for me is how good I feel when I leave this stuff alone. You'd think that'd be enough to be rid of it once and for all but its stronger than that. My wife doesn't understand why I can't just quit, cold turkey, and never be bothered by it again. Frankly, I really can't understand that either.

Keep at it. Sounds as if you have plenty on your plate without having to deal with PA. Hopefully, everything else will be a bit easier to deal with once you get this under control.

[dave]

Something you said just brought back a fantastic insight about myself that I had forgotten.
A counsellor once helped me see that there are several Daves inside me. The 6 year old who was sexually abused for a brier period, the 8 year old who ofter got lost in a struggling home, the 13 year old who found a Playboy magazine and sexual pleasure ( escape form inferiorities)
And now this 56 year old Dave is trying to make a big change - those other Dave have been showing up a lot - especially the lost and helpless 8 year old
I think I need to take care of that kid a little better. And find other ways for that 13 year old - he never had anyone talk to him about the power of sex.
I'm rambling again
Thanks for your responses
Dave

28 days P clean tomorrow ! - a few days less M clean
One day at a time

[Nordman]

Hi Dave,

I'm only thirty-one (like your son),and I wanted to explain very briefly an issue of my father that might be of interest.

But first I must say how sorry I am to hear that your children are struggling with addiction problems. That must be a tough burden for you and your wife to carry.

My father is your age and a doctor at a hospital. he and my mother are divorced since I was 13 and he has not remarried. or been with a steady couple for more than a few years. I know he also have an issue with porn but I don't know how deep it goes, whether he would admit to an addiction or what. I have thought at times that his unsuccessful lovelife could be connected to a porn problem. These are not things we talk about. We never talk about what is diffucult and dark in our lives. And lately I have become distant to him because I feel that he is to preoccupied with himself and not good at listening.

If we could talk about real stuff and not just his garden or his job, and if he had told me that he was in trouble and dealing with it like a man, I would be so proud of him. Whatever achievements at work or in the house can not impress me. Taking the important battles in one's life is what i really difficult.

From a son point of view, I think your children need the 56 year old dave to be in control and be a rock. And that may well include admitting to receiving help from TTF and helping others at TTF. It is a very brave and manly thing to do. We all have trooubles, the main thing is how we deal with them.

Well, I don't know if any of this is true for anybody but me. My dad is fine in most ways, and I love him. i wish you the best of strength: Your children need you, and you are a brave man. Acknowledgement is admirable.

nordman

[Farmer]

A counsellor once helped me see that there are several Daves inside me. The 6 year old who was sexually abused for a brier period, the 8 year old who ofter got lost in a struggling home, the 13 year old who found a Playboy magazine and sexual pleasure ( escape form inferiorities)
And now this 56 year old Dave is trying to make a big change - those other Dave have been showing up a lot - especially the lost and helpless 8 year old
I think I need to take care of that kid a little better. And find other ways for that 13 year old - he never had anyone talk to him about the power of sex.

Dave, you are right; this is very insightful and tells my story exactly. I will use it in my own recovery.

When I read this and then re-read it, painful memories came flooding in and tied my stomach in knots. Then I felt a whole bunch better. Thanks Dave.

Farmer

[sotired]

Hi, I am 43, married and have a young son. I am trying to quit, again. I think I understand at least one thing in your post. My wife is already stressed out and depressed at times and I can't expect her to drop everything else and help me. And oh yeah, I have heard this before: "I thought you quit already." So personally, I think I have to "be a rock" like Nordman said above and just get it done myself. Which is why I am on this site. Good luck.

[Scooter]

A counsellor once helped me see that there are several Daves inside me. The 6 year old who was sexually abused for a brier period, the 8 year old who ofter got lost in a struggling home....

I've often heard about this, that when somebody experiences something like this, emotionally in some aspects, they never mature. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[dave]

This idea that there are different Daves in me has really helped me through some tough times.
When I feel threatened my little boy wants comforting. But my teen age self shows up and wants sex for comfort. My counsellor helped me see that it is OK to offer comfort to the little boy - I actually keep a teddy bear handy. The teen Dave didn't know that there are other ways to get comfort than sex.
This is a little complicated but the bottom line is that my "here and now Dave" can handle the other Dave's - they don't get to call all the shots for any big periods of time.
It seems that when I am under stress they show up and want attention.
There is also an adult Dave who shows up once in awhile - he has a temper but he doesn't visit too often - luckily.
This insight has helped me to make peace with some of the emotional times I experience.