HELP Relapsed three times!!

[Nordman]

I feel something broke yesterday. I logged on in the morning, all was fine and I knew I was gonna beat the urges.

Today I feel I can't do anything. I feel like a broken cup, that whatever I do now will just spill onto the ground and be wasted.

Yesterday afternoon I was in a good mood, though stressed because of my thesis. I wrote in my log how the urges came back with strings of logic attached. In the afternoon they returned again, but rather than giving in I took a break and went home to send my wife off to her frist day in a new job. She was nervous, and I thought we might both need a little intimacy to better meet our challenges. My own reactions disappointed me. I didn't get aroused and though mentally eager to have sex, my body was not up to it. This is not the first time it has happened, but it's been a good while since last time. I reckon it's got something to do with kicking the PA. I wasn't prepared to react this way, and I felt a little deceived. Shouldn't love life pick up? i thought,and the addict part of me hung on to it.

So back at the work later in the afternoon I fell right into old habits. And then all self esteem and respect flooded out of me. Before I did it I didn't think i would feel so bad afterwards. a little later i couldn't find the decency to post here.( I''ve been nervous to tell you.) So just a little later I found myself at it again. And today. a little while ago.

Some part of me still think of P as a treat, though i really don't enjoy it so much when surfing! I just keep clicking frantically around, searching for something I like (not extreme in any way, just the "right" pics, you know), So when i have been down this last day, i haven't had my defenses at all. Everything has been right back where it was before i joined here. Everything reminds me of porn, every girl i see also. My insides ache with a hunger, like a hole that all joy gets sucked into. I even dramt about it. Images keep popping up in my brain.

Please help me, somebody. I feel like s*** and my balls ache. And all the time I want to see more porn!

[dave42]

Hey, Nordman! I'm so sorry about all of this. Sigh... What to say -- you are human. You messed up. Every person here has messed up. Again and again and again. I hope that helps. Look, give yourself some credit. You wrote this; "a little later i couldn't find the decency to post here.( I''ve been nervous to tell you.)" And yet you DID tell us. That's progress. The fact that you are being honest -- that's progress. I know that that probably doesn't help a lot, but really, it seems to me that you are asking for help -- that is the wisest thing I've heard on this website. "Please help me, somebody." That is wisdom. You are asking for help. So hang in there. One of the senior members here (I think it was Dominus) recently had a relapse. He is a great model for us: he is moving on. I know you can move on, too.

You fell off the horse. You are ashamed and, to quote your words: "you feel like s***." Every guy here knows that feeling. Now, get back on the horse. Just get back on. What other option do you have? I know you want to see more p. So do I! So does everyone here. The great thing is: you are being honest. You are admitting it. That is a gift to us. Thank you for your wisdom in telling us about the relapse and your wisdom to ask for help and your gift of honesty. Your statement, "And all the time I want to see more p" -- this could be said by every man on this site. But YOU said it! I hope this helps. Forgive yourself, go for a walk, anything healing. Get away from the computer! Good luck, Dave

[Dominus]

This is the curse of porn addiction! Dave42 is absolutely right, the desire to see the porn remains, although it becomes less intense with time. the reason we view porn is because we like viewing porn, it is pleasurable.
What we must train ourselves to do is say no, this refusal to view the porn despite every cell in our body screaming to have another look is the real key to success. For me I just keep on saying no, no, no every time I want to view it. The other day I didnt say no and I did start looking which was a big mistake. If you say 'no' enough times you suddenly realise that you are getting quite good at saying 'no' and it becomes second nature. At that point you still want to view the porn but you have the lid firmly on the urges, then it becomes a case of not letting your guard down - which is where I slipped up.

Keep trying friend, its not impossible, just really difficult.

[Nordman]

Thank you very much, Dave42 and Dominus for your kind words. It's been a sad day, but I'm starting to look ahead again. I am back on the horse Dave, as you say, what else is there to do. Your words warmed! I know I can beat this. P is not worth anything to me. Nothing. So why would I keep it in my life? I thought about you, Dominus, how you managed to back up when headed down the hole the other day, while actually viewing P. It was like a clear thought in between all the panic. Unfortunately I shut it off.

Porn free life starts today, April 18th 2008

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

After reading your post, and commiserating so completely (just like Dominus and Dave42), I couldn't help but think of snowboarding. No, wait, here me out.

Have you ever snowboarded? If you have, then you know, but I assume you haven't. It's not like skiing--they've got it easy their first day. No, it's horrible, the first day on the board. You fall constantly. I'm talking every few seconds--more, even. You fall and fall and fall. For the first hour that I snowboarded, I would stay down for sometimes up to ten minutes. Just sitting there, trying to figure out how to not fall again the next time I got up. Then I'd get up...and fall immediately back down. Then I'd sit there again, thinking, there's gotta be a way to stay up for a while this time. There wasn't. At least, there was no way that I could figure out. When I got to the bottom, finally, I got on the lift and made a commitment. I thought, no matter what, I'm just going to get right back up every single time I fall. No sitting in the snow trying to figure out how the hell I'm not going to fall down again. Just get back up. Well, I made it down the slopes in less than one fifth the time by doing just that. I fell a LOT, but I just jumped right back up and didn't worry about it. My whole focus was on staying up.

Now, when I go boarding, I usually don't fall. But, because I've gotten better, when I fall, I really fall. I land hard and painfully. It usually knocks the wind out of me, and I get dizzy. So sometimes it takes a little bit to get my breath and balance back well enough to get back up. But it happens less and less often. And I learned my lesson in that very first hour. Just get back up as quick as possible. Because each second I'm sitting in the snow is a second I'm not carving through it, feeling the wind on my face and enjoying the ride. What a waste, right?

It sounds like you're doing just that already though, and good for you. Here's the thing: you've had a lot of practice falling down and getting back up. You're getting pretty good at staying up. Pretty soon, you won't fall down any more. Just remember why you're getting up, why you're still fighting. It's so you can feel the wind in your face, so you can breathe in the fresh, crisp air. It's so you can be free.

[Dominus]

I love the analogy, I have tried snowboarding and can completely relate! I gave up and switched to skiing!

[whittaker5016]

Nordman, I couldn’t say it any better than Dave42’s encouragement , Dominus’ example of persistence, and Anxiously Engaged’s analogy. By the way, AE your analogy was fantastic and very much goes with anything one wants to accomplish. Very good!

Nordman, don’t defeat yourself. You recognized it and do as AE did with his snowboarding experience, “I sit there again, thinking, there's gotta be a way to stay up for a while this time” and each time it gets easier. Begin to tell yourself, as Dominus did, “I just keep on saying no, no, no every time I want to view it.” It’s very difficult to cleanse yourself from the filth that has entered your system, but with time and persistence, it can be done. It will take time to flush it out. As good as self control is, it is not enough, get support from your wife, someone that will be a real support to you. You can do it with time. The best, God bless.[/font]

[valjean77]

When I've relapsed, I've had this voice in my head telling me that "I deserve this." Deserve what? It's no treat. It's seeing things I've seen already, betraying my wife, depleting my brain's supply of dopamine, giving myself depression, promoting the abuse of damaged women, etc etc etc ad nauseum.
When you feel like you felt before your relapse, just get off the computer...period. If you have a thesis to work on, do what you can on paper. You can type it later. If you need to type it right then, go to a school computer in the middle of a crowded computer lab, or a system that's set up with filters.
As far as sexual performance problems, don't worry about that. It might not have anything to do with the porn, from day to day you might just have problems, that's human. Something as simple as your blood pressure or blood sugar being a little low can cause you problems. Don't sweat it. I've got a horrible sinus infection right now, I don't think I could perform if my life depended on it. Or porn could have something to do with it. I can't know. Just stay with it, things will change. Sex isn't the most important part of your life...that's the addict talking.
It sounds like you haven't really learned how to control your thoughts that well, and that could be a part of the problem. Learn a little bit about meditation, mindfulness, etc, it can really, really help. "Buddhism Without Beliefs" by Stephen Batchelor is an excellent book. It gives the principles of Buddhism as a guide for life without making it a religion, and has some wonderful instruction on meditation.
Don't get too down on yourself, don't get self destructive, and don't convince yourself that you can't do this. You can. Just pick yourself up and pick up where you left off.

[Nordman]

Thanks for helping me, friends.

Valjean, I think you are right in what you say about mindfulness. I know I have a weakness in being "hysterical", not in a screechy or even very noticeable way, but I can lose my sense if direction in a sense when if difficult situations. I have many times thought about learning ways to become more like my non-religious buddhist friend.
(I will check out the book you recommend some time this summer)

And as to whther or not my poor perfomance was due to my porn abstinence or not, it really doesn't matter that much. I am convinced that it is temporary in any event, or in deed occasional, as you suggest. I totally agree with you. On hindsight that is the only viable conclusion, however at the time it breached my defenses, and I can only prepare myself for the next time I try to fool myself!

It's seeing things I've seen already, betraying my wife, depleting my brain's supply of dopamine, giving myself depression, promoting the abuse of damaged women, etc etc etc ad nauseum.

Case in point!

As a matter of fact I have already decided to leave my office in the afternoon, when the others leave, and continue at the university where people are.

Again, thanks for your support, I feel better now that I've been clean a few days. My mind is sobering up.

[slave]

Here is an idea.. Try it if you want, do you carry a picture of your wife in your wallet? Well if you don’t, get one, just like a nice picture of her. Then every time you just start to feel any urges, pull it out immediately and as many times as you need, look at your wife and imagine her seeing your thoughts, the ones you definitely don’t want her to know, how would she feel about them? Then run a list through your head where you appreciate her for everything and just fill your head with being loyal to her, and how much it must hurt for her.. I’m not married but I think its something that would really help me if I was..