HELP Relapsed three times!!

[freedomahoy]

Hi Dave,

Just in from work, alone...and at the computer...all triggers for me, so I thought I'd better just check in and spill and try to take the edge of the urge to use again.

Yep, telling the truth was very hard, and the impact on my loved one ripples out with unpredictable results; one minute she seems to have more or less accepted it, then (perhaps obviously enough) she recalls another time or situation when I obviously lied to her, or she's reminded of images she feels are just foul and degrading - I didn't quite clear out my email account before telling her, which had some (genuinely uninvited) P emails from All Internal........oh dear........so all in all it's been hard for a delicate Christian lady to come to terms with.

But, thank God, and maybe also by employing a little of my own good sense, I could see it was better in the long run; she'd found out months ago and I promised I'd leave it alone, which I did for maybe a week or two, but of course went back.

I'll have to take your word for it that things are going to get easier - I feel like I'm surrounded by sexy images hankering for my brains' attention just by looking in the newspapers; coming home and having the time, inclination and opportunity is harder still.

But so far so good, and I'm just taking it one day at a time and remembering the feelings that come up when I think about letting myself down, hurting my gfriend and short changing myself and her from being in a full relationship because a million different women on JPEGs and MPEGs had/have a hold on my heart and my (delusional) brain. Instead of being real about what I've needed in the relationship and taken the harder route of putting it out there and taking a risk, I've just used P to medicate my own frustrations and keep myself from moving forward.

Your point about wasting time is well made, thank you; as much as a part of thinks not looking at P is a waste of my time (!), I know that a larger part wants to benefit from the lessons and be closer to people (my gfriend especially) in the real world. And yes, any time spent being free of the impulse to look/**** etc, and allow P producers to exploit me as well as their 'stars' is time well spent. Life is short enough.

Right, I feel much better for getting that off my chest, thank you!, and now I can go and make dinner and move out the craving zone for a few hours more.

P.S. - I don't know if this is of use to anyone but sexualcontrol.com/ by
Joe Zychik is (for me) a really helpful resource - just thought I'd put that out there too.

All the best

freedomahoy

[helpme4life]

Hey everybody. I am just so glad that this site is here because if it wasn't I probably would have looked at P. I don't even know how to explain the feeling that I am feeling right now. I don't want to look and then again I do. I have used my computer to look at porn for so long that now just doing normal things on it doesn't feel normal. Isn't that crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just surfing the web and typed some P site in on the google bar but I didn't hit enter. Instead I came straight here. I am so glad that I didn't. I would have totally felt terrible and all that I have worked for would be gone in one day. I don't want to be on this roller coaster ride with P anymore. I am tired of it. Even when me and my husband try to make love I constantly have those images burned in my mind. I hope one day that I won't see those images anymore. Don't get me wrong it has gotten a lot easier but it is still a struggle. I am thankful for everyday that I don't fall victim to my temptation. I have been P free since Mar 14. I am so happy but I know the battle isn't over. I have to do the same thing that I did yesterday to make sure I don't look at P today. Well these are just my thoughts. Have a great day.

[freedomahoy]

Dear helpme4life

I just wanted to say I really identified with your post - I too have spent so long surfing and looking at P that to think about actual research or something on the computer feels weird and incomplete. Before, once I'd had enough..., I could move onto things like essays etc, but now I feel like a big part of my time structuring has just gone, so thank God I can come and just say what the hell this is like for me, and not feel so isolated.

I was actually sat here thinking about how I could kid myself into looking at something soft, without it getting out of control, while really wanting the usual rudeness, and to get away from the thought I just checked my email - so thanks for the post and a giant well done for not choosing to go with your initial impulse. I have fewer days without P than you, and this is a daily struggle that I'm only just really getting a handle on. Thanks for making today easier.

All the best,

freedomahoy

[dave]

Somewhere I heard that we need to do something 17 times to make a new habit stick.....
I've found myself coming to this site several times daily in my 31 days P clean - I guess I now have a new and far better habit. I even feel a little withdrawl when I can't get to a computer for a day to check in with the forum.
Best wishes to all
Dave

[Little lock]

Congrats dave, you are on your way to defeating P! Welp, I relapsed yesterday evening, after about 3 days. I was able to go P free for a few months at a go, so relpasing so soon really shocked and disapointed me. Its my fault, really. I failed to spot a few warning signs that the beast in me was stirring again Sigh. Its back to the drawing board for me...