The Cloud

[Rockinastorm]

I was spending some time in the SO section of TTF, when some posts got me back to thinking about the history of my recovery. And then I ran into The Cloud. The cloud is gray, and thick, and obtrusive. It gets bocks my vision looking backwards. Sometimes for far memories, and other times more recent ones. It likes to linger on troubling events and scenarios, things I should never have been doing, and situations that brought me great pain. The Cloud does its best to obscure the worst parts of my life, but It can't hide what happened, only the details surrounding it.

The Cloud, I think, means well but it gets in the way. It is still very active, and as soon as a sign of trouble appears, The Cloud jumps into action, fogging my mind from everything I just said, or trying to prevent me from recalling something important. In this way, The Cloud stops me from finding the answers that I need, and it hinders, rather than helping me. The Cloud expects me to still run from my problems and let it erase my tracks behind me, but I am done running. I am done hiding in my shadowy mind.

I tell The Cloud to go, that I don't need it anymore, but it is still here, trying to protect me. The Cloud, however, is still a part of me, the greatest of an extraordinary set of illusions I created to facilitate my empty life. Thankfully, it is the only one left. The Cloud is dangerous to me. It helps me forget the pain I have put myself through. It doesn't want to let me feel the shattered heart of my fiancé.

I try to fight The Cloud, but I cannot touch it. I throw myself at it, and end up grasping at thin air. I need to find a way to fight it, or get it to leave. I can’t drag The Cloud out of my mind, but today I have given it a name. Now I can stand against The Cloud. I know all of it’s moves. I know what it will try next. I can see it coming.

From this day forward, The Cloud is no longer welcome in my mind.

[Timothy]

"When Dark Clouds of trouble hang over us and threaten our peace to destroy , there is hope, smiling brightly , before us, and We know that deliverance is nigh"...- Words from a verse of the LDS HYMN"WE thank thee o God for a Prophet"
" Helter, skelter, I must fly for shelter, till the clouds roll by". From the song of the same name, Music by Jerome Kern.
Thankful for you ,Friend. Take care, TIm

[comet]

Hi, my friend,
Sorry, I don't understand completely what do you mean by "The Cloud". I think maybe you mean the carving and urge to watch p, or you mean something that keeps you remembering the sorrow and pain you created to your partner, and fools you to use p again.
Addiction is something that can not die easily, I collapse and relapse over and over. But we have made the choice, the choice is to fight against this addiction. It is not only a wise choice, but it is also a commitment. A commitment to your partner, to anyone you care about and care for, that because we don't want to hurt them more so we don't use p; It is a commitment to yourself, that says I never use p or m NOW no matter what happened, because it is bad to me.
Because it is hard to keep, so it is called a commitment. in the airplane to victory, we can't allowed anything like cloud block us, stop us, we can arrive the destination late, but we can't stop because of the cloud and fog.
Timothy gave us an empowering lyrics. There is hope, always hope. So smiling brightly!