Trouble with my sweetheart :(

[Betterforever]

I'm going through a rough patch with my girlfriend, and it's really got me down. I love her with all of my heart and I know that she loves me and usually we very happy together, and it makes me so happy to be with her. Sometimes suddenly, without warning, she becomes very cold and distant. She says she gets flashes of thoughts of what I have done, how I have heart her and sometimes she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again. I know that this is reasonable for her to feel this way and I don't blame her or anything, but it is very hard on me. To go from the heights of contentment to the depths of hurt, uncertainty, and despair so suddenly is very painful, and I think I feel worse every time because I don't know how long either one of us can keep doing this. I am afraid to ask her how she feels sometimes, I get really nervous about seeing her.


I'm really just venting on here, but if anybody has any advice I would be glad to hear it. She is a big part of my motivation in every aspect of my life. It seems sometimes like everything that I have done doesn't make a difference in her eyes. I feel like I am doing very well in my recovery and I'm not even worried about a relapse, I have come to a point where my reasons for using it are far outweighed by my reasons to stay away, it still crosses my mind occasionally but it is not even an argument in my head anymore, I just don't even want to.

thanks.

[JenMac]

Hi Betterforever!
I am glad to read of your concern for your girlfriend. What she is going through can really be compared to a trauma. It is a natural way for her to be feeling. There are many of us who have felt the same way.
It takes a long time to overcome these feelings of hurt and betrayal B. Unfortunately it doesn't go away easily. But with understanding and committment from you she will hopefully start to be able to move foreward with healing. The best thing you can do at this moment in time is to show an abundance of patience and a willingness to support her through this.
I know that it is hard for you to see her in this place and that it will bring up shame for you. I know that is very difficult!
There are some videos for partners posted in the general thread that you may be interested in. It will explain what she is going through. Perhaps you could share them with her as well.
Wishing you all the best B! Please remember that healing will be on her timeline and your support is vital to that healing.
Jenn

[stillinlove]

Hi BF,
Being on both sides, I certainly understand what she is feeling and how frustrating to you this may seem.
Have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know about TTF, that there is a section for SO, and a Wed eve partners group
where you both can get information. Be sure to continually communicate with her, how your day was, reassure her.
I'd say right now, is to have compassion for her. Everything doesn't revolve around you and your recovery. She has her own recovery process to go through. If you don't already have it, put some softwear on your computer, cell phone, and have her be the keeper of the password. Perhaps that would giver her some feeling of being safe.
You brought back a memory, not sure why. In the beginning of early recovery, when relapse was thought of to be the norm, I remember my husband telling our therapist pretty much what you wrote, and I'd turn to him and say TOUGH!! in an angry, hurtful voice. He had no idea how much this disease affected me. Of course the time came I had to give up my anger, to save myself, and recognize he was hurting as much as I was. It was a turning point in our recovery.
Oh, and IMO, it's either inner our outer circle, there is no in between. There are triggers of different levels and how to get through them, and there are accidental coming across stuff, but also how to handle that. Anything in the middle, is risking inner!

Good luck.

[Betterforever]

Thank you everybody!!! We are doing much better now :) I understand that she has been traumatized and I don't blame her or anything, I don't expect any less, I was mostly just letting this out. Typically I would have written this in my journal, I don't know why I put it on here instead but I'm glad I did. I am trying to be as supportive and patent as I can with her as well as do everything I can to further my own recovery, and I don't mean that to sound like I'm at my whits' end or anything, I'm not going to stop any time soon. I think we are going to be alright :) Thanks again for listening!

Jenn - I saw the link to those videos and I downloaded the first set, haven't had a chance to watch 'em yet.

stillinlove - I have talked to her about this as well and seeing me upset upsets her quite a bit. What does IMO mean?
Thanks again so much

[Leeluu]

Your post could have been writen by my husband. Right now, we are going through the same thing. He said something to me the other day, and it made me realize that since all this came out, I hadn't once told him that I noticed and appreciated everything he was changing just to make me happier and more comfortable and that it was helping me a great deal to heal. So, I am fairly confident she notices everything you are trying to do and it is helping.

We are reminded everyday, several times a day, of the pain and as hard as I try, sometimes I can't push the thoughts out of my head before they take over and force me into my "protective bubble". A couple weeks ago, I was distant, I could see my husband was concerned but he left it alone. Then while I was folding laundry, he came up behind me and just held me for a couple minutes. That day, it was all I needed to get myself in a better mood, him reaching out and reminding me how much he loves me is sometimes all I need from him. So my suggestion is when you see her getting cold and distant, maybe just ask her what she needs from you or just do something that you know will remind her how much she means to you. Sometimes the smallest gestures can have the biggest impact.

[Deelmo]

Ahhh, the porn healing paradox - You want congradulations for something that makes her want to vomit!!! Do you understand the strength it takes for her to just say to you "good job". Just the thought of how well you are doing makes her think of what you did to her. It brings back all the heartache, pain, and yes trauma. I understand your feelings. But remember, for her to heal from your betrayal, you need to step away from your feelings and empathize with hers. Sucks, doesn't it. If I had only known the destruction to my wife's heart that my using porn would have caused, I would never have even looked at a swimsuit ad! Remember that none of this is her fault, take total responsibility. You caused her to feel that way. It is hard for us as men to admit this, but we must. Keeping loving her.