How do I break this monthly cycle?

[Sick of It]

Well again here I sit, defeated once again. I gave into the monster.'what else can I do but come crawling back again. Damn. I sat here and did nothing a obout my cravings. I let it overcome me. No excuses. I think that I must get out of the situation immdiatly and into a situation or place that it's impossible for me to act out. I cannot fight this at home alone. Nothing will stop me in that situation. Nothing, eventually, and not in too long a time either. I need to go some where else until the cravings supside. I go a few weeks fine all spiritual and all reading the bible and listening to chants in the woods.'but as soon as the thought enters my head in a few weeks and I'm alone. Nothing matters. Why doesnt anything else matter to meat that time?'it'sSuch a powerful feeling. I was only at it for about 20 min but one second is long enough to destroy me. So I knocked myself down a billziion timesAnd I'm getting back up a billiionth and one time. I really don't know how many more I can. I really starting to feel like permanently screwed up and going to in this cycle for ever. But something keeps telling me that Im in the process of recovery from something i did almost daily for over 40 years. I only have a hope stopping this horrible nightmare if I stay Herr and in the process. I can get a few weeks but damn if I can get any more then that.'I can't explain with words just how frustrating and demoralizing that is. I really feel like a hopeless freak. But god and you people tell meSomething different. What's the secret to long term abstainance. How can I stop being so full of shit and knock this crap off forever. And why are the feelings so strong to do it just before it happens and such strong feelings of miserary afterward. I WOULD NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE BUT I AM STARTING TO SEE WHY SO MANY IN THE INDUSTRY DO. This pain of being so god damn full of shut is brutal...just brutal.'and it's even more amazing that despite this agony, I do it again like it never happened WTF???

[mell]

Hi Sick of it,

Your name says it all - we are sick, as in diseased. That is what our addictions do to us.

I believe the key to recovery is support. We cannot do this on our own. We need to be able to reach out for help.

What are you doing in your daily routine for recovery? If you are consistently struggling at a few weeks, there needs to be something more. Maybe support groups (SAA, SA, AA, or anything else). There is a tremendous power when we can surrender and reach out to another person for help.

I don't know if you have started a journal here, if you haven't - that would be a good start. If you have, post daily so we can see what you are doing every day. We have to be accountable.

[BigEyes]

Hi Sick,

The thing that helped me the most was to drop the desire & longing for P. I also dropped the idea that I would go back to it at some point.

I "walked away" from the porn. I did hit a hard bottom. That helped a lot.

To paraphrase Yoda: "There is no try, only do."