Recovery is Not Being 'dry'

[stillinlove]

Hi guys,
Most of you know me from being an SO, but since I am also in recovery from SA(with P thrown in) for a long time and feel it's okay for me to ask something of those that are in long term recovery. Could there be a forum that only those with recovery over, let's say 3 or maybe even 6 months, write about what their mindset is, not just in general, but day to day. Only talk about recovery. Those with less time can only say thank you or they like it, but they cannot post anything other then what they are doing to stay recovered.

I was reading alot of the posts in the different forums and wondered if those who are trying to recover still have in the back of their minds that as soon
as they bounce back from their latest binge, they will go back to do it all again. Do they have an end date to recovery that they aern't even aware of. Do they set themselves up. I know there are rumors and even written about in books we read putting into peoples minds that this is the hardest addiction to recover from, that it may even be impossible. How sad that they've given yet another excuse to use. And yes, there is all the science about how the brain works, but that doesn't mean it is an excuse with some saying, oh well, I'm doomed.

The mind is very interesting. We hardly use it. We hardly tap into the areas that strengthen who we are. We hardly pick up books that teach ways to enhance consciousness. We read about meditation, affirmations. Finally, it took many years for it to finally reach mainstream and be accepted. Yet, there is so much more to go. Unless your head's been in the sand, everyone knows that Einstein said we only use 10% of our brain. We read it, and then go onto the next item of the day. We should be curious as to what he was talking about. Don't we want to enrich ourselves with using more. We certainly didn't stop manipulating ourselves to learning all there is about P. We sat for hours at a time, morning into evening at our computers for the P. Yet, people don't even devote a quarter of their time each day to recovery. White knuckling it doesn't cut it. I don't know about you, but I don't like thinking of myself as a wimp. I was always amazed at how POWs managed to thrive. I like knowing I can be that focused on recovery and feeling good and that's it, the P days are over. Period. Done. Totally committed to figuring how to get through life with out our past haunting us. And being happy. We deserve it.

For the past couple of nights I read many posts where, atleast for myself as a recovered person, can pick up on the vibes and know if the person will stick it out and learn about recovery, or that they are just resting. Conning themselves into thinking because they found a website or a group to attend that that's all it takes.

And us SO, it's the samething. Our brains are (were) so focused on our PA that we don't even know who we are anymore. Where did we go? And they choose to stay in the drama, forgetting they also have alot of work to do on themselves. Years ago(many) I loved being able to hide behnd my husband with the focus only being on him. It meant I didn't have to look at myself. Some finally wake up one day, and say, that's it, enough is enough. Time to detach. Still love, still concer, but decide to take care of themselves. Some choose to stay focused and angry, and depressed.

Anyway, back to the beginning. I know there are a few guys with long recovery. Give the others more information, so oneday they will wake up one morning and walk away from P forever.

It is so sad to see those who come with their eyes wide open,

[ocja0201]

You want a forum where only the elite can talk? Part of what makes this site so powerful is the therapy of dialogue, so I personally don't see how this could be useful. It is true that sometimes you see someone who is simply not willing or ready to give up their addiction and that is their choice to make. To segregate them isn't doing them or us any favors. I can learn as much from their own mistakes as I can from the words of those who walk the path of virtue. It is also key to remember that at no point are you recovered, at no point are you above falling back down until the last breath you take, to think otherwise is hubris and pure folly.

Now about the idea that we only use 10% of our brains....this is just not true, and has no basis in any evidence that cognitive psychology has produced. Einstein was a theoretical physicist and not a neurologist, when speaking outside his field of expertise his opinion is to be given no further weight than our own. Brain wave scans completely disprove this pop culture heuristic, oddly enough so does logic. From an evolutionary standpoint it would make no sense to have the brain, which comprises 5% of total body mass, consuming 20% of the bodies resources if it was only ever using 10% of its capability. I am sorry if this comes across as being harsh, it wasn't meant to be, but I do feel that certain ideas have to go if we are going to keep heading in a helpful direction.

God Bless,

~J

[mell]

Hi Stillinlove,

I've been sober for 9 months now and I have been in a very good place - recovery wise lately. I can still learn from a first time poster, or a guy who walks into an SAA meeting still engaging in his / her addiction. I don't think its fair to segregate anybody based on their sobriety.

As far as the mindset of somebody inlong term recovery, there are many journals here from these types of people (including mine). My day to day recovery has progressed from fighting triggers to exploring my inner self. So, for someone new to recovery, they may not understand what my journal is getting at. I rarely post about a white knuckling incident, or an incident where I am really struggling to fight off the temptation to act out because I am removed from that at this stage. I am working on deeper things. That said, I may have temptation at any time, I am an addict. I think the most important thing to remember is that I will always be an addict. If I start to slip (from a greater distance now, for me) I can easily tumble and go into my acting out if I do not recognize it and fix it quickly.

I have learned that I do set myself up for acting out through my character defects. It is the way I am wired to deal (or not deal) with my daily issues.

Everything I talk about here is about recovery - even if it does not seem so.

[stillinlove]

There are plenty of forums to read and learn and help first time posters or newbies. And as I figured, my point went right past because I got reactions, instead of, hmmm, i wonder what she's getting at.
I understand. And that's fine. And as someone with very long term recovery, it's too bad you chose to shoot me down instead of asking to expand or ask questions.

[waterlily327]

StillinLove, maybe you could clarify what you mean? I was a little confused by your initial post and from you second post on this thread, I gather that I was not the only one. I am interested in understanding what you were envisioning.

[mell]

Still in love,

I'm sorry if you took my reply as 'shooting you down'. I simply replied with my thoughts. It is all a matter of opinion here.

If I missed your point, please explain.

[JenMac]

Hi guys!
Just wanted to jump in here to offer up how I read Still's original post.
I understood her train of thinking to mean, that the more experienced people could give newcomers a look inside what works for them. I didn't see it as segregating as the others that responded did, but more like highlighting what works for those that are having some success. It would be a way of keeping those strategies all in one place rather than in separate journals.
I wonder Still if you are meaning a thread dedicated to that rather than a forum?

Jenn

[stillinlove]

I knew you would get it, Jen.
That's a good start.

[burnedout]

Hi Still
I just skimmed the posts in this thread. Looks pretty lively already! Your leadoff post caught my eye because I was thinking about this very subject today. I've been at this for about eight months now, and I said to myself today that after all this time I still feel like a dry drunk. One major thing happened today that convinced me it's time for me to change my mindset once and for all, that believing in myself isn't optional, it's imperative. I really think that how I view myself has affected and will continue to affect everything I do for good or ill. More on that later. The main thing is that, what I'm hoping once this new attitude starts to set in, is that I'll enter the next phase of recovery. We shall see.

Thanks for starting this,
John

[stillinlove]

I was on another site, and they happened to have what I'm after.
It is a forum - "What Works For You" Please share your tips, techniques, books, programs,etc.
If it is only a thread it will get lost.

As a forum it would be right in front of everyone's face. Someone is new, or even someone around awhile
and is having difficulty in a specific area, they could go to that forum and see if something clicks for them.

For others who are just resting, it plants a seed.

And anyone reading it can reply to someone's post and can only tell them how it applied to them and what their
experience of using the tip, what it did for them, how it's helping their recovery, reactions from SO from them using the tip.
How they now feel having used it and what it did for them.

No drama, no war stories. No pity parties. Straight and to the point.
If someone is reading a post from the newcomers or general, or recovery forums and they come across someone hurting from a particular issue,
not only answer it their but put it on the 'what works for you' place. So others can benefit from it, too.

If you don't want to put a timeframe for who can post a tip, that's fine. I'm from old school. It was - keeps your ears open and your mouth shut.
come up with a plan of action. what three things did you do today for your recovery. after we finished telling our woes, it was - and what did you do
to get out of it, how did you change the situation., what will you do if it happens again. It was done with TLC.

And it could be not only for the PA, but the SO, too. We have the same issues you do, no difference, instead of going to the P, we go to obsessing over
our spouse. Whether a PA or an SO, we all start out hurting. The 3 second rule can apply to a SO just as well as a PA. Triggers apply to us as they do to PAs.

So, do you get my drift? There are plenty of other places to share pain and support whether through TLC or a pep talk.
I don't know about you, but I got tired of losing the battles (there's just so much shame and guilt one can take), I chose to win the war. I didn't want to be in the 95% that they say don't recover, I want to be in the 5% that do. Why not, don't we deserve it? And I want that 5% grow to a larger number so the phallacy that its impossible to recover and have long term sobriety can be tossed away.

So, that's my take on it.