Over coming Shame and Guilt...HOW ?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I have a question.
if it was ourselves, or a fellow addict, that is trying there best to overcome this addiction, and truly does what freedom from it, what would you suggest to them to do, to get over this shame and guilt, if it was putting them in a stand still in there recovery?
Also because of this shame and guilt, he is not able to forgive himself, to move on
If you have any suggestions at all, please feel free to post them.


Your fellow addict
Gerald

[HopefulsRock]

Excellent question Gerald as all us PA's have felt the shame and guilt or we wouldn't be here trying to make things better. For me at first it works as a great reminder to the pain and hurt I caused my wife and it helped motivate my recovery in a positive direction. However eventually it held me down and I found myself not being able to enjoy things and not being able to find the energy to even do much around the house... The "Beast" may not have been winning but he sure had a strangle hold on me and I found myself getting depressed. It was actually my wife Hopeful who said that maybe I needed to forgive myself... but how? I had already asked God for forgiveness and went to confession at church and received forgiveness from both and then the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life bar none... I asked my wife for forgiveness and that was huge but then the guilt and shame crept back in after a few months or so... ? So like I have many times in this recovery of mine I sought out books on the subject that may help me and so far I've been pretty fortunate in that regard. I found the book, "Radical Self-Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping and although it is a bit deep and maybe odd at times it sure helped me to forgive myself and move on in this process of recovery.

The book takes you through a process itself and has you do some exercises to help you understand your mind and what your going through but for a summation I'd say these 3 things;

1. Stop doing whatever it is your seeking forgiveness for and make the decision that it's no longer a part of your life and never do it again!
2. Own up to your mistakes of the past that you're feeling shame and guilt about and accept them as your own and nobody else's!
3. Move on in a positive direction and do your best to make amends for your poor decisions of the past.

There's much more to it then that but if you are indeed having trouble forgiving yourself then you definitely need to find a way past it and I'd say this book helped me to get some good insight to myself. I read this back in May and as I read back in my journal I started to cry again... talk about insight try that, reading back in your own journal.... God this TTF is powerful! here's how I finished my post back then,

• I need to forgive myself…!
• I asked Hopeful for forgiveness… –and she gave it!
• I asked God for forgiveness… -and I know he gave it!
• I confessed to a priest… -and some prayer assignments were given to me & he absolved me of my sins.

*** But I need to forgive myself! ***

I need to accept what I’ve done and make sure I never do it again while I replace those old habits with positive ones!

I need to accept that I’m human and made mistakes and then take what’s left and make something stronger & better! …and every day is a new opportunity!

Me – Hopefuls Rock… need to forgive myself so I can look in the mirror and see the man I want to be!

I need to forgive ME! …So I can become ME, the man everyone else already thinks is me, I need to make it so!

~ Rock

[mell]

Tough question Gerald,

I am in a group that is working through that very thing - learning to forgive ourselves. It is a huge obstacle.

I think the key is to get honest with ourselves by digging into our resentments, fears, or other character defects. This is a process that allows us to see what drove us to our addictive behaviors. Once we start to see these things, we can work to resolve them through awareness.


In our new found awareness, we will have the strength to truly ask for forgiveness. We can also see that we are taking steps to fix ourselves. And, somewhere in this process, we will start to forgive ourselves.

As with anything else in recovery, it is a process made up of hard work and deep soul searching. We will need support throughout the process, as we are often blinded by our reason.

Just my 2 cents worth.....

[BigEyes]

I would agree with the first two replies.

Talking it out with fellow addicts (SAA 12 step group) is a good start. It is always helpful to talk to others who have run into similar problems (learned this in a bereavement group several years ago).

Talking with a good a counselor would be extremely helpful. A good counselor is hard to find, but worth it.

[Disillusioned]

I am not a PA, but I know a thing or two about guilt. Avoiding it, can be a strong motivator to do the right thing. Carrying it too long just weighs you down like an over-loaded freighter and threatens to sink your ship, as well as slowing down your progress. My h seems to have a good grasp on that, at least with regard to me. He said he cannot change the past, and that is true. He can't. He has said he is sorry and from there, all you can do is try to rebuild, but it also calls for re-examination of your needs, your own pain, and the certainty to not fall back to the same place again.
As worry is the interest paid on something that hasn't happened yet, guilt is continuing to pay on the debt after the loan is paid off.
Fruitless, and just adds to the problem.
I think we should concentrate on loving and being loved, and move from that square, avoiding a pro-longed stop on guilt. That's probably not much help,but it's the way I see it.
disillusioned

[2frustrated]

There's no easy answer to this one. One factor is that a lot of the shame/guilt can stem from messages we've received in our childhood--messages such as: you're not loveable, you're only loveable if you behave, you should be ashamed of your very existence, you're not good enough, you're only worthy of love if you do such and such, you're worthless, etc. Thus even legitimate guilt can be magnified to harmful proportions from these roots. One book I've seen that deals with this is "Healing the Shame that Binds You," by John Bradshaw.

[stillinlove]

That's a tough question. It's personal to each of us, and we cope in our own ways.
After I recovered from my sex addiction, Ifelt tremendous shame and guilt.
I got to a place after being in recovery for awhile, that I knew I did the things I did because of
the mindset I had at the time. That mindset was brought about from conditioning from childhood on up.
And I acted out what I thought was the only solution at that time. It was all I thought I could be and do.
As I healed more, and time came between the sad ol days and recovery, it lessened and at the same time went on the back burner.
My mind was now on the progress I was making in feeling better about myself, learning to like myself. When I did something good I stopped
looking over my shoulder and waiting for a significant person from my past or even present to say, NO, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT WAY,
cause that was all I heard in the past. It took alot of training to tell myself I deserved happiness, I didn't have to punish myself anymore.
30 years later, I still held secret one particular thing I used to do on the streets because of the shame that I felt and for fear of being judged.
I was able to tell my husband (now married over 4 years) because of his PA (I was starting to become addicted to P before I met him).
I didn't feel shame, probably because I was able to say, it's amazing what I resorted to to get by, (goosebumps!) I shuddered, and shook my head,
but I knew he accepted me.
During a counseling session, though, I shared with our therapist something I was when I was active, mind you, 30 years ago, and tears whelled up in my eyes and
I could actually feel the intense shame from those days. Somedays, I am in disbelief that I could have done those things. Where was I? So lost.
But after that, I was filled again with all the work I had done on myself to heal and I shook it off immediately. In the beginning it was a 24/7 shame. Now a glimpse every now and then and without the intense physical reaction shame brings about in us.
But again, I was able to put it in perspective to how I chose to live at that time, not realizing the effect it would have on me later in life.

It lessens over time. Need to care for yourself, learn to like yourself, especially as you do more and more good things, and I don't just mean staying away from P.
It's for all areas of our lives. Forgive yourself. Face your past demons, as a child and what conditioning we accepted.

As a side note - I remember back to when my son was 16 and he told me his step mom was berating him and constantly saying he was stupid, etc. He told me he knew it was her, otherwise everyone would be saying that to him. Duh, how come I never thought I had a choice to accept how I was treated. Perhaps the abuse started too young.

Good luck to you. It'll happen. It just takes time, and before you know it that time will be now.

[dave]

Some very insightful perspectives here.
I am Dave, aged 59, and have 3+ years of clean recovery time in.
The early months were really tough though.
One major breakthrough was learning about the different Dave's that live inside me.
They show up at different times.

One Dave experienced some abuse as a child.
Another one was so relieved when he discovered sx in his early teens,
but he had little guidance to understand its power.
There are several other Dave's who show up at different times - especially under stress.

My 59 year old Dave is usually able to recognize them and try to understand what they needed.
Learning to see myself in this way connects to the guilt I carreid around for so many years.
I had to come to terms that these 'Dave's' were just trying to get by in life - not very wisely, ethically, or nicely.
But, in a sense, it was all they know. I know better now.
But sometimes when they show up I have to care for them in ways that they needed earlier.
This is my journey of healing.

Hope this helps.
A good cousellor was critical in coming to this insight.

Dave

[mell]

I have been in a good place in my recovery lately. I have been growing, seeing things in a different light. I feel like all the work I have done is starting to work through me. Maybe I had to be ready for it, I don't know.

I've always struggled with the higher power concept. I know I have to acknowledge my higher power to advance in recovery (I subscribe to 12 step theory). To do that, I pray - irregularly, but as much as I remember to. I also meditate (or at least read a daily meditation) most days.

I feel like a quack writing this, but I had a significant higher power moment today. As I was driving home, a thought came over me, out of nowhere. "You have nothing to be ashamed of" I started crying, really crying when it happened and a wave of relief came over me.

I cannot describe why or how, and believe me, I often times think this "higher power crap" is just that. But I will swear on anything I have that this happened to me today. And it is an amazing thing.

So maybe it is just a matter of our being receptive to the concept of not feeling the guilt and shame. I've done some pretty terrible things in my life. I'm not shirking my responsibility at all here, but I was sick. I did not know how to cope with certain things that most non - addicts know how to do.

I'm perplexed as to how this happened, but I am so greatful that it did. No explanation or reason here, just a story.