Relapses, Consequences, and The Path Forward

[Daniel]

I am personally familiar with the issue of relapses and I've encouraged many members here, and they have encouraged me, when a relapse has happened.

Without retracing all of my steps here, I can say honestly that I have not relapsed "back to" HC P, but I did relapse to R-rated material for a time.

For the record, my first day clean from HCP was April 26, 2008. My first day clean in every regard that I know of was July 15, 2011.

I realize for many SOs, this kind of "smelly" vs. "not that smelly" distinction in P use are utterly meaningless. My angle is to count victories, as recovering addicts are wont to do, with all respect going to all of the SOs out there, chiefly Mrs. Daniel of course.

The last 5 months of my life have been the cleanest in my memory.

And, the last 5 months of my life have been some of the most-ever traumatizing: from the exercise of recovery, a gigantic and violent rift in my family of origin splitting it right down the middle, plus the usual hum-drum of being very busy at home and at work -all the while carrying on such that from the exterior, you would never know that anything at all worth writing down has ever happened to me.

Relapses

We are familiar with them, so no need to explain what they are.

Exactly why they happen, or what precedes their happening, much could be written...

I have noted in other posts that half-measures are surely not going to work for long-term success, i.e., avoiding the dreaded relapse using an analogy from drag racing.

Maybe it's related to just the right amount of personal-emotional trauma, but I believe relapses are avoidable. It simply comes down to choosing and choosing right consistently

I am not under any illusions and do not claim mastery by any stretch. I am a PA and I could relapse tomorrow (God forbid). Further, I have way too much respect for 1) members here, and 2) the power of PA, to say "I've got it figured out." It is theoretically possible that I could relapse the day after tomorrow and check back with you 3 years from now and explain what happened.

Consequences

If I did relapse I should: 1) possibly have to divorce Mrs. Daniel, 2) possibly lose my job, 3) irrevocably harm my family, 4) destroy my reputation, 5) destroy carefully rebuilt trust, self-confidence, self-respect. Bring to ruin A LOT of very precious things.

This would happen because Honesty has also been staked as a non-negotiable.

I could always go back to hiding and loading up on deceit, lying to Mrs. Daniel and others in the name of not-rocking-the-boat.

But I've committed to honesty with Mrs. Daniel.
Therefore, lies are no longer workable.

Add that my conscience is recovering after being seared for a lot of years with a hot iron.


The Path Forward

I conclude therefore, if the penalty is stiff, the desire to choose wrong and relapse will cease or at a minimum, give pause to the pondering PA.

Therefore, if the penalty is not stiff, the "ease" of relapse will almost certainly lead to more relapse and imprisonment.

I am not being theoretical here, as I've lived in the zone of lies and easy relapse; I know it too well unfortunately.

And I also know that relapse can happen to those extremely committed to recovery. And, God-willing, an SO and a PA can still put it back together again, incorporate the lessons learned into a new path forward, and continue down the road. Above everything else for me as a PA and in recovery, giving up is not allowed.


For a relapse to happen, I have to convince myself that a certain dangerous action that could totally destroy my life, is actually a good thing.

Welcome to self-delusion.

I must rationalize my way into a mental space where bad is good, good is bad, and nothing should stop me from getting what I want.

I will give my conscience an "out" like this:

• "just this once"
• "it's not that bad"
• "this is pleasing"
• "this will work out"
• "I've done it before"
• "I really want this"
• "this is good for me"
• "I will pretend it never happened"
• "I've been good a long time and deserve a rest"
• "I've never had pressure like this before"
• "If I give in, the pressure will go away"
• "I'll hasten the personal failure and just 'get it over with'"
• "God will, afterall, forgive me for this"
• "this advances my personal mission for happiness"

The idea is to identify these preludes to failure, appearing on the stage of life first as a glimmering thought, and destroying them completely by whatever method works for you.

In my case, when I have an impure thought, I declare to myself a silent prayer: "In Jesus name, I reject that thought. God, please take that thought away. I do not want to think like that anymore."

Life of the Mind: I have to really come to myself (frequently) and realize that a life using P, or relapsing to P, is twisted. In this moment of realization I don't want to (and I don't want you to) live this twisted life anymore.

I will declare: "I don't want to be like this."

Can I be "grieved enough" to stop?

Am I really sorry -internal soul-anguish, not just "sorry I got caught"? I testify that I am really sorry.

Do I react with repulsion at something that I used to pursue with glee? Yes.

Have I "bitten the bullet" and "made it right" with those I mistreated with my habit? Yes.

Am I Energetically Pursuing my recovery? Yes.

Am I moving forward, and LIVING FREE in the moment? Yes.

Do I want this for everyone reading this?

YES.

Your Life is In Front of You,

Daniel

[Disillusioned]

Thanks, Daniel, for your heartfelt discussion of this. When I first heard of your relapse, I must admit, it nearly shook me from the tree I was resting in...black and white and no other colors. I thought, what is the use of going through all of this recovery business if even someone who has been working at recovery as long as Daniel has can still fall back. I don't think my h has worked very far into his own issues, so this really frightened me about what might lie in store for him and for us.
When I shared my despair about this with my sister SOs, one even advised me to stay away from the recovery side of the forum! I should not do that, as to do that eliminates the growth and understanding needed to be a loving partner to my h and a loving friend to the other PAs and their SOs on TTF.
To some extent, I have come to the realization that this will be a problem for as long as we live. The siren always beckons and the p purveyors and advertisers make sure she beckons often and in many places so that she captures attention and is heard. A man has to say "no" to himself more times a day than I like to think about.
I am still reading and learning, and I don't have all the answers, by a long shot, but I have read that s-x-al stimuli travel at 20% faster speed than other stimuli to the brain. That is because we were designed to be fruitful and multiply...biological imperative, is what it might be termed scientifically. Men are simply designed to notice a woman of reproductive age and proportion as a chance to spread their genes. At any rate, I understand that a strong neural pathway has been reinforced by use of P, and that the route to the pleasure center has been used so often with P, that this is going to be a tough fight for the rest of our lives. It doesn't imply that recovery doesn't work, as in if there is a slip or a relapse, there is still the strong call (because of what we have learned at TTF) to go back to the straight and narrow path we have defined as recovery. Even though, as an SO, I am terribly hurt by the past and worried about the future, I have a better understanding of the beast we are all fighting. I don't know how a PA can possibly predict all triggers he will encounter and prepare for them in advance. We are also s-x-al beings from birth, so this is a pretty strong drive to control. I guess what I am saying is that I am grateful to each man who is trying to live a better life, and take the higher road. I realize failure or a lapse is not the absolute end of the world, although I did think so before I began to think about this with your situation. It is another bump, and if honesty and integrity still rule, and the PA goes back to recovery with even a better understanding of himself, and a stronger resolve, perhaps it is not the end of the world that it seemed to be to me earlier.
We, as spouses, and even as TTF members must look toward the positive. You are not gone...you are here, honestly sharing an experience we can all learn from. Has a relapse lessened your resolve? No, it has made it stronger, made you realize yet more work
must be done. It has to be terribly humbling to be a leader here and still struggling and to admit that relapse, which we all hoped would not even be an option, has indeed occurred. Thank you for your honesty and your new appraisal of your struggle. Thank you for not turning a relapse into a binge or a repeated everyday problem. Please be sure to thank Mrs. Daniel for her continuing love, understanding and support. Wish she could bottle her resolve and dedication and sell it to the rest of us who are still trying to cope, as in love the man; hate the P.
We are part of the 3% of mammals, that according to at least one source, are designed for fidelity by the large amounts of oxytocin and vasopressin in our bodies. But these two bonding hormones do not remove lust, and unfortunately, we live in a society that feeds lust and where it is looked upon by many as an entitlement that our men be allowed to do so...."boys will be boys," etc. Instead of throwing my hands up in despair, I can look to your experience to see into the future what might happen, and although I dread going through any more of this, the fact that you have been honest with Mrs. Daniel and have not given up and into this as an everyday form of entertainment and coping is hopeful to me, instead of the dreaded outcome I initially saw it as. I want to thank you for your openness, honesty, and continued effort.
We might benefit from your list of rationalizations as a list that is commonly used when a person relapses, Daniel. We need all the help we can get dealing with this modern plague, and your journal still serves as a good example of a person trying to understand and be free of p.
God bless you in your continued efforts.
disillusioned

[Mac]

Hey Daniel

Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
You contunue to be a guiding light to all PA's here and your honesty sets the perfect example of the direction we need to take.
I have come to firmly believe that this recovery is simply going to be part of who I am until the day they drive me off in that long black limo.
But do you know something, I am very much ok with that, and I accept that. This does not define us, this is just part of who we are.
Your post convinces me that my thinking is on the right track.

Again thanks for giving me some good thoughts to ponder.

Mac