Back.

[ReadytoQuit]

I have no posted on here for a while because I still feel like I've failed after all these years. This summer though, I made quite an accomplishment for myself though as I went about a month without P or MB. This was huge for me, but I can honestly say that every single day it didn't get any easier, I felt better about life, but I also felt extremely scared. I wondered about my life and I felt fear everyday, the same fear I still have everyday. To me, it honestly feels like it's all I have in my life sometimes, and if it's all that I have, then what will I have once it's gone? This is what worries me most. Still, this morning, at 4:43 AM after another defeat, I am back to taking steps that I have already taken countless times. I've deleted all my accounts, and I'm ready to get back on the horse. I realize that if I ever aim to recover I can't do this alone, I cannot isolate myself. I shouldn't distance myself from others, but engulf myself in life. If I engulf myself in life, and commit myself, then there is hope. Thank you.

[BestShot]

Hi Back,

Listen buddy, I can tell you that I completely understand the feeling of "P, and it being all you have in your life". The reason is because "p" has been your main focus for so long and it does consume it's victims. So, remember this, the more you stay away from "P" the more you become aware of how much more is out there in the world. It will take time. More than a month. Maybe more than 3 months but I guarantee you that if you fight through the early stages (which are HARD) you will begin to subtly notice things change for you. You will begin to see that there is more out there. It will start in little ways. A willingness to simply talk to people more. A subtle feeling of "I am not ashamed" any more because I am working on getting away from "P". It slowly snowballs into better and better things brother. I have been where you are and I am still battling today but I can't tell you how much happier I am right now. Please keep up the good fight. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time and don't expect a miracle in just one week.

If you ever need to chat just let me know...send me a message or whatever. We are here for you brother!

Sincerely,

BestShot

[metalfossil]

Hi ReadytoQuit

Hang in there mate. Yes, it is very demoralising to be at square one again; been there more times than I'd also care to admit. Yeah, The Beast, likes you to think that it has ready answers to everything that ails you. You know IT's a bit like those travelling sideshow men with the bottle of miracle cures. IT also likes you to be on your own. All PAs know how soul sucking that is after a P session; especially one that ends in MB. Trouble is there is not an easy answer. The trouble is the bloody path out of PA is the path out of PA. P is all consuming only if you give IT the full rein. When the urge to look at IT is strong, stop and find yourself something else to occupy your time. My bathroom doesn't know what hit it...:-)Rediscover something you like doing that makes you happy. Write your SO a love letter. Text a friend. Visit here as often as possible.

....and as BestShot says: we are here for you brother! Strength in numbers as opposed to doing it by yourself and sucumbing to IT.

Dave

I have no posted on here for a while because I still feel like I've failed after all these years. This summer though, I made quite an accomplishment for myself though as I went about a month without P or MB. This was huge for me, but I can honestly say that every single day it didn't get any easier, I felt better about life, but I also felt extremely scared. I wondered about my life and I felt fear everyday, the same fear I still have everyday. To me, it honestly feels like it's all I have in my life sometimes, and if it's all that I have, then what will I have once it's gone? This is what worries me most. Still, this morning, at 4:43 AM after another defeat, I am back to taking steps that I have already taken countless times. I've deleted all my accounts, and I'm ready to get back on the horse. I realize that if I ever aim to recover I can't do this alone, I cannot isolate myself. I shouldn't distance myself from others, but engulf myself in life. If I engulf myself in life, and commit myself, then there is hope. Thank you.

[Bluebird]

RtoQ,

Do not look at it as a failure but rather as lessons you needed to learn in order to progress.

You have learnt:

1. p really is an addiction that you have.
2. You don't want this in your life.
3. You need support.
4. There is a place (here) for you to go that you are not judged.
5....well you fill in the rest as you go.

I wish you success.
Bluebird

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Still, this morning, at 4:43 AM after another defeat, I am back to taking steps that I have already taken countless times. I've deleted all my accounts, and I'm ready to get back on the horse. I realize that if I ever aim to recover I can't do this alone, I cannot isolate myself. I shouldn't distance myself from others, but engulf myself in life. If I engulf myself in life, and commit myself, then there is hope. Thank you.

Readytoquit

Hey ready, I hope you get this. you wrote what you did, 10/23/11, and I haven't seen you have come back on after writing this, so I stop by, to let you know, that it would be nice to hear from you again

You said something that is so very true, about our recovery, and that is, that we can not do it alone. the thing is, you are not alone, there are many here, who are so willing to help you to stay on track with your recovery, and to help you with whatever else we can help you with. I am hoping that all is going good for you, but even if they are, try to come here, and let us know how you are doing. we all need encouragement and support if we are to even have a small chance to beat this addiction, and yes it is a very hard fight at time, but it is so worth putting up a strong fight.

You said that you feel at times that this is all you have in life, and then you said, without it, what else would you have?

Freedom my friend, freedom from this addiction. this addiction takes away so much from us, it robs us from being able to do so many things, that we want to do in life. I am sure, that once you free yourself from this crap, and you become that new person, you will see that you have so much more to do in life. when you say in your head that this is all that you have in life, it is the addiction, telling you that. this addiction, is just as scared as you are at times, because he is aware, that you are trying to get rid of him, so he will do what it takes, to keep you in the darkness with him.

So don't listen to your head, but instead, listen to your HEART, because I know, deep in your heart, you want this crap gone.
SO PLEASE COME, AND LET US STAND BY YOUR SIDE, AND WE WILL FIGHT THIS BEAST TOGETHER, AS AN ARMY, WE WILL DEFEAT HIM TOGETHER.

Well I didn't want to ramble, but I just wanted you to know, that we care about you, and we want to see you fight this crap out of your life for good.

Hope to see you back here soon

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[ReadytoQuit]

Back to square one, but back. I’m attempting to do homework right now, but feel so antsy and physically drained, it’s tough. I plan on creating a journal as I feel like it could do me some real good. My computer recently broke, and I’m borrowing one to work on homework right now, but I feel like this is a good thing for me as it limits my time, and when I do use a computer it’s usually at school. I’ve never felt like I’ve had more of a chance to change my life than now. Will try to keep updating, to keep going.