how???

[metalfossil]

I hope this is posted in the correct place.

I know my wife is hurting and wounded deeply, I know my wife is doubting everything I say, and doubting that she can ever trust me again. I'm also not stupid enough to think that 'I promise...' is ever, ever going to be enough of an assurance again. I'm in a place that I've never been in before, and realise that I probably don't ever deserve her trust again.

I guess that is something I'll always have to live with. I was just wondering, to any of the SO's out there that are dealing with this issue, is there anything... (I'm really struggling with how to word this). I just want her (my wonderful wife) to know that I truly want to make ammends. I don't want IT in my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do to (attempt) make this up to her.

I'm doing everything I know how to deal with this: councillor, The Porn Trap book, Through the Flame, Covenant Eyes on the comp. I want her trust again...

HOW?

[Thoughtless]

I know how you feel. I have the same problem, but I am ashamed to admit I have not worked as hard at it as you have.
My wife’s inability to trust me hurts both of us. My hope is that time and increasing my efforts to demonstrate that I am trustworthy will bring improvement. I do love her and need her.

[RMH]

Well, if I was saying this to my SO(& I have) this is what it would be:- be 100% HONEST with everything- transparency is important, you don't have the option of privacy anymore- continue to tell your wife how much u love her, how beautiful she is, regardless of her response. TELL HERShe needs counseling too, and u both probably need couples counseling along with it. I can't stress enough the Transparency. Unfortunately my SO has not listened to anything I've said I needed (as u know from my PM) and I've caught him again continuing to lie, even when faced with proof. Let your wife put aoMonitoring program on your computer, check your phone, etc.. Bottom line, whatever she asks of you, do it without hesitation.

[metalfossil]

Hi Thoughtless,

Don't worry mate. It took me seven times that I was caught out until I realized that my SO had had enough of IT. Your headspace, like mine, just isn't in the right place like mine is now; FINALLY! I now have the horrible situation where my wife of over 20 years isn't sure if she wants to stay with me or feels the same way about me anymore. If you want some advice read RMH's response in this thread. That my friend is what you need to be doing in order to salvage any part of your relationship. Hope this makes sense?

[JenMac]

Hi Metalfossil!
Well I would have to say that it will take some time and noticeable action from you in order for your wife to feel safe from this. Once I had made my decisions about what I would and would not live with in my life, it was up to my H to show me what he was willing to do to put this in the past and keep it there. That took time and understanding on his part. Right from the beginning Mac was willing to do what it took to assure me that he would not go back there again. He took all of the steps that you are now taking, as well as being very attentive and giving. He was willing to do the difficult talking that was necessary, albeit slowly in the beginning. He was willing to care and look after me as he was shaken by the hurt he could see.
Metalfossil, continue to do what you are doing to show your wife love and committment. She will need time to be willing to let herself believe that you are changing. Patience is your biggest tool! Use it abundantly!
All the best!
Jenn
ps. hope she will join us!

[Jenny]

Not only do you need to show honesty, you need to show some actions too. Telling her that you want to quit and that you love her is easy, anyone can say that. But showing her actions, making your recovery and your relationship number 1 is a must. I want to see my H reading his books and discussing it with me. I want to see my H go to meetings and therapy. I want my H to ask me to go to marriage counseling, by his choice. I want to see my H on here reading and making friends or accountability partners. I want my h to start talking to me though I know it is hard for him, I want to see him put that effort in. I want my H to learn to be honest even when it is hurting or uncomfortable for him. And I want to see these efforts on consistently, not just when I have "caught him again". I want to see him do all these things not for me(but partly) but because he needs to do it for him. If he does it for him, he benefits, his family benefits. I benefit.

[metalfossil]

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for replying.

I profoundly hurt my wife. And your statement about being shaken to witness this hurt is very telling. It took my SO breaking down in tears because of something really really dumb I posted on a forum to finally drag me out of my selfishness. My wife is as tough as nails, not only has she stuck with me through one of the darkest periods of my life a few years back. Now she is dealing with her discovery of The Beast she has been sharing what she thought was a monogamous relationship. To see her shaking and in tears tore me apart. The Light FINALLY went on.

I'm willing to give her as much time as she needs; my greatest fear though is she just might realise she is strong enough to be on her own.

My SO is a very private person and I'm unsure she will join TTF. Here's hoping....

Thanks again

Hi Metalfossil!
Well I would have to say that it will take some time and noticeable action from you in order for your wife to feel safe from this. Once I had made my decisions about what I would and would not live with in my life, it was up to my H to show me what he was willing to do to put this in the past and keep it there. That took time and understanding on his part. Right from the beginning Mac was willing to do what it took to assure me that he would not go back there again. He took all of the steps that you are now taking, as well as being very attentive and giving. He was willing to do the difficult talking that was necessary, albeit slowly in the beginning. He was willing to care and look after me as he was shaken by the hurt he could see.
Metalfossil, continue to do what you are doing to show your wife love and committment. She will need time to be willing to let herself believe that you are changing. Patience is your biggest tool! Use it abundantly!
All the best!
Jenn
ps. hope she will join us!

[metalfossil]

Hi Jenny,

I totally agree with all you've written. I want to be able to talk about it with my wife. However, at this junction in my recovery, P is like the preverbial elephant in the room, and it is difficult for my SO to talk about IT. I guss, though after 20 years of hiding and lying about this it is probably just too raw and too soon.

Not only do you need to show honesty, you need to show some actions too. Telling her that you want to quit and that you love her is easy, anyone can say that. But showing her actions, making your recovery and your relationship number 1 is a must. I want to see my H reading his books and discussing it with me. I want to see my H go to meetings and therapy. I want my H to ask me to go to marriage counseling, by his choice. I want to see my H on here reading and making friends or accountability partners. I want my h to start talking to me though I know it is hard for him, I want to see him put that effort in. I want my H to learn to be honest even when it is hurting or uncomfortable for him. And I want to see these efforts on consistently, not just when I have "caught him again". I want to see him do all these things not for me(but partly) but because he needs to do it for him. If he does it for him, he benefits, his family benefits. I benefit.

[JenMac]

HI Metal!
YOu say your wife is very strong! I am so glad to hear that! She will need that strength, whether she chooses to stay or go.
You see Metal, I came to realize that no matter which I chose I would have to deal with the fallout from this anyway. Mac and I had been married 33 years. A long time to be able to walk away cleanly, with no heartbreak.
So Metal, I am glad your wife is a strong person because I am too, and it took everything I had just to get through the day in the beginning of this. It is actually a serious trauma to discover that life is not as you know it to be. And to be betrayed by the one you love the most is the most traumatic thing about it. It takes a long time to get over that and to learn to trust again.

This is something that Livida posted to another member today and I thought it was very wise...　
"Details matter. Small actions can go long way in fixing things...but also in destroying the progress that you've made. Take the following example. If you prepare her a nice breakfast and surprise her in bed, she will feel great about you. On the other hand, snap at her rudely - the reasons behind snapping matter to us males, but not to females -, and you will have destroyed a lot of the trust capital you might have accumulated at that point."


Glad you are here Metal! Keep coming back!


Jenn

[metalfossil]

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for sharing; 33 years is a long time. Hopefully you and your SO will come to terms with this for both of your mutual benefits. One day at a time....

Dave

HI Metal!
YOu say your wife is very strong! I am so glad to hear that! She will need that strength, whether she chooses to stay or go.
You see Metal, I came to realize that no matter which I chose I would have to deal with the fallout from this anyway. Mac and I had been married 33 years. A long time to be able to walk away cleanly, with no heartbreak.
So Metal, I am glad your wife is a strong person because I am too, and it took everything I had just to get through the day in the beginning of this. It is actually a serious trauma to discover that life is not as you know it to be. And to be betrayed by the one you love the most is the most traumatic thing about it. It takes a long time to get over that and to learn to trust again.

This is something that Livida posted to another member today and I thought it was very wise...　
"Details matter. Small actions can go long way in fixing things...but also in destroying the progress that you've made. Take the following example. If you prepare her a nice breakfast and surprise her in bed, she will feel great about you. On the other hand, snap at her rudely - the reasons behind snapping matter to us males, but not to females -, and you will have destroyed a lot of the trust capital you might have accumulated at that point."


Glad you are here Metal! Keep coming back!


Jenn