how???

[TooSensitive]

MF, “how” is a good question. The thing is, if you really are sincere about wanting to restore trust, and not just in finding a way around that (which only applies if you are still doing things behind her back), you will figure it out on your own anyway, if you look within your heart.

My h has wanted to restore trust, but he has only wanted to do so on his terms. His terms means that he hides his tracks better and tells me what he thinks I want to hear, which is not the truth. He only wants me to think he is telling me the truth, b/c he does not have the ability to always tell the truth.

The only way to actually restore trust is to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, at all times. With both small things and big things. And act in a trustworthy manner. If you are not doing anything that would require a confession, then you don’t have as much to worry about. Time is a great healer. When your actions and your words consistently align, then your wife will see this, and she will begin to trust you again, eventually. But every lie, even if it is a “small” lie, becomes a big lie, in the wake of SA.

It is also very important to answer every question that is asked, and honestly. Yes, you want to be tactful and considerate of her feelings. But if she asks, then you will need to tell. Comments such as, “Why do you need to know?” or “That happened in the past; why can’t you just let it go?” are as insensitive as can possibly be. These were the responses I received, if my h chose to respond at all. More often, I was given the silent treatment. Or, another outright lie. I was given either outright lies, or lies of withholding. There can be no more lies, period, if you ever hope to restore trust. B/c each new lie brings us back to square one. The trust meter gets reset, like it or not.

That means if you’ve overspent on an on-line purchase, don’t tell your wife “it only cost about $20”, when in reality, with shipping, it costs over $50. That means if you are dieting, don’t lie about sneaking food, when she asks. That means if you accidentally break one of her favorite knick-knacks, tell her right away, instead of sweeping up the mess and throwing it away, hoping she won’t notice. If you always tell the truth, every single time, then you will eventually restore trust. B/c you will be proving that you are trustworthy to your wife, once there are no more lies, including those “little white lies”. No more lies, period, will go a long way.

Every lie counts against you here. Every truth scores points. In the absence of lies, and in the wake of truthfulness, honesty, and in fact, transparency – when you let your wife see into your world – trust can be restored, to a high level. Maybe never to where it was before, but it can be restored to a level that allows you both to function relatively well within your marriage again.

Talk to your wife, about all things. Let her know your struggles, even if you would rather be general about those, if they pertain to a/o. There are ways to let her know what she needs to know, while still being tactful and courteous. Let her know your successes, too – “I am proud of myself, b/c even though there was a potential trigger who crossed my path today, I was not triggered at all.” Talk to her about what’s going on at work, if you are having trouble with a boss or co-worker; or, if everything is going well. Tell her about your successful completion of a project. Tell her whatever is going on.

And do the same thing with everything else, too. Make yourself vulnerable to her. I.e., tell her you’d like to start exercising again, but you haven’t been able to find the motivation. Tell her when it is the anniversary of the passing of a loved one and how you are feeling about that. Tell her how you feel about your children and pets, if you have any. Tell her how you feel about her and about your marriage. Again, not only the problems and the struggles, but also, the successes and the good times. Tell her your dreams, your aspirations, your goals in life, periodically, even if you have already done so before. Tell her about trips you’d like to take with her. Tell her about “you”.

Be willing to meet her needs. Some you will be able to anticipate – others, you will need to ask her about. Include her in every single little decision that needs to be made, if that decision will ultimately affect her, too. Do not go back on your word, ever. If you promise to cut the grass, then cut the grass. If you promise to make a doctor’s appointment, then do just that. If she has written you a letter, don’t put off responding, and do so either in like turn with your own letter, or with the spoken word. Don’t keep procrastinating, about anything. When you follow-up your words with actions, she will feel you are sincere in what you say. Doing the opposite will have the opposite effect.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things as far as using the tools that will help you in your recovery. If you are able to let down your walls and let your wife see who you really are, then that will go a long way with her, too.

I could write so much more, but I think you get the drift from all the replies here already. Books on SA and on self-improvement in general are a great source of information, btw.

Good luck to you, and I wish both your wife and you much healing, as well as the restoration of trust.

[metalfossil]

Thanks TooSensitive,

Reading your post is like watching my life played back to me via a DVD. Much of what you have referred to is spot on. For some reason telling untruths in regards to P unravells into telling untruths about lots of things in one's life; it did in mine anyway.

It has been difficult opening up and discussing my P problem/addiction; however we are slowly but surely evolving that part of our relationship.

Time wounds all heels....I always thought that was very profound when I first heard it, and I think it especially applies to P and telling untruths in a marriage. Hopefully though, Time heals all wounds will apply in my marriage.

Dave

MF, “how” is a good question. The thing is, if you really are sincere about wanting to restore trust, and not just in finding a way around that (which only applies if you are still doing things behind her back), you will figure it out on your own anyway, if you look within your heart.

My h has wanted to restore trust, but he has only wanted to do so on his terms. His terms means that he hides his tracks better and tells me what he thinks I want to hear, which is not the truth. He only wants me to think he is telling me the truth, b/c he does not have the ability to always tell the truth.

The only way to actually restore trust is to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, at all times. With both small things and big things. And act in a trustworthy manner. If you are not doing anything that would require a confession, then you don’t have as much to worry about. Time is a great healer. When your actions and your words consistently align, then your wife will see this, and she will begin to trust you again, eventually. But every lie, even if it is a “small” lie, becomes a big lie, in the wake of SA.

It is also very important to answer every question that is asked, and honestly. Yes, you want to be tactful and considerate of her feelings. But if she asks, then you will need to tell. Comments such as, “Why do you need to know?” or “That happened in the past; why can’t you just let it go?” are as insensitive as can possibly be. These were the responses I received, if my h chose to respond at all. More often, I was given the silent treatment. Or, another outright lie. I was given either outright lies, or lies of withholding. There can be no more lies, period, if you ever hope to restore trust. B/c each new lie brings us back to square one. The trust meter gets reset, like it or not.

That means if you’ve overspent on an on-line purchase, don’t tell your wife “it only cost about $20”, when in reality, with shipping, it costs over $50. That means if you are dieting, don’t lie about sneaking food, when she asks. That means if you accidentally break one of her favorite knick-knacks, tell her right away, instead of sweeping up the mess and throwing it away, hoping she won’t notice. If you always tell the truth, every single time, then you will eventually restore trust. B/c you will be proving that you are trustworthy to your wife, once there are no more lies, including those “little white lies”. No more lies, period, will go a long way.

Every lie counts against you here. Every truth scores points. In the absence of lies, and in the wake of truthfulness, honesty, and in fact, transparency – when you let your wife see into your world – trust can be restored, to a high level. Maybe never to where it was before, but it can be restored to a level that allows you both to function relatively well within your marriage again.

Talk to your wife, about all things. Let her know your struggles, even if you would rather be general about those, if they pertain to a/o. There are ways to let her know what she needs to know, while still being tactful and courteous. Let her know your successes, too – “I am proud of myself, b/c even though there was a potential trigger who crossed my path today, I was not triggered at all.” Talk to her about what’s going on at work, if you are having trouble with a boss or co-worker; or, if everything is going well. Tell her about your successful completion of a project. Tell her whatever is going on.

And do the same thing with everything else, too. Make yourself vulnerable to her. I.e., tell her you’d like to start exercising again, but you haven’t been able to find the motivation. Tell her when it is the anniversary of the passing of a loved one and how you are feeling about that. Tell her how you feel about your children and pets, if you have any. Tell her how you feel about her and about your marriage. Again, not only the problems and the struggles, but also, the successes and the good times. Tell her your dreams, your aspirations, your goals in life, periodically, even if you have already done so before. Tell her about trips you’d like to take with her. Tell her about “you”.

Be willing to meet her needs. Some you will be able to anticipate – others, you will need to ask her about. Include her in every single little decision that needs to be made, if that decision will ultimately affect her, too. Do not go back on your word, ever. If you promise to cut the grass, then cut the grass. If you promise to make a doctor’s appointment, then do just that. If she has written you a letter, don’t put off responding, and do so either in like turn with your own letter, or with the spoken word. Don’t keep procrastinating, about anything. When you follow-up your words with actions, she will feel you are sincere in what you say. Doing the opposite will have the opposite effect.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things as far as using the tools that will help you in your recovery. If you are able to let down your walls and let your wife see who you really are, then that will go a long way with her, too.

I could write so much more, but I think you get the drift from all the replies here already. Books on SA and on self-improvement in general are a great source of information, btw.

Good luck to you, and I wish both your wife and you much healing, as well as the restoration of trust.

[JenMac]

HI Metalfossil!
Well I believe you are on your way to healing all wounds! Yes, as I said, it does take time but when I read what you are writing around these forums, I have to say I am very impressed with your determination to get on the right path here. Your wife will no doubt sense that too. You are doing what is necessary and that is the surest sign that you are committed to true recovery. Those actions and the caring way in which you speak of your wife are very telling Metal! In a good way!
Thank you for the good wishes for mac and I. We appreciate that very much! We too are on a good path. It has not been without some painful times but after 19 months, we have a lot fewer of those times now.
Wishing you and your wife the very best in recovery metal! You are on a good path!

Jenn

[metalfossil]

Thanks for wonderful post and the honour of requesting my friendship. It really made my day.