Something that perplexed me was how my addiction continued through months or even years without using porn. I worked out that I had effectively been using it by playing back pornographic images in my mind while stimulating myself.
Since I joined the site I have not allowed myself to indulge in these images. All sorts of things can lead my mind towards them, not just sexual images or thoughts but all kinds of inadvertent things that lead to a chain of words or images. The addiction was maintained because when a pornographic type image came into my mind, I would lapse into a state of daydreaming where I would imagine that I was able to act out the image or think about looking at porn.
I no longer indulge myself in this way. I suspect that it is not the appearance of the images in the mind that maintains the addiction, but the mental act of giving in to the urge to indulge in them. This is dreadfully weakening to the spirit. So whenever I catch myself sinking into this kind of daydream I simply bring my awareness back into the real, immediate situation, in my body in the place I am in. This is a simple Buddhist technique for awareness in daily life.
The advantage of this technique is that it does not mean judging or repressing thoughts, just bringing the attention back to the immediate present. It has worked for me so far in avoiding mental indulgence, but this weekend I will see whether it can stop me actually using porn when the opportunity is there.
I believe with the help of this site and my mental discipline, I will get through this challence.
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to illumination For This Useful Post:
alf (05-12-2008), Axel (06-20-2008), dave42 (04-12-2008)
Hi Illumination: I like your idea of using the technique of awareness to deal with the problem. This seems sensible to me (although I am, like most people I know, lousy at, as you call it "bringing the attention back to the immediate present." One slight variation or elaboration on your approach: since I'm terrible at paying attention to this moment, I've tried to focus on my breathing. I got this idea about ten years ago. I guess paying attention to my breathing is a little more concrete than "the immediate present" and so my breathing in and out is like "training wheels" for me. Having said that, I'm still pretty lousy at focusing on my breath! Yikes: I guess the upshot is this: if you, like me, feel your mental discipline eroding, I recommend hitting the road, going for a walk, a jog, a drive: anything to get out of "danger." Good luck and let us know how it's going. I'm going to pay attention to my breath right now. A friend suggested setting the timer on the microwave for a short time (2 minutes), sitting in a chair, and just paying attention to my breathing. I haven't done it for years, but I'll try it right now. Good luck!
Right! Hey, I'm back very briefly. A couple of hours ago I did indeed pay attention to my breathing for a whopping 2 minutes, so if I can be "present" that long, I say anyone can!
Meditation.
Meditation is an incredibly powerful, whether you're talking the deep, conciousness altering type (breathing meditation is the easiest, that's basically what you're doing, Dave, research Buddhist meditation and look more into it, it may be helpful to you), or the Zen concept of mindful meditation or mindfulness. Very very powerful stuff if you learn to use it effectively. I highly recommend the book "Buddhism Without Beliefs." I forget the author's name off hand, but it's great, it's what I used to learn how to meditate, and I've had my copy for 7 or 8 years. The philosophies of Buddhism are really powerful tools for controlling your mind.
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Yes, I got the breathing meditation from a book on tape I listened to about 10 years ago. I've read a bit by the Dalai Lama and by Thich Nat Hanh (spelling?!), and I've tried to pay attention to my breathing for short periods of time. I lack discipline in this area, but, hey, what's new?! Thanks Illumination and thanks Valjean! All the best, Dave
Thanks illumination. I'm a new member, and I too stopped P 10 years ago, but M ever since through imagry. A few months ago, I got the urge again and broke down - I am so disgusted with myself. The imagry is so ingrained in my being, for over 30 years - such a big part of who I am that I guess it's frightening to let go and be someone I've never been before. But the thoughts and images have to be replaced with healthier ones on a consistent basis, a muscle I've never exercised before - P took over my life at an early teen age, and here I am at 48 quite disgusted and frightened. Can't continue with P and yet don't know what's on the other side - it was always my relief from what has been a life of significant loss and disappointment (and of course P contributed to that...)
I'm a newbie at a Porn free life and after a few weeks I am beginning to emotionally settle.
At 56 I am very fortunate to have partner standing my me.
I am trying to forgo M as well - I too found I needed the mental imagery to get off.
I know everyone has to figure out this M thing on their own.
Today I still feel a steady sex pressure - I don't like this being controlled feeling so I'll leave M for the meantime to see if this pressure will leave.
Even without M I find myself flashbacking to P images.
I give my head a shake and consciously change the images to those of my wife and I doing nonsexual things that have an intimacy theme - the day we sat on the beach in Tofino Canada and watched the sun set.
Hang in there buddy
I know you're starting to settle emotionally, but be careful...that's when it starts to become easy to have a relapse.
Having sexual desire is nothing to be ashamed of, that's totally natural, and it's not going to go away (unless you castrate yourself, I guess). You just have to learn to control it.
Be very glad that you have someone standing by you, it makes it much easier.
Take care,
Colin
Using these mind control techniques, I have successfully avoided using porn 100% since I started looking at TTF. But I don't feel that I am completely free from the addiction. The images and the conditioned responses are still lurking in there somewhere. Sometimes they pop up in my dreams, sometimes they try to creep into my daydreams. I feel like I have wrapped them all up in a barrier that separates them from my waking mind, and they have slunk away into some dusty corner of my unconscious.
The problem is that, wherever they are lurking, they still have all the power of a lifetime of sexual conditioning associated with them. Something in me still responds to them. I want to be free from them completely.
But nothing is ever eliminated from the memory, and I believe that the deeper it's repressed the more power it has. Suppression may be an effective emergency tactic to break addictive behaviour and to stop reinforcing the conscious patterns of association. But suppression does not suffice to burn out the poison altogether. And since nothing is ever eliminated from memory, the only possible solution is to decondition the response to the memory.
Tibetan buddhist scriptures speak of descending into hell to liberate the beings trapped there. By becoming a relaxed spectator of one's mind - so that what appears in the mind is regarded as just a sensory phenomenon like what appears in the other senses - it should be possible to allow the images to arise and observe the mind's response without getting caught up in it. The images arise, the mind's responses to them may arise, and then they cease again. They pop up like statues in a gallery and I walk past without giving them any particular interest. The power of this neutral stance is enormous.
Until recently I would have felt it too dangerous to allow this material to arise, but now I have reduced the strength of the behavioural conditioning I am starting to believe that it is both possible and necessary for me to move on to this stage. That is, not to seek out any particular images, but if they do arise, to allow them to pass through without getting involved.
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Controlling the mind -
04-11-2008, 05:28 PM
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