Relapsed. Help me out.

[valjean77]

I had a relapse. I don't know what the trigger was. I'd been feeling some withdrawal, but I'd been able to work past it without problems. I've got some stress right now, I'm getting laid off from my job and about to go on unemployment to look for something (it's actually a good thing, I'm getting out of factory work so I can do something with my college degree), and maybe that had something to do with it, but it seems like I lame excuse.
I haven't been on here in awhile, and I apologize for not being more active. It may have helped.
After this bout, I did something I'd hesitated to do before...put filtering software on the computer. I guess I always just wanted to be strong enough to beat it on my own. After the last time, I put a key logger on, I thought that would be deterrent enough. It wasn't.
I've done this to my wife enough times that I don't know if she's going to stick around this time or not, and I don't know what to say. This is the 4th or 5th or 6th round of this, so I almost feel like I've lost the right to say anything. It's hard for me not to just tell her I'll go...she deserves better. But I love her so much it hurts, and I know we have something special, and things would be great if it wasn't for this ****** addiction.
I don't know what I'm really saying or asking or anything. I just feel pretty horrible right now.
If cursing is against the forum rules, I apologize, I won't again. I couldn't find a better way to express what I feel.
Take care,
Colin

[luuvangel]

I'm probably not the tight person to be giving advise, given my situation. But as a suggestion....wheneve you feel drawn to surfing....call your wife instead....as a reminder of what it is she means to you. have her fill your free time instead of the net. Let her be your escape....take a walk together....just lay togther or have some "fun" together....with time I think you'll learn to be drawn to the one you love instead of porn.

[valjean77]

The times I've relapsed are times when she's at work or sleeping, when those options aren't there. The fact that the addiction even exists is extremely hard for her, and it's had a significant impact on our sexual relationship because she can't feel sexually comfortabl around me. I'm really at a loss as to what to do to help heal the gap I've put between us. I wish I'd never done this to her.

[Inshi]

Hello Valjean, Iam sorry about what happened.And what u feel wud be nothing compared to the hurt and betrayal ur wife feels.Anyway talking from the other side, if you know that you get most tempted when your wife is at work or asleep.Why dont u do something to avoid that situation.This is what my Husband and myself have done and seems to be working for us.We have installed parental control software on our home laptop and his work laptop and only I know the password for it.So he cant access anything while Iam not around, also we both go to bed at the same time, so there is no reason for him to be left alone with the laptop while Iam asleep.If he does have anything work related to finish off on the laptop, he ask me to stay with him while he finishes his work, this way he doesnt have the time to relapse or get tempted by looking at something, cos he knows Iam around. Why dont u try that? It might work better in that way.
Goodluck

[FoolishMind]

Hi Valjean,

This is the post you made last time you were online:

Most PA's that have a wife / partner, will completely understand your feeling of continually being caught, and hating yourself, and having the faith that your wife/partner will support you through it and forgive you.

But one day, something will snap, and before you know it, you will be alone.

You clearly have a lot of love for your wife, as does your wife to you. But you really need to be clear that you are trying to control this for yourself. Not for anyone else. the rest will fall into place.

You really need to acknowledge your weak moments, your tirggers your tempting environments. again most PA's will agree the obvious ones are being alone, surfing the internet with no clear objective and stress / anger.

So taking these ones, for each you need to plan your strategy. So let me share my strategy with you.

1. Being alone
Counter: I choose not to be alone. If I am I have the peace of ming of the internet filter.

2. Surfing the internet with no clear objective
Counter: I choose not surf the internet without an objective. I log on to the net to either go on TTF.org, Ebay, E-mail check the price on something etc etc. When finished, i log off!

3. Stress
Counter: Every single human being will experience stress whether your a PA or not. I was so used to easing stress through P & MB. Now, I talk to my wife more, I spend relaxing time listening to music, I play a game, I log onto TTF.org, I watch a hollywood movie.

4. Anger
Counter: Every single human being will experience ups and downs / misunderstanding in a relationship. Thats humans, and its healthy. What is unhealthy is to resolve anger like that of a child, go and sulk in a room, and rebel. A PA who is angry with ones partner will rebel or blame by looking a P. Childish! So if im angry, I let my wife know, and use the same countering process as mentioned in point 3.

However, Whilst i remind myself on a daily basis the hurt and pain i have caused my wife, I dont let myself dwell on that. I then change my thought process to focus on the positives, I am a changed man now Valjean. I am a better person. I am a happier person, with less mood swings, and less arguments. All round, stress is less so i have to use my counters less.

Complacency is very easy to set in. Always be aware of that. anything soft can still tip you over the edge, So again i choose not to.

You have the power to do this. You can make the choices to change your actions. But you need to focus on WHY you want to do it. and then empower yourself with the knowledge HOW to change it. and then you most definatley WILL change.

I wish you the best of strength.

FM

[valjean77]

I thank all of you for your comments and suggestions, and I take them all to heart.
She kicked me out. I don't blame her. I have no defense. Thankfully, she didn't discount the possibility that she might take me back later. I'm not sure how realistic a possibility it is, but I have to hope for it.
I called a local place to set up counseling. I realized I have to truly take accountability for what I've done and stop blaming the addiction as if it's something that exists outside of myself.
I screwed up. Bad. I can't believe I threw away the best thing I've ever known over something that, intellectually, I hate.
It's just time to start over, I guess. Kick this thing for good, prove to my wife that I can, and fight for her. I need to stop hating myself and just accept my mistakes, fix them, and make amends.
Thanks again, guys. I imagine you'll be seeing more of me now.
Colin

[dave42]

Wow, Valjean! I'm so sorry she kicked you out. That's really, really rough. I'm really sorry. I already felt terrible that you had lost your job. Hang in there! Of all the tough stories I've read here, this one is the hardest to read. I'm thinking good thoughts about you. I think the fact that she might take you back is the glimmer of hope. Also, the fact that you are seeking counseling and taking responsibility for the addiction: these are good signs. Wow: you have given me a lot to think about. Good luck -- we are all wishing you the best.

Dave

[seeker]

3. Stress
Counter: Every single human being will experience stress whether your a PA or not. I was so used to easing stress through P & MB. Now, I talk to my wife more, I spend relaxing time listening to music, I play a game, I log onto TTF.org, I watch a hollywood movie.


FM

This is my #1 trigger. Thanks for helping me rethink my pattern when stress becomes a big factor in my life. It's so bad lately that I made myself nauseate and still feel sharp pains in my stomach days later. I'm a mess guys! I need so much help now! Marriage is a wreck, so tough to let go, other factors at play also. What do I do to clear my head?

[HalfPint]

This is my #1 trigger. Thanks for helping me rethink my pattern when stress becomes a big factor in my life. It's so bad lately that I made myself nauseate and still feel sharp pains in my stomach days later. I'm a mess guys! I need so much help now! Marriage is a wreck, so tough to let go, other factors at play also. What do I do to clear my head?

I'm going to have to agree with you. I was doing great and then this previous week came. I have about 2 weeks left of this semester, its the "lightning round" as some at college have referred to it as. This is the week that final projects are due, studying for finals has begun and a crap load of big, hard to do homework has been shoved on us. Its really starting to stress me out and I've come close to slipping up, but haven't. I've been trying as much as I can to try to relieve the stress but its hard right now. No time to do anything so theres no time to try to release stress.

[valjean77]

Just to note, things have improved for me, I started a journal, read there if you like. Or not, whatever. :)
For me, the best stress relief there is is exercise. Running, weights, whatever. I'm also a martial artist, so doing heavy bag work is absolutely fantastic, especially since the system I train in focuses on power and incorporates a lot of boxing. (DO NOT use a heavy bag if you haven't had training, know how to wrap your hands, and have a good pair of gloves!! You'll break your hands and/or wrists! I just have to say that!)
Thinking of it, I've been way off my exercise routine the last few months and haven't been training much. That probably didn't help my situation any.
But exercise, man, it does wonders. Just running for 15 or 20 minutes will give you a pretty good endorphin rush.
Take care,
Colin