The cave

[mell]

There is a cave inside my mind. It is deep and dark. The cave has a locked gate. I carry the only key. Inside the cave is a monster of my own making. It is my secret monster. I feed it with my character defects; my arrogance, my pride, my fears, my resentments, my anger.
The monster usually stands at the gate. It pleads with me to let it out, just for a little while, just to get some air. The cave is cold. Most of the time, I refuse. I know what the monster will do when he gets out.
On good days, I talk to it. I explain that I will have to free it and empty the cave. “But this is my home”, the monster pleads. “You can’t throw me out of my home”. “Where will I stay?”, it asks.
I tell it “You will have to come out into the light; you will have to be seen”.
“You don’t want that, you could get hurt”, it replies.
The monster is right. I may get hurt. It could be very painful to release my secrets. What will others think of me? Will I be accepted? Will I be scorned?
So I bargain with the monster (it always wins, in the end). I tell it that I will just keep the gate locked. I don’t need it anymore.
The monster resigns. It goes back to filing the secrets. “Remember this one?” It asks me. “Remember these good times?” I turn away, ashamed. I think of all the people I have hurt by my actions. I have shattered their trust. I am not worthy of their love. I feel hopeless.
I drown out the monster’s voice with other things. I throw myself into my job. I keep busy (the monster knows when I am idle and it always talks to me then).
In time, I will come back to the gate feeling pity for myself. The monster looks at me. It knows the pain. It will help me, just for a little while, to take the edge off. “Let me help you”, it pleads. I take the key out of my pocket and look at it, contemplating. Just one more time, I think. The monster looks at me, comfortingly.
I open the gate. The monster smiles an evil grin. We have fun. The pain goes away for a brief moment. Before I know it, we are having a blast. I know we are in over our heads, but I am having too much fun to stop. We continue to do whatever it is we want to do. At some point, we will stop, but that is up to the monster. I am along for the ride. Wherever it takes us is where I go.
I cannot control the monster; I don’t want to control it. I want to escape into its world. I want to have fun, I want to enjoy myself.
At some point, the ride ends. I put the monster back into the cave. I have a huge mess to clean up. Shattered feelings, hurt, and betrayal. I go about my business, cleaning up the mess, hating the monster. It sits in the cave, trapped. It teases me. “Why are you cleaning up?” “Leave the mess”.
Shame and rage burn inside me. I want to kill the monster, but I can’t. I will hand the secrets to it. It will go back to work, filing.
The cycle continues. I try to reason with the monster. It says what I want to hear. In time, I will trust it again and open the gate. Until then, it keeps working, growing stronger inside of me and I continue to feed it. Sometimes, I don’t even realize that I am feeding it. The monster always eats, it always gains strength.
I must let the monster out into the light, when others are around. I must show it that we are going to have a new relationship. I must share it with others. The monster is scared of other people. They do not have the weaknesses that I do. They will tell it “NO!”
The monster will have to hand the secrets over. The cave will be emptied. The shelves cleared. The walls destroyed. There will be no place for the monster to hide. It will be free to walk around. It will have to see the light. It will have to share me with others.
In time, the monster will change. Free of the secrets, it will learn to work with positive elements. It will evolve. It will no longer twist things. If it did, others would see it and put a stop to it.
Right now, the monster is in the cave. I have the only key. I cannot control it.

[Rockinastorm]

Your analogy is frightening in the way you describe it so well.
It is high time to bulldoze that cave.
Monster and all.

[betrayed family]

I have read and reread this story. I picture you sitting at the computer in our home... typing this...
I can't imagine what is going on inside of your head and heart as you type...you see... you never show those emotions or struggles on the outside...
I ask that you reread this yourself....
It is full of."I"
.... I have the only key... I feed it....I talk to it... I come back to the gate feeling pity for myself...I cannot control the monster; I don't want to control it... I want to enjoy myself... they do not have the weakness that I do

later in this story , you change the monster to being called an IT
It in not an IT...." IT" is still I


Betrayed family