Terrified of the future

[chexmixa]

Hello all, as u can probably figure out I'm new. I just recently realized I am a PA. It was actually just a couple days ago that i figured it out. Let me give u a little back story.

I've been looking at P since my parents first got the internet. When i was around 12. I kind of stumbled onto it at first and went from there. I never really thought it was a problem, i thought to myself "everyone does it". So i delved deep into the depths of P. Once i got into high-school, i found that i was terrified of encounters with women, but was very much attracted to them which fueled my fire. Because of this i was never able to get close to women. I spent years in seclusion playing video games to just pass the time thinking it is just a faze. Once i finished high school something hit me one day and propelled me forward which allowed me to conquer my fear of women. All the while getting deeper and deeper into PA. I feel like i was slowly desensitizing myself, i felt like i knew what i was doing the whole time, but didn't believe it. Recently it was a friend of mines B-day so i went out with him to have a little fun. While we we're out i met a beautiful woman, and some how i managed to seduce her. While we we're in the act i realized i was impotent. I had never had this problem before, i can always get ready for P. This completely scared me, i hid my problem from her and acted as if it just wasn't the right time for me. (when in reality it wasn't) So here's where i am now.

I have been clean for 3 days, mainly cause I'm scared straight. My female interactions have picked up a lot recently in my life and have several dates planned. (before i even knew about this) So i have some question for the community.

Will be able to solve the impotence?
What do i need to focus on to get past this?
Now that i have been noticing a build up of stress, how do i vent this?

I feel like each day i am becoming stronger, my faith is growing each day. I only hope i haven't completely ruined my life because of my PA.

Plz respond, all comments are welcome negative or positive. I'm here to learn and heal.

[dave42]

Hi, Chexmixa:

I'm running late, otherwise I'd write more, but just a quick note of support -- you came here, so give yourself a ton of credit for that smart move. Hang in there and good luck. I'm glad your faith is growing each day! So is mine! All the best, Dave

[FoolishMind]

Hi Chexmixa, and welcome to the forums.

Reffering to your title of the post "terrified of the future" I can understand that feeling. But Dont be! As Dave42 has rightly said, you really should give yourself a huge pat on the back to acknowledging this as a problem. There are thousands of people out there who do not see this as a problem. They should be terrified of the future.

If you have read a few posts here, or will shortly, you will see it is said again and again, that acknowledgment of the PA is the first huge step. You have already taken that step.

Reading your main body of the post, I personally do not believe impotence is directly linked to abuse of P. I say from experience, My personal journey in my teen to adult life was one of great confidence with women, and generally did not have a problem. I did not live as a recluse, I was always out socialising. But I did have that secret life, and No one knew about it until I got married.

So with reference to your first question,
Will I be able to solve the impotence?

Impotence is 90% of the time linked to your mind, i.e. stress levels, lack of confidence etc. If you keep thinking about it, and not relax, it will always be an issue. If you are with someone for longer than a "one night stand" im sure your confidence will build and you will be more comfortable with the woman and yourself, thus, impotence should not be a problem.

What do i need to focus on to get past this?

Try and understand why you think this started for you. Try and anaylse honestly where you are most tempted, what are your triggers.
e.g. I get most tempted when im at home alone. When im surfing the net purely out of boredom.

Once you understand these, Think of ways that you can counter those environments and triggers.
e.g. I have a Internet filter on my laptop, I avoid being home alone. I dont surf the net unless i have something specifically to do.

Now that i have been noticing a build up of stress, how do i vent this?

Stress is a big trigger. You are so used to turning to P or MB to ease your stress. So its a matter of breaking the habit. PA is a very selfish and lazy addiction. You need to start to focus on what you really want, and focus on what the positive will be. You need to know the benefits of being P free.

So, your stressed..dont go to the computer, Call a friend, say lets go out!, Or play a video game, or listen to some music, go do some exercise.

If you rid P from your life, you will be shocked at how much more time you have in your day. But its no good if you dont fill that time with something constructive. Or through boredom you will fall back in the trap.

I hope that helps a little.

Let me know what you think.
FM

[chexmixa]

thx for everyones responses.

Foolish, i appreciate your wisdom. The more i think about the impotence 2 things come to mind. 1, the girl was a whole lot of women and i felt a lot of pressure to perform, specially being that it was my first sexual experience along with the fact that i barely knew her. (she had to ask what my name was the next day.) Second thing is i feel like i have been desensitized because of my PA. I can't seem to become aroused (Yet ;)) without the aid of porn.

I have been clean for 5 days now and feel good aside from the fact that i am starting to get pretty sick. (i think its from the stress build up) Each day i am becoming a stronger more confident person. Without me finding this site i could only imagine where i would be.

But, i seem to be finding other outlets for my addiction, like drugs and alcohol. I feel like my mind has been setup in a way so that addiction is a big part of my life regardless of what i am addicted to. The hard part is figuring out ways for me to enjoy the things in life without actually abusing them.

[RealShame]

Hi Chexmixa,

Fella, the first right thing you did was recognise what was going on in your life.

The second, to seek help and advice - so many do not and end up in damaged relationships.

Recognising that P is an addiction is one of the first steps to self awareness and getting better. I found out the hard way and nearly lost all that I hold dear - wouldn't want you to have the same experience.

My safety valve was to get back into another unrelated hobby or past-time. I took up my sport again - makes me fitter, keeps me sharp, helps my waistline to get smaller, improves my self-confidence and keeps my clothes bills down! And the unexpected side-effect? I regained my virility and lost my impotency!

Learn to relax: P is a crutch you don't need when things get stressy. Avoid the internet - go out and talk to REAL people, not the ones on the virtual sites or in the "chat rooms" of dubious dating sites. Enjoy life in the real world with real people and accept the internet for what it is - a communications portal and nothing more than that. It cannot replace the one to one dialogue between people, and it cannot replace the experience of meeting new people, making friends and building strong relationships.
Give life a try!

Keep up the good work matey!

[Nordman]

Hi Chexmixa

Congratulations on coming here and finding your way out of an addiction.

Thank you for sharing your story. I really have felt impotent too, on various occasions. FM is right, your failed attempt at love has nothing to do with impotence. It is a matter of confidence. For along time,either I couldn't gt it up, or I would come too quick. I don't know if it's got anything to do wit P, but I certainly have been shy and afraid around women. I don't know if PA can come as response, or if it complicated my ways around women, if either. Growing self esteem is a long process, and fro me it's not so much about accomplishments, as acceptance of myself and a realistic self image. P was a thing that kept crushing my self esteem and calm.

If you put up a good fight and are able to control your PA, that will help you feel better, further away from shame, erect and clean, with nothing to hide. That is a lot better.

DOn't fear the future: It will only get better. For me my twenties was not an easy time, lots of pressure and vain searching. I think you are on a good path, seeing you have come to terms with a difficult addiction. I also think realshame has a good point: If you feel good, you can do good, and relieving tension is important. Sports is good, so is music, preferably singing out loud (for me). I sing in an amateur choir. That is a great outburst of energy every wednesday, and I get to sing aloud in my apartment, too!

Good luck
Nordman