12-Step programs for us

[stillandagain]

Any 12-Steppers out there?

Ironically, I have been an Addiction Chaplain, so I have learned ABOUT Addiction, in my head.
I also did a 30-day in-patient treatment program to rid myself of my eating disorder in 1987, went to indiv and group therapy back then, and often since, but never did the Steps for me.

I am now! I have joined an online S-Anon group (because there are no groups within reach) and, instead of leaving it, have decided to jump in. My S-Anon Workbook is on its way, I am inquiring again about meetings I can get to, within 2 hours, and I feel pretty good about taking another "step" toward decreasing the powerlessness I feel as an SO of a PA.

So, my learning ABOUT Addiction is taking a deeper turn toward the inside of me.

I would love to hear experienced of 12-step program participation/focus. pro's and con's. Application to PA's and SO's of PA's.

Thanks

[TuckerAndrew]

I have been in 12 step recovery with SAA for over a year now and have found it to be a great source of support and growth in understanding my addiction and a very safe place to share and learn from others.

The cons are that it puts a lot of responsibility on the individual to define their sobriety and be honest in their recovery progress. As addicts we are prone to dishonesty and hiding in our shame so a lot of people have problems with 12 step groups because nobody "makes" them do things - it is up to you to take responsibility, surrender to the program, find and use a sponsor, work the steps, pick up the 100 pound phone to make support calls, attend meetings, seek out service positions, and be rigorously honest with your recovery process. IMO 12 step is most effective when coupled with individual therapy that is focused on you and gives you more dedicated work for your particular set of issues.

[Vorlan]

Like a lot of things I think 12 steps are great for some people and don't work for others. I wrote a pretty detailed post about why I personally don't use them in my journal a while ago. Here it is to save me typing it out again! :)

I'm writing down my thoughts on 12 step programmes mainly for my own clarity of thinking. If 12 step programmes help you and you want to use them by all means use them. Think of this as simply the reasons why I personally don't use them.

Below is an example of a generic 12 step program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our problems and behavious— that our lives had
   become unmanageable
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
   them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
    understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
    to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
    Many of us exclaimed, ''What an order! I can't go through with it.'' Do not be discouraged.
    No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these
    principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.
    The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather
    than spiritual perfection.
    Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures
    before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
    (a) That we had a problem and could not manage our own lives.
    (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our problems or behaviors.
    (c) That God could and would if He were sought.

OK lets start from the top:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our problems and behavious— that our lives had
become unmanageable.

This is my first problem and it starts with "We admitted we were powerless over our problems and behaviours" - this to me seems wrong straight away. I've got as far as I have is by maintaining a believe that I can and will beat it. Thats one of the first things I say to new members! "You can beat this!" I think this first thing is a major flaw with the proccess. People need to be built stronger not broken into submission!

Next:

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

My problem with this is twofold, firstly I am basically atheist and the idea of giving my life to any omnipresent power (which would by definition control me anyway) is wrong to me. Also I don't like the dependance that this makes. If a PA was to follow this approach then even if they succeeded in breaking their addiction then the loss of their faith (should it occur) would result in throwing them back to square one. I should know as I think the loss of my origional faith in Paganism basically meant the gains that faith had helped me make could no longer be maintained as I relied on that faith to beat the addiction for me. I put too much of my faith in an outside entity which meant when this faith in the entity was removed everything I had gained came crashing down.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

These two steps I have no problem with, they are genuinely good advice.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

This I don't like, again it is relying on God to fix things for you, it makes you dependant on faith so that you can't fight your addiction yourself. It's more "you are weak, God is strong" stuff and it does nothing for me.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

These three steps I also have no problem with

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, ''What an order! I can't go through with it.'' Do not be discouraged.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these
principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.
The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather
than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures
before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we had a problem and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our problems or behaviors.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

This the real crux of the matter. The reward of the twelve step program ultimately isn't freedome from PA it is a "spiritual awakening". Presumably the plan is to substitute the addiction with absolute devotion to Christianity. This as you may have already gathered is not how I think people should deal with PA. Using religion and faith in a higher power can help you to recover but it should never be the basis of your recovery. If you don't succeed using your own strength then you don't succed! You instead have a choice; return to square one or spend the rest of your life dependant on religion to fight your battles for you.


I understand that many people will not agree with a lot of my arguments. I have nothing against Christians as people nor against Christianity in general. As I mentioned before I am atheist but I have been Protestant, Catholic and Pagan at different times in my life. This isn't intended to be offensive to anyone so please accept my apologies if this offends you in any way. I will reiterate what I said at the start: if the programmes help you and you want to use them by all means do, this is just why I don't.

But yeah, that's my argument from the other side of the camp! :)

Best wishes,

Ben

[JenMac]

Any 12-Steppers out there?

Ironically, I have been an Addiction Chaplain, so I have learned ABOUT Addiction, in my head.
I also did a 30-day in-patient treatment program to rid myself of my eating disorder in 1987, went to indiv and group therapy back then, and often since, but never did the Steps for me.

I am now! I have joined an online S-Anon group (because there are no groups within reach) and, instead of leaving it, have decided to jump in. My S-Anon Workbook is on its way, I am inquiring again about meetings I can get to, within 2 hours, and I feel pretty good about taking another "step" toward decreasing the powerlessness I feel as an SO of a PA.

So, my learning ABOUT Addiction is taking a deeper turn toward the inside of me.

I would love to hear experienced of 12-step program participation/focus. pro's and con's. Application to PA's and SO's of PA's.

Thanks

Hey Stillandagain!
I have been a member of Alanon for almost 7 years, along with my H. I have found it to be a true blessing in my life!
The wisdom it has given to me in the way to live my life has been so wonderful. I have learned to let go of others in a loving and caring way. I have also learned to foster my own growth and healing by looking after myself. (I must tell you though that I have not attended much since this has happened in my life, probably due to the fact that we both belong and I felt less inclined due to feeling unable to share this struggle.)
There is so much to learn from others in our day to day struggles. By connecting with people who are on the same path, we can learn from their experiences and they ours.
I find TTF to be very similar to my experiences in Alanon. I have to say that my time in Alanon helped to set me up to be stronger and more able to get through this trauma in my life as well as the previous one. By connecting here at TTF, I have been able to find the road to healing for both myself and my relationship! I must say both have been immeasurable in terms of support and healing! I feel so very fortunate!
I hope to choose to go back to Alanon now that I am feeling more able. Time will tell! But I will be forever grateful for all I have learned within those rooms!
Jenn

[chasman62]

Ben:

Couldn't have put it any better myself. Are there no secular alternatives to AA/SAA in the UK? There is at least one organization here but there are no groups in my area and it is almost exclusively focused on alcohol or other substance abuse.

I think it is a little silly for people to argue that the 'higher power' in classic AA is not only god but pretty universally the christian god. Since I dont have any belief in such an entity it would be disingenuous at best and totally hypocritical at worst for me to try to 'work' such a program, but if it works for you then absolutely go for it.

Chas

[cvanden]

I recently joined S-Anon. I'm three meetings in and so glad I went. Here is a copy of the entry I made on my blog after my first meeting:

At first there were only four of us in the room. I was early as is my habit. A habit that proves annoying to some people. I'd rather be an hour early than five minutes late. People trickled in. I smiled at and made comments on some of the pre meeting chit chat, but mostly sat quietly not wanting to meet anyone's eyes, not wanting to invite any additional conversation. This is not like me, while somewhat quiet and shy at first, I am not anti-social and not overly awkward....normally. I wished I could be invisible, could become one with the couch I was sitting in. I focused on the walls, the note on the side of the church piano to be sure to return it to that room. Some colorful pictures on notebook paper were tacked to the wall. Was this normally where the youth of the church hang out? The urge to run from the room was strong. What has my life become that I was sitting in a church an hour from home with women I didn't know?

A welcome, the serenity prayer, guidelines, the meeting gets underway.

"I'm (insert name)" proceeded every glimpse into another woman's life. A glance at her face, her eyes, reflected her pain. Hands sometimes tightly clenched in laps or moving expressively, sometimes tears would fall and the tissues would be passed quietly while the rest of us listened, just listened. We nod, sometimes murmuring small noises of validation. Sometimes the group laughed. There is a dark humor to all of this. We must laugh to balance the tears. We must find a reason to smile. Yes, there is pain in this room. But within the pain there is also bravery, healing, release and joy. Validation. You are NOT ALONE. A one year chip is handed out, the recipient blushes, can't believe it has only been a year. She has come so far but says she has further to go. To be honest, this revelation scares me. Some have been in the program many years. One is back because of her spouse's relapse (three years of sobriety blown). Some are separated from their spouses or contemplating it, others are walking the recovery path with their spouses, finding new intimacy and renewed happiness.

The road appears hard no matter where the woman stands on it.

Everyone in this room shares the same name. They may spell it differently, pronounce it differently but it is the same name. It resonates. I recognize them.

I'm glad I went and I'll be back.

[JenMac]

I recently joined S-Anon. I'm three meetings in and so glad I went. Here is a copy of the entry I made on my blog after my first meeting:

At first there were only four of us in the room. I was early as is my habit. A habit that proves annoying to some people. I'd rather be an hour early than five minutes late. People trickled in. I smiled at and made comments on some of the pre meeting chit chat, but mostly sat quietly not wanting to meet anyone's eyes, not wanting to invite any additional conversation. This is not like me, while somewhat quiet and shy at first, I am not anti-social and not overly awkward....normally. I wished I could be invisible, could become one with the couch I was sitting in. I focused on the walls, the note on the side of the church piano to be sure to return it to that room. Some colorful pictures on notebook paper were tacked to the wall. Was this normally where the youth of the church hang out? The urge to run from the room was strong. What has my life become that I was sitting in a church an hour from home with women I didn't know?

A welcome, the serenity prayer, guidelines, the meeting gets underway.

"I'm (insert name)" proceeded every glimpse into another woman's life. A glance at her face, her eyes, reflected her pain. Hands sometimes tightly clenched in laps or moving expressively, sometimes tears would fall and the tissues would be passed quietly while the rest of us listened, just listened. We nod, sometimes murmuring small noises of validation. Sometimes the group laughed. There is a dark humor to all of this. We must laugh to balance the tears. We must find a reason to smile. Yes, there is pain in this room. But within the pain there is also bravery, healing, release and joy. Validation. You are NOT ALONE. A one year chip is handed out, the recipient blushes, can't believe it has only been a year. She has come so far but says she has further to go. To be honest, this revelation scares me. Some have been in the program many years. One is back because of her spouse's relapse (three years of sobriety blown). Some are separated from their spouses or contemplating it, others are walking the recovery path with their spouses, finding new intimacy and renewed happiness.

The road appears hard no matter where the woman stands on it.

Everyone in this room shares the same name. They may spell it differently, pronounce it differently but it is the same name. It resonates. I recognize them.

I'm glad I went and I'll be back.

Thank you for sharing this Cvanden!
I have often wondered what an S anon meeting would be like. I envisioned it to be like my Alanon group and as you described it, it seems it is.
Yes there is certainly a bonding of the people in the room and while there is pain, there is also joy and laughter. Life goes on, despite our troubles. It is a good lesson to learn!

Jenn