Quitting, for real this time

[Andy Detgy]

Hello friends.
I´m new here but I´ve been reading on different forums for two years, since I decided to quit porn. I have to warn you that my english is not perfect, since it´s not my native language;)

I guess I have the same history as hundreds of you people. Began reading porn mags with my friends at age 12-13, then started buying videos a couple of months later. Had a tv on my room and used to stay up at night watching porn on cable. My parents knew nothing. At the same time my fantasies about girls started drifting away from romantic to sexual encounters. When I was 15-16 the Internet explosion happened and we all know what that meant. First we just had the dialup and my parents monitored my use since it was expensive. Still managed to download hundreds of pictures that I kept on floppy discs. And there we go, broadband, P2P, Torrents, streaming etc etc. At the age of 18 I met a girl and lost my virginity. For a while I think my porn problem was better, but soon I stayed up at night watching porn again, even though I had a sweet girl waiting in our bedroom. She never found out (I think) but our relationship ended a couple of years later because I stopped noticing her, stopped being grateful, became jealous, needy and just wasnt the same guy anymore. I was single for about two years and had a lot of short relationships and one nighters. Then I met the love of my life and I´ve been with her ever since. The porn has been with me all these years also. I´ve managed to keep it a secret even though she almost busted me a couple of times. My girlfriend hates porn.

Two years ago I stopped drinking and smoking and decided to quit porn aswell. First two were no problem at all actually, but the third was a big NO. I managed to keep up for 26 days at one time, and around 15-20 days at other times. Often I relapse within a week. You know the drill with this wheel of heaven and hell.

Enough for now, this time I have the tools for success, I can feel it in my soul. I have downloaded a lot of books and research papers into my ipad and the more I read about porn addiction, the more determined I become to put this stupid, strange, warped, misogynous, rascist crap behind me.
It´s exactly 100 days between my girlfriends birthday (last week) and my own 30th birtday this summe, and my first milestone is to be clean for this period. If I fix this, I´m sure I can beat this addiction forever. Today I´m 9 days totally clean. Had some thoughts about relapse today but took a run in the woods instead. Then I sat down and wrote this.
Wish me luck. I´ll try to post here as often as I can, and tell you about my progress.
Thanks!
Andy

[Phil413]

Hi Andy,

First of all, welcome! Second, your English is just about perfect. If you hadn't told me it wasn't your native language, I never would have known.

I'm really glad you've joined us here, and I wish you every success in ridding your life of this awful addiction!

Phil

[Andy Detgy]

Been clean for ten days now. Had some strange form of insomnia last night, millions of thoughts running around in my head. Sometimes I could feel a presence, a silent voice, calling for me to relapse. It was trying to get me to feel that my problems are not really problems, only in my imagination. And if it is a problem, its not a big problem. At lesst not compared to everyone else. I managed to snap out of it anyway, and do som introspective and consrtuctive thinking. I hate this addiction and the way it corrupts your thinking.

[Andy Detgy]

Yes, Im 14 days totally sober. Its only the fifth time in my adult life I reach this length of sobriety.
Now Ill be home alone for two days and I guess things can get harder...but Im determined to make it through these days. I work the following five days and then me and my girl are having a short vacation. These two days are crucial for me, if I make it I will break my sobertime all time record. Wish me luck.

I already feel so much better about everything in my life. My mind feels clearer and Im more positive towards life in general. Im a writer and this stupid addiction ended up almost destroying all of my creativity. Now I feel it returning, Ive written a lot lately. Feels fantastic since I feared I had lost it...

[exteberria]

Hey Andy, I can really relate to your story. The p cycle is soo destructive and depressing, but it looks like your taking the right steps in order to get yourself back on track!!

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Andy!
I am glad you are here fighting for your recovery from this addiction! I know you will find it is worth the fight!
Sounds like you have taken some great first steps!
Have you installed a filter Andy? As many find that is so very helpful to them especially during the initial stages of their recovery.
Also, if your gf is aware of your addiction, perhaps she would find this site helpful to her as well? There are many supportive SOs here who would jump in to offer support and encouragement to her.
Wishing you all the best Andy as you move forward in your recovery!
Jenn

[Andy Detgy]

In three hours my girlfriend comes home from work. I´ve been home alone all day and I´m doing all good. Had some small, small thoughts about porn before I ate breakfast, but I got through it. Then I practiced the guitar for a couple of hours, read some chapters in a good book aswell as an collection of happy stories from people that have quit porn. Truly inspirational stuff. Soon I´ve been sober for 15 days!

[Andy Detgy]

Ok, so this is day 16. Just got some cravings. The voice inside was telling me things like "Now you´ve been good for 15 days, dont you think you deserve a little snack?" or "Cmon, its not a big deal, everybody does it, most people probably do it more often than you ever did" or how about this one: "It cant be healthy to not masturbate for months, think about your health Andy!".

Anyway, I picked up the guitar once again (that really seems to help me get to another mindstate) and logged in to TTF to post this.
I am. Not. Giving. Up. This. Time.

[edjames71]

Andy,

I can totally relate to the voice in your head. I get that from time to time too. The beginning is the hardest part of recovery. I was still living with my SO until recently and the stress of that (as my SO puts it assume we are over) really wanted me to act out. I still deal with the stress of that but the farther into recovery I go the easier it is for me.

Hang in there....You can do it.

Ed

[Andy Detgy]

Day 19 was hard. Almost convinced myself to relapse this morning, just to relieve the tension and my bad mood....but I made it!!! I took action against my addiction and faced the storm....Im proud and feel fantastic tonight!