Questions about what to do

[Beanhead]

While stillandagain (my wife for those who don't know us yet) and I were visiting her family this weekend, something happened that I would like some feedback on.

Saturday night, her daughter and son-in-law suggested we all watch a movie. They recommended "Watchmen." So, we all settled in our couches and started to watch the movie.

We were unprepared for the fact that the movie has several scenes that are very provocative. There is nudity (both male and female) and a couple of scenes of s*x.

When the first scene flashed across the TV screen, I looked away, specifically at stillandagain. She looked at me and sort of whispered, "is this P? Is this a problem for you?"

I thought she was joking and answered semi-sarcastically that it wasn't. However, when she said she was serious, I answered that it wasn't. Those of you who are PAs know that we don't necessarily get triggered when there is a family group around.

HOWEVER, as a couple more scenes flashed on the TV, I started to get even more uncomfortable. I kept looking away until I heard the music change, signifying the next scene.

After the movie ended and we went to bed, we were left with a variety of feelings and thoughts. For me, I was uncomfortable with what we had just seen but I was confused as to what I should do about it. Her family don't know about my addiction and the steps we are taking in order to have recovery, thus they did not know how much this bothered me (and the danger of triggering me that this posed).

I was even angry that I had allowed myself to get into that situation, not knowing what type of movie we were watching. Although I wasn't triggered, I know that I don't want to open the door of opportunity for such a thing to happen.

Thus, my question to you all: how do you handle situations like this? Do you tell your family about your battle against P or do you keep it between you and your SO? How do you handle it when, unplanned and unexpected, something that is provacative is portrayed around you?

I'm very interested in your feedback.

[vintageturtle]

We haven't told anyone in either family about H's addiction. But we've never been comfortable with movies with excessive language, skin, etc. We generally avoid R-rated movies, and it has come up now and then. Since I didn't know about H's problem for so long, and we were uncomfortable with these scenes regardless of any addiction, it never felt too awkward to decline. We just treated it like you would any other reason for not wanting to see a movie. Everyone doesn't have to like and want to see every single movie, right?

Of course, it's tricky in a situation like what you describe, when you're relying on someone else's opinion of the movie to make a decision, and they're fine with stuff you consider P or triggering. In that kind of a situation, if we're not sure that the movie is OK, we just say we're not interested in watching it. There is usually another option.

H and I started dating in high school. After we had been dating for a little while, he came over to my place to watch a movie. I had no problem with R-rated stuff at that point, but he had already decided he didn't want to watch it. I chose "Rocky Horror Picture Show" as the movie for us to watch. At one point, H said he wasn't comfortable watching the movie and he would rather we didn't finish it. It must have been very awkward for him to say that, but it didn't really bother me, and we just hung out and ate snacks instead. I don't recall being upset or offended that he didn't want to finish watching the movie, and it allowed him to define his boundaries on this issue early on.

[stillandagain]

Still and again here, Beanhead's wife.

The moment the other night was a confusing one for me.
It caught me by surprise.
and my feeling was: confused.

The movie wasn't overly s*xual. Mostly graphic violence (not my favorite)
Costumes of female superheroes pretty scant.


it was very late, I dozed off and on, my mother was asleep in a chair next to me, daughter asleep on couch across the room.

beanhead and I talked about it after the movie, and then in the car.
we made a plan for another time: take movie options with us, read the movie boxcover for ratings related to s*x.

but, in the MOMENT I was "confused"
should Beanhead have even been there?
realizing that he was there, should he have simply left the room?

my first real question: WAS IT A TRIGGER???

my next real question: DOES HIS "COUNT" GO BACK TO ZERO???
(he certainly "viewed" what we are learning IS P)

see how confused I am!
we decided: no, he didn't view P. He looked away (which he did!).

It felt like a victory to even ask the question!

[Jon Doe 109]

My 2 cents...I don't think that should be a problem, you're an adult and that's a social environment, it was shared in the open w family, not in a dark room by yourself at the computer - it's like in AA when you go to thanksgiving and everyone gets hammered - it's a situation that arises in life and you have to deal w it like an adult - if it triggers a relapse and you hit the computer and MB to some P then it has got the best of you.

[maggie]

Interesting topic!!

Hate how this p thing has to disrupt even regular..every day things, like a movie.

This uncomfortable situation has been happening in my home too. In the past someone would rent a movie, and if the movie was interesting or entertaining enough, an R rating wouldn't be an issue for us.

Since the P problem, things are always strained. Do I fast forward thru the scene ?
Do I expect him to leave the room ? Do I talk thru the risky scene hoping to disrupt any possibility of a pa mindset from settling in ?

I've done all of the above. I don't know what works or what doesn't work because a very big part of pa is not telling the truth.

He says, " you don't have to ff thru those scenes, they are not triggers for me "
He says, " you fast forward or tell me to look away just to embarrass me "

Sometimes I do nothing. Then, later I wonder if the brief scene remained in his mind.

Sometimes, I think this is reality now. There will always be movies, jokes and encounters that I will not be able to block from his view. He travels alot in his career and is free to do what he chooses. What if I shut off the movie and making it a forbidden fruit, what if he interprets my behavior as being his mother or his warden and like a teenager what if this just makes anything off limits more enticing.

Please note that he has been in recovery for one year +.

Maggie

[chasman62]

I totally agree with JD109. I think you are in real danger here of losing a sense of what behaviors you are trying to/expecting to get modified.

I for one have no intention of living my life in some sort of hermetically sealed bubble insulated from any possible exposure to sexual material of any kind no matter the context, and I don't think anyone else should expect that either.

If you are seriously dealing with your issues then these types of chance encounters are not problematic at all. You always have the choice to act out if you want to, and if you cant deal with casual exposure to 'triggering' material then you dont really have much of a recovery plan do you.

[iwilldothis]

I am with JD and Chas on this one. (But then again, you know your situation better than anyone)

I don't really find the types of movies (or movies generally) triggering in any serious way. No more than seeing an attractive person would be anyway. The nature of P and watching P is completely different.

Obviously if you hired movies with the particular intention of getting a sexual high from them (sometimes you could not even be fully aware of your own intentions), then that is pretty much the same as P or is at least triggering. On the other hand, seeing a sexual scene as part of a movie you would have watched anyway is just part of life.

[UpLifted]

This situation has come up for my wife and I also. If we know the movie before hand we will check in on ScreenIt.com and see what kind of sexual scenes will come up. If it sounds overly sexual or has a lot of sexual scenes I just won't watch it. Not worth it to me to put myself in that situation. When my wife and I want to watch a movie we check it and if it looks to sexual then we will skip. If it happens to be a television show and something sexual comes on then we will simply fast forward the scene. I personally believe that movies or shows with a lot of sexual material aren't the best thing to watch. There is no room for any of that in my life. Hope that helps.

--UpLifted

[Phil413]

If you're watching movies at home and you don't want to have to worry about potentially triggering content, you might consider getting a ClearPlay DVD player. With that player you can download from the ClearPlay website a filter that is specific to the movie you want to see. Then, when you watch the movie, the ClearPlay player knows where all the bad stuff is, and it skips those scenes (or parts of them) seamlessly. Sometimes it's so smooth, you can't even notice that a scene has been skipped.

You can also set it to automatically mute the sound when profanity occurs, and it can filter or skip other things as well. We use it at our house, and it's enabled us to enjoy some movies we otherwise wouldn't have watched at all.

Phil

[Beanhead]

Thank you all for your comments and feedback.

@Uplifted: thanks for mentioning ScreenIt.com. I hadn't heard of that website and I think we'll find it very useful, no only for me but for my kids as well.

@Phil: I didn't know such a thing was possible. Although I don't know if/when we could purchase something like that, it sounds like a great idea.