Questions about what to do

[RobP413]

The truth is that the best thing to do here probably depends on the person.

I would say that for many people, not just a recovering PA, it is dangerous material to view.

I would also say that this material in the circumstance, watching it with family/extended family in a social situation, may not be dangerous. It MAY or MAY NOT trigger P neurological pathways. It may be totally different but it may lead to a relapse. Whether it does or not may depend on the person.

I would say that this is something folks will have to learn about themselves, and it is likely to change and evolve over time. I would also recommend that every recovering PA make an effort to note if a movie is rated for "nudity" or "intense s*xual situations", etc. It is prudent to avoid these for all of us, and probably all people in general.

I do not necessarily think that a PA needs to go tell his/her entire family, etc. about the recovery from PA as a justification for avoiding this material. I think that porn, nudity, and intensely s*xual movies can be dangerous to some degree for all people. For this reason, I believe it is reasonable to suggest an alternative movie, or remove yourself from the situation at appropriate times, to avoid this material, even if you are not a PA. I think that is a perfectly normal thing for ANYONE to do if they want to, just based on principle and not necessarily because they are recovering from something. Therefore, I find it unnecessary to feel obligated to tell your family for that reason alone.

A guide for situations like this: Imagine your life of integrity in the future. How you want your character to be defined and what you want it to be founded on. Go back to that core set of ideal, goal values, that you envision for yourself, and in that mindset, ask yourself these tough questions. Make decisions on what to do based on that core character and integrity. Be honest with yourself and make a good decision. :)

Great question, bean. And awesome replies from Phil and UpLifted as well...
Rob

[JenMac]

Interesting conversation!
I think for Mac and I, we have found that there are many triggering things on TV and such for both of us. It may not necessarily lead to a relapse with P, but it takes us to places we don't care to go. It causes us to think about more difficult times in our recovery and it makes us question several things about Mac's fall into Internet P.
As Mac had sworn off P, ie. movies, magazines etc, ten years prior to this latest issue, we have discussed what may have led him back to this problem behaviour. One thing we believe is that he didn't learn everything he needed to learn and was just stopping this because I didn't like it. The other thing we have considered is that he was still at times seeking the charge but just in a more 'acceptable' way ie. through what he could find on TV etc.that he found stimulating. So we believe he was still feeding this within himself over that time.
So I do believe it is dangerous territory as I believe there is plenty out there that can foster slippery thinking if you tend to indulge in these things too much!
Now that said, we certainly can't avoid every single trigger that is out there but I would say that by striving to maintain that clean mind, you are setting yourself on a path that is more likely to keep you strong in your recovery.
Something to also consider here guys, is not only how this may affect your mindset but how it also affects your wife. We have chosen to be mindful of what we deliberately expose ourselves to, not only for Mac's wellbeing, but for mine as well. I don't want to be triggered by this material either. And right now that may be as big an issue.
I think it is important for each couple to discuss this and to plan together based on what each is comfortable with. That way it keeps the lines of communication open and makes each feel like they have a voice. If we are striving to rebuild that connection, that is so very important.
All the best!
Jenn

[Hopeful]

Yes Jenn,

I don't want to be triggered by this material either. And right now that may be as big an issue.

I know for me when something comes on tv that is inappropriate, even if it is a commercial, I instantly feel my guard go up and I am uncomfortable. I still feel the need to see if he looks away.

Beanhead, we have not told anyone about this either.
When we have been put in these situations we have learned to just say...naw, we really don't want to watch this....how about we play a game or cards. We also check every movie out before we watch it because that's just the way it is now. I am interested in finding out more about ClearPlay...thanks Phil.

Stillandagain, I wouldn't consider that his count goes back to zero because of this. It's just one of those unexpected moments that happen and you learn from them. Talking about them as they pop up is the best way to get it out in the open and know what each other is thinking. It almost becomes funny at times because you will get startled by something and you think you have a "plan" in place for everything and then..bam..a new situation arises that you could never have imagined. Bringing your own movie is also a great idea.

[BelieveInHope]

This is a good discussion.
The clearplay idea is great. We have looked into it, but it is too expensive for us right now. Screenit, if you scroll all the way down the main page, will allow you to go to the free reviews without paying. Almost all reviews are free, sometimes you can't get access to the ones that have just hit theaters if you don't subscribe.

I wanted to go into a bit more detail about what Uplifted and I do. We tivo everything and do not watch live shows. We do not watch commercials. Also, he has the remote. This is his recovery. I did not want to feel like his babysiter or his mother. It's his job to fast forward innapropriate material. Which he does. Also, some things may no longer be triggering to him as he progresses in his recovery, but he knows that they still bother me. Therefore, when he ff things, he is being true to his recovery AND showing respect and consideration for me, his SO.

When we have been in family situations like StillandAgain and Beanhead, it gets more difficult. H's father will watch anything and the more s3x, the better. He is a PA in denial himself. We have not told H's family and never will. Usually they will talk earlier in the day about possible movies to rent. One of us will check them out on screenit and then voice our opinion on which ones we are willing to watch. If we are questioned, we will usually just say we are trying to watch positive, uplifted things and not fill our head with garbage, or something similiar.

If we still found ourselves in a situation watching a triggering movie, I think Beanhead did exactly what would make me feel most comfortable--he looked into his SOs eyes so she would know he was not looking. Uplifted has also looked away and I have tapped his knee when the scene is over. Sometimes leaving or refusing to watch the movie will cause problems with stubborn, difficult family members, like ours. :-)

I think you guys did a good job. The most important thing is to look away and also to keep the lines of communication open between you.