To Pa's and So's - About a 'consequence' contract? Help?

[rosie]

Hi everyone.

I am working on a recovery nation 'healing contract'. Basically, i'm up to the part about setting boundaries and consequences for addict behaviour.

Here is what it says:

II. Next, put aside your list and allow yourself to think about the following questions in relation to your partner:
What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
In general, we are talking about behaviors related to past destructive patterns, though you do not have to limit yourself to this. Document the behaviors you have come up with.

III. With the above steps completed, your final task is to determine an appropriate response that you will take for each behavior--should it be observed. Be careful here. Ideally, you will be completing this task with an objective eye and with your values guiding your thoughts. The worst possible contract is one that is based on overwhelmed emotions where all consequences are extreme and all behaviors rigid. Think rationally. Think objectively. For example, if your consequence for catching him in a lie about leaving the toilet seat up is to immediately end the relationship, the contract will not be effective in bringing about healthy change. Likewise, if your contract for managing snooping behavior from your partner is to establish password-protected directories and secret accounts, the contract will not be effective in bringing about healthy change.

No one is perfect. And those in recovery and those in healing--simply by the nature of one's immaturity and the other's trauma--will be far from it. So try to structure your consequences to be both fair and firm, but realistic. Progressive consequences work best, but only for mild violations. Extreme and immediate consequences work best for extreme violations. It is a very good idea to review your contract with an objective person whose input you value.

I tend to be a bit extreme (lol) in my consequence thinking, so I am asking for help. What behaviours are fitting to what consequences?

The truth is that I would LIKE to leave if he used porn again but I am not in a position to do so at the moment so I dont want to set a consequence I cannot follow through on.

These are the things he has done which I want to address:

1. Makes promises he doesn't follow through on (eg: Yes I will call counsellor today - but doesn't do it or will do it 2 days late after I nag him).

2. Mb's and lies about it.

3. DL's porn and lies about it.

4. Strip clubs :(

5. General lack of enthusiasm about recovery and posting in journals or asking for support.

6. Tardiness/not great effort at his job - usually when he is becoming unable to self soothe and is spiralling towards p use again.

He seems quite serious about quitting "this time", but I need to cover all bases.

So what are some appropriate consequences that as PA's, you think would work? The only ones I can think of is "make him leave". I dont have any balance :(

[rosie]

\m/ bumping this.. I have 2 days to finish. I am sort of looking for what people would think are good relationship/or otherwise consequences for a/o addictive behaviour.

[RichBlack]

Hmmm. I'm not really sure, Rosie, but I will try my best. 1. I think it needs to be tough, but not too tough. He needs to stop lieing intentionally for sure. But how will you differentiate between lying and forgetting? Just a thought. 2. How much of a priority is this for you? I am not trying to get him off of the hook at all. But I think this is a lower one, correct me if I am wrong. This is something that needs to stop, but it is not as bad as strip clubs, am I right? Does porn: hmmm, this is something you want him to stop. So, the punishment needs to fit the crime. Will you differentiate between slips and relapses? Maybe you should. If he has been making progress and slips maybe it should be a lighter punishment then if he relapses.?.? Strip clubs: absolute no, no. Kicked out of the house, or you leave for a few days. Something like that. 6. What the? That one kind of has consequences anyway right? Like getting fired??? Oh yeah, and 5. Hmmm. Don't really know. Hope I helped

Rich

[betrayed family]

Hi Rosie,
I read your post a couple of days ago and haven't been able to stop thinking about it.....
I think that everyone who is honestly addressing this addiction .... as a couple... should have a contract like the one you are describing..... WE DO NOT.... BUT I plan to change that.
I really wish I had some input into your contract.... I don't ... WHY??...because even of all of the differences... each addict has there own "ROUTINE".... their own "ADDICTIVE PULL"... their own "PORN".... weather it is 1900phone calls, chat rooms, P on line, adult book stores, strip clubs, message parlors, on line hook ups.... the list seems NEVER ENDING... and then pair this NEVER ending LIST with our SO's concerns/ fears/ expectations/ personal morals and boundaries .....
It IS SOOO PERSONAL and ADDICT-SO specific... it needs to be to have MEANING.
EXAMPLE.... in my contract that I have started working on.... TO MY KNOWLEDGE...Mell has never been to a message parlor... therefor although it will be mentioned...and a consequence discussed .... IT WILL NOT BE ONE OF MY FIRST CONCERNS, therefor not first addressed and ...... does any of this make sense... or am I typing in circles the way my brain feels like it is running in circles.????

ANYWAY.... just wanted to let you know... I think this is a GREAT idea... just don't know how to help.
I WANT to make the contract up WITH MELL.... write down my fears... draw the proverbial "LINE IN THE SAND" and then discuss these issues with him.... and TOGETHER decide on a CONSEQUENCE.....
I don't know how this will go ..... talking not easy... but for me if Mell is involved with the creation of the CONTRACT
1. He can't say he didn't KNOW!!!
2. The "LINE" and "EXPECTATIONS" will be JOINTLY...CLEARLY...LAID OUT... so ... if he feels that I am being "a b*&ch.... too harsh... unreasonable"... all of this can be addressed at the START....
3. This joint CONTRACT may also be an avenue to address things..... that the other may not know...

I wish you LUCK.... HUGS for strength!!
Betrayedfamily

[vintageturtle]

No one is perfect. And those in recovery and those in healing--simply by the nature of one's immaturity and the other's trauma--will be far from it.

Once again, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I've been beating myself up -- and H, to an extent -- over not reacting perfectly to H's news. Intentionally hurting him or wallowing when I know I can do better is one thing... trying but falling short because it is difficult is another.

I'm sorry, I don't have any help with your consequences contract, and I think I'm coming in past your deadline, anyway. Something like this has never occurred to me before. They give a few examples of consequences that are too extreme; do they give any examples of reasonable ones?

[Beanhead]

I'm sure you've already written your contract, but here's a thought...

What about including a section where positive behavior or accomplishments are rewarded?

It seems that all you include in the contract is negative behavior and it's resulting consequences. How about a section where, for example, he doesn't lie for a week or (fill in the blank), you guys get to go out without the kids and enjoy a really nice night out together.

In my humble opinion, this would help change the contract into something more than "I caught you - and now I'm going to punish you" into something you are actually working on together.

Just a thought.

[Zachary]

What about including a section where positive behavior or accomplishments are rewarded?

It seems that all you include in the contract is negative behavior and it's resulting consequences. How about a section where, for example, he doesn't lie for a week or (fill in the blank), you guys get to go out without the kids and enjoy a really nice night out together.

In my humble opinion, this would help change the contract into something more than "I caught you - and now I'm going to punish you" into something you are actually working on together.

You don't get rewards for doing what you're supposed to do. We caused this mess. It's ludicrous to think that we should expect some kind of commemoration if we're good boys for a while. We shattered the trust of our SO's with our negative behavior. Think about the trauma we put them through. Don't you think they have the right, the need to establish boundaries and consequences, especially if it might help them recover? You want a reward for not lying for a week? How about a clear conscience. That's all we deserve until our SO's are better.

[vintageturtle]

Speaking as a spouse, I think Beanhead has a point here. He wasn't suggesting that if a PA doesn't lie for a week, he should get to have an evening of online gaming or a night of football and beer. His suggestion was for a kid-free date night for the PA and SO. That is a wonderful chance to build on the success gained by the PA's efforts, to put some time and effort into healing the relationship, not just the addiction.

I also agree that focusing only on the negative is not helpful. It might not seem fair that the PA is earning rewards by living up to normal expectations. If all I'm concerned about, as a spouse, is what's fair and getting my just desserts, well, I would probably go out and start my Playgirl collection. But this isn't about what's fair, it's about healing the relationship and supporting my H in his recovery. If focusing on the positive as well as the negative is more likely to lead to recovery, then I see no problem with it, regardless of whether it's "fair" or not.

[rosie]

I neeeed to sleep (its nearly 1am) but I just wanted to say thanks SO much for the responses. I will try to respond in the morning.

I havent done the contract yet - we postponed until tomorrow night, so will be working on it tomorrow!

Thanks again for all the responses :)

[Beanhead]

You don't get rewards for doing what you're supposed to do. We caused this mess. It's ludicrous to think that we should expect some kind of commemoration if we're good boys for a while. We shattered the trust of our SO's with our negative behavior. Think about the trauma we put them through. Don't you think they have the right, the need to establish boundaries and consequences, especially if it might help them recover? You want a reward for not lying for a week? How about a clear conscience. That's all we deserve until our SO's are better.

I understand what you're saying and I even agree....to a point.

What I'm saying is that a contract that only focuses on negative actions along with negative consequences will ultimately produce negative feelings and reactions.

How about focusing on something positive? Even further, how about making time alone with your SO as a positive reward?

All the experts will say that when you only focus on the negative, you ultimately create resentment and negative feelings.

I'm simply encouraging that the contract doesn't ignore the positive.