Feels like an affair

[stillandagain]

A post from 10/22/2010 worth revisiting.
Helps me understand my own feeling that it felt like he was having an affair. Would love some more current thoughts.



"Most of that stuff sounds good rich, but there is still a lie here because you did cheat on her in "real life". YOU were really present, and YOU were really cheating. Your heart, your body, your mind, and your soul where really involved. What part of YOU wasn't there in "real life" with your p g/fs? I think I know what you mean in that you didn't "touch" another womans flesh, but that doesn't mean that what you did wasn't in "real life". Hanging on to false perceptions like this one will keep you stuck, because you are still devaluing the fact that the p girls are REAL, and you are real too, and you were really using them in REALITY. The idea that it's just occuring in fantasyland is the lie, because there is no such place as fantasyland. That idea that it was just a fantasy in your mind, is a p lie. Whatever was happening in the acts you watched, really happened, it wasn't fantasy. And when you viewed it, and used it for sexual purposes, you became a participant to it, in REAL LIFE. You weren't approaching it as if you were going to just watch others have sex, which is gross enough, but if this is going to be the honest thread, you're going to have to get honest about what was going on in your head at the time, minus the miminizing lies. SHE wasn't there in the flesh, but you were, and therein lies the truth, the rub, the REAL LIFE, parts of it. You're p g/fs were REAL ENOUGH to YOU, that you sought them out in lieu of your wife. Isn't that closer to the truth than your "not in real life" version.

"I know it's hard to accept this truth, that what you did you did in "real life". It might have been under the guise of it occurring only in fantasyland but that is the p lie, not the FACTs of the matter. The facts of the matter are that in your mind you were being with those women. And your heart and soul went along for the ride, albeit in a suppressed condition. Your body was involved too, and you were "bonding" with p, rather than you wife. It it wasn't happening in "real life" then it wouldn't hurt us in our hearts and souls, ya know? You aren't just flesh, and they aren't just pixels. You are a whole person, heart, mind, body, and soul and thus all your parts go where you go. Just because a user only uses his flesh parts, and pornified mind parts, that doesn't mean his heart and soul doesn't go along for the ride. They do, and that's how they get damaged. Because a user has to turn off, or ignore what should be their input in order to p with this sort of perceived immunity. But that is the symptom. Thinking it's "not real" is the symptom, it is the lie, it is at the core what the minimizing, and of the objectifying so if you're going to get honest, you are going to have loose these lie based differinations. You're mind is compartmentalized by these lie based walls basically, and you have to loose the lies to break down those compartmental walls, and rebuild them based on truth instead of lies this time. Stop minimizing it. Stop trying to perceive it as if it weren't cheating in this way or that way. There is no "good way" to cheat, just like there is no "good way" to p. One way is not "better than" other ways, it's just that there are different ways to cheat, but they all occur in "real life". And the consequnces are the same or worse, but the consequnces of p cheating are not less painful than the consequences of flesh cheating. And when we think they are then we are sicker than when we know there really isn't any differences spiritually. When we're trying hold on to these "not really cheating" views, then we are not embracing what Jesus had to say about it. We're still thumbing our noses at him, trying to view it from behind self serving man made lenes and falling for tricks of the devil. To look upon a woman in lust is to commit adultry with her. That's what the Bible says. It doesn't say it's okay so long as you percieve that it doesn't happen in "real life". If you are involved then it is in your "real life". The p g/f might not have been in the flesh in front of you, but your mind wasn't perceiving it as if she "wasn't there", was it?

"You think we care whether she was "there" or not? Our problem is not what all the other ppl on earth do, as there will always be fools, rather the problem is what YOU were choosing to do, as far as your wife is concerned. We're you awak while you were looking and using em? You didn't do it in a dream like state, or while sleep walking per se, that would be occuring in "fantasy". But if you did while awake, that was happening in your real life, and you were cheating on your real wife, with REAL other women, and their REAL body parts, although they were likely airbrushed. So if you are going to get honest you are going to have to unfantasyland yourself, and unfantasyland your p g/fs, and unfantasyland your wife. You have to loose the lies that suggest that some of what you choose only occured in fantasyland because ALL of it actually occured in reality.

[betrayed family]

I have always HATED the distinction of " I didn't TOUCH" anyone....
Mell would get out of bed with me... not because I had turned him down sexually.... because HIS FIX was downstairs... awaiting ... just a mouse click away.
I am STILL not sure I understand this.....
The fact remains.... the chemical changes occured post his own selfish ACTS.. post his self gratification at MY and the women on the P sites EXPENSE!!!!
IN my book.... IT IS CHEATING.... without worrying about STD's ....until P isn't enough...
This ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE.....
Betrayedfamily

[RobP413]

This ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE.....

I couldn't say it any better.

I think this is really the point and perhaps one of the most concerning aspects of PA. It always starts as XYZ, until that's no longer entertaining. Then it's stepped up a notch, to something else. Before long, a PA finds him/herself neck-deep in stuff that is so extreme/far away from where they started, without even realizing it.

And who is to say that there is a stopping point? A line that won't be crossed? Whether that is cheating in real life or something else? Who is to say there is a line there? Like you said, it is PROGRESSIVE. Where it stops, nobody knows... IMO, you've got to get the %^#! off that train ASAP, because it isn't stopping.

[Steelerfan27]

Rosie, I know you're just making a point, but please remove the scenario from your post. It's a definite trigger.

thanks

[Betterforever]

I tried so hard never to admit this. I didn't think that was the case while I was doing it and it is something that I would never do any other way. It is being unfaithful. It hurts me a lot to admit that. This is progressive and I have done more than one thing that I though I never would because of it. Who knows where it would have taken my eventually? I don't even want to know.