Is this P?

[Beanhead]

My wife and I were talking today and got to wondering.... is looking at sexy pictures of her dangerous for me, a PA?

[rosie]

In my opinion - if you have to ask - it's inappropriate.

Yes, sexy naked pictures are p. [-( But whether you think its appropriate to look at those of eachother in your relationship or not is another question.

I personally like to think that it's a weasle way to be looking at P. Because essentially you are still looking at P, only that it's your wife. I think it would be negative for someone in recovery to be looking at these pictures - and presumably MB/etc then it might make recovery hard. Why can't you look at her face instead?

But, that said. It's your decision and your choice what you do in your relationship.

[Phil413]

My wife and I were talking today and got to wondering.... is looking at sexy pictures of her dangerous for me, a PA?

Depends on what you mean by "sexy pictures." Given the nature of this forum, I'll assume you mean pornographic pictures.

If you do that, you will be reducing your wife, your friend, the love of your life, to just another two-dimensional image for you to consume, as you've consumed countless others.

Since you asked my opinion, there it is. I think it would be a deeply disrespectful thing to do to your wife. She deserves better than to be reduced to an object, a "thing" to be used whenever you want a quick thrill.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I feel kinda strongly about this, as you can probably tell. :)

Phil

[rosie]

I have read a bit about PA's in recovery turning to their SO for their fix and I would hate to think you are transferring your lust and addiction onto your wife by using sexy pictures of her as a replacement.

To be honest, i've never understood the NEED to look at sexy pictures. What for? What's the point? It just doesn't make sense to me. I'd rather spend time looking at an amazing sunset photo. lol

If your wife is there and available and you want some sexual intimacy wth her, why can't you just have sex instead?

Maybe I am missing something here because I simply just don't understand the reason why people need to look at sexy pictures/p etc.

[iwilldothis]

Aside from the moral issue (which may be different from person to person), I do not think it is going to be helpful to your recovery at all. It will probably trigger the same path ways in your brain as P does.

The first time I relapse (and I had been almost 4 weeks P free on that first attempt), was the day after "skype sex" with my partner. So yeah, maybe ok for non PA, but for a PA it is definitely dangerous.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

As an SO, I thought it would be helpful for my PA husband if he had pictures of me instead of other people. If he had me, he would be less inclined to look at other people, right?

WRONG! I was incredibly naive and I never made that mistake again after the bg discoveries.

As an SO and knowing what my husband was up to, it makes me sick to my stomach that he would ever have pictures of me and look at me like he looked at those other people. It is not a compliment at all for him to want me to be what those other people were to him.

If your wife is ok with this, I would have to wonder at her motivations. Is she just trying to be sxy and flirty or is she trying to keep your mind on her and not on other people? Does she even know the depth of your actions?

[Beanhead]

I find the various replies to be helpful and instructive.

The reason this came up between my wife and I is that we used to do this when we were first together and married. She would dress in lingerie or tastefully naked and send me pics of herself.

Thus, this was one of the ways of us "playing" with each other.

On the other hand, she did not know that I was addicted to pornography and battling the cycles that come with that addiction. Perhaps if she had known, she would not have "played" in that way with me.

Personally, looking at her that way did not make me run to pornography. I was turned on by her and made me look forward to sharing that intimacy with her.

BUT, my take on this for THIS TIME OF MY LIFE, when I am truly battling to rid myself of this addiction, is that it is probably not a good thing.

While it may be true that I will be looking at my wife and thus, a real person, the one that I love, I think I need to avoid any and all types of pornography or sexy pictures. Even if they are of my own wife.

That's just my take for myself.

I did, however, want to hear some thoughts from others in this forum.

[maggie]

BH,

That was a brave question to post. It sure made me think a lot about the idea.

At another time, it would have sounded innocent & playful although a bit risque!

But after reading about all of the turmoil this addiction/compulsion causes in people's lives - any activity or behaviors that even resemble the actions or mindset of pa seem dangerous.

Your honesty by posting this did not go unnoticed...

[HopefulsRock]

Beanhead, I have to agree with Maggie, that was a brave, open and honest question to put out here for all to read. I feel strongly as well like Phil413 that these pictures are very degrading to your wife (Stillandagain)... imagine if they were ever to get into some other guys hands or a kids? ...IMO you should destroy them, every one of them... burn them so there's no remnants left of those times and enjoy the real wife that's right there by your side!

[stillandagain]

I have been thinking quite a lot about how to reply to this thread.

I am Beanhead’s SO wife. We were very early in this current PA discovery / recovery-beginnings process when this subject came up while driving through the country one day. The tone truly was one of wondering. So he simply asked by starting this thread.

Beanhead and I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage, much of it related to P and related issues. We came together with eyes wide open to that baggage and each other, and with the intention and hope to do our relationship differently, to learn how, to keep it (even P) between us. So, that’s where our playful intimacy began, with sending pix and texts, which enhanced our active sex life.

So, particularly in regard to this early timing of our relationship, I do not feel degraded.

In the current context, however, I have discarded any and all such pictures of myself, and him – from phones, computers, printed, etc. I have asked him in current days about “using ME for or as P.” He says he has not, but we seem to agree that, as his PA cycled downward, my pix, etc could have served as a path to the rest, or perhaps even sometimes used as P, not as enjoying ME.

We have also decided not to use P for us. Its just too dangerous. And there have been too many lies about it being used beyond us during P cycles. So, this is the best decision, for us.

So, this is a great conversation for us. We were glad to raise the issue and are thankful for the discussion.

This is a challenging time for us! We want to enjoy our intimacy. To me, each couple is different and we are finding our way to what it right for us, for me, and for him.