Has anybody here not slipped since they started?

[Phil413]

Hi,

Yesterday, PeterB wrote:

I don't think I've read one journal where someone has started out on here and been completely relapse/slip free

I can't think of an example either, and so I wondered: Has anybody who's currently active here, and been here for, say, at least two months, not slipped since they started?

I'd really like to know, because these would be the guys whose journals I'd most want to read, so I can learn from them.

Phil

[2frustrated]

From what I've seen, what happens in most cases is that everyone enters this site with an all or nothing attitude. "Either I'm a p addict, or I never see the stuff again." I can't count the times I've read in journals about a slip being the "last time."

Now, I am NOT saying that the solution is to allow p or gradually go off of it. Such a road is disastrous. Rather, the problem can be better addressed by not focusing on "the last time" and "never again." Such goals are good, but they are also a setup for failure. What happens when you vow never to view p again, and then you view it? You become demoralized. You begin to loathe yourself. Your own valuation of yourself is severely lessened. If, instead, the focus was put on self-improvement and self-valuation, REGARDLESS of p use, many people would be a lot better off.

How would this play out in practice? Well, instead of saying, "I slipped today; that will be the last time ever; p will never be a part of my life from this moment forward;" adopt this attitude: "I slipped today, but I am still on the road to recovery. I am still a valuable person and need to be compassionate to myself as I think about why I acted out. In the future I will try to be more mindful of my thoughts and emotions. I don't want to act out again, but if I do, I am still a good person and still recovering."

The person who makes all or nothing vows and then breaks them is more likely to act out again because he feels so badly about himself for breaking the vow. The person who is, instead, mindful, will be more resilient when a slip occurs. A slip would be an opportunity for insight and growth rather than a downward spiral.

What about setting goals, such as, "I want to be p-free for 30 days."? I personally would not make such a goal, and I don't believe I have made any such statements in my journal. If one wishes to make such goals, they should be qualified so that a slip is not equated with doomsday. A qualified statement would look something like, "For the next thirty days I want to be extra mindful of my moods, emotions, thoughts, desires, and triggers. During that time I will do my best to deal with my emotions in ways other than p." Making a commitment in such terms places primary value on the self, rather than on avoidance of some external act. I have found this attitude to be more conducive to recovery. I've been p-free for over three months now, not because I made a "90-day" goal, but because of my commitment to be mindful, and to NOT be scared of a potential slip as the end of the world.

[Phil413]

Thanks, 2frustrated. Some excellent thoughts in there.

Rather, the problem can be better addressed by not focusing on "the last time" and "never again." Such goals are good, but they are also a setup for failure. What happens when you vow never to view p again, and then you view it? You become demoralized. You begin to loathe yourself. Your own valuation of yourself is severely lessened.

I don't think the two attitudes are necessarily mutually exclusive. I think it's important to have the commitment and determination that the last time really is the last time, and to accept nothing less.

However, I agree that we do need to bear in mind that this is hard, that probably 99% of recovering addicts slip at some point, and that it could happen to us, too.

If we keep both ideas in mind, maybe we can strive for total abstinence, but not be too demoralized if we fail to achieve it on the first (or thirty-first) try. Maybe we can see a slip as feedback, not failure. Then we could figure out what went wrong, adjust our strategy, and try to do better next time.

Phil

[JenMac]

02-19-2011, 11:14 PM

I am sitting here thinking, what ever happened to the "Relapse is not an option" approach to recovery here at TTF?
It seems to me that I read more and more about guys struggling to maintain any length of sobriety in their fight to become p free.
Many who are struggling have come here of their own will and that I applaud. I feel they have recognized that P is a huge problem for them in their lives. It takes a great amount of courage to come here and expose your weaknesses. Seeking support can help to build resources that help you to fight this addiction.
With that being said, I am struggling to understand what I see as an approach where relapse seems to be an acceptable option.
I know for me, my whole life as I knew it, hinged on my ability to stop using P. It makes me wonder if those who are struggling have enough incentive to quit in the first place.
If you are serious in your resolve to rid yourself of this affliction in your life, it is time to get serious and stop accepting relapse as an option.
By using the tools and resources of this site as well the support and guidance of the many members, recovery is there for you, if you choose to seek it.

Mac, IMO


This is a journal entry from Mac's journal, my SO that he wrote about 2 weeks ago.
There are many here who have not relapsed since joining TTF.
Just to name a few,
Foolish Mind
Daniel
Artguy
Mac
Hopefuls Rock
Chas
All long time members and all very successful in their recoveries, also all married. From what I have witnessed of these 6 guys their relationships are better than they were in the past as well.
So yes, it can be done!
Artguy was the creator of 'Relapse is not an option' but I believe all of the others adopted the same policy and had great success with that guideline in the forefront of their minds. Seems to me to be a successful approach!
Two more just came to mind,
Mell
In Need of Help
Sorry if I missed anyone else! Feel free to add your name to the list!!
It can be done guys! Go for it!
Jenn

[Phil413]

Thanks, Jenn. It's encouraging that these guys have succeeded so well. My fondest wish is to join them in long-term sobriety.

If fully agree with the "relapse is not an option" attitude. As I said above, the last time was the last time, and I won't accept anything less than that.

Phil

[Viper66]

I have not relapsed since coming to TTF HOWEVER; I was on NP Support before and had slipped and come back more than once so I'd have to say I'm a "slipper".

I used to count days. It didn't work out that well for me. I had a heck of a time when I slipped getting back on the recovery train. It was like saying never again and then when it happened again I'd just give up.

Now I don't count days since I slipped and I don't slip very often at all. I believe I have more than 60 days without a relapse now...

2Frustrated had many good points in his post. When I finally accepted that if I slipped I could still continue to recover it became easier for ME. This may not work for many folks but for me it seems to take hold. Instead of thinking I blew it today so why start trying again I'd just keep trying and look at a slip as a slip. Not a fall down a long slippery slope but a slip, bang my knee and get up brush off and take another step forward.

Just my two pennies.

Viper

[mell]

Actually, I did slip after joining here. I initially joined in 2008, slipped and crashed, and disappeared from TTF until last August.

The way I see it (how it works for me) is when I 'forget' I am addicted, I will fall. As long as my recovery is in the forefront, I am in a good place. I have thought / hoped I was better many times before and let up on my recovery only to crash and burn. That said, we all have a rock bottom, a point where we truly realize the pain outweighs the pleasure. When we see that, we can start to gain our lives back.

I agree with Artguy's "relapse is not an option", however, relapse does not mean loss or defeat. We must learn from our mistakes, get up, and keep going.

[JenMac]

Sorry Mell! I forgot you were here before! I have only known you since you have been here this time.

The way I see it (how it works for me) is when I 'forget' I am addicted, I will fall. As long as my recovery is in the forefront, I am in a good place.

I really agree with this statement! This is what I have been feeling since joining here in April!

Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

My husband, NewLifeMan has not chosen P since d-day, 3 Nov 2009. He joined TTF in Nov 09.

Prior to that, when he was "trying" to quit and not committed, he slipped all the time but I didn't know. Actually, he never "slipped". He never wanted to give up P, and he had nothing to lose when I didn't know, so he never quit. He thought he should, but he hadn't decided he should. He got to the point finally when he thought "I can't imagine my life without my wife and kids and self-respect" instead of "I can't imagine my life without P".

So, once you decide you want to quit, you can. There is a difference between knowing you should quit or thinking you should quit, and actually committing to to quitting.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

For some reason, I don’t feel comfortable posting here, but I feel that I need to. I for one have been clean from day 1. No slips at all. But don’t get me wrong, I do struggle, and it is so damn hard to remain clean from this addiction. I guess, why I haven’t gave in, and just looked, is because I know that I cant do it, just one time, and say it is enough. For me, with my addiction, I would not want to click OFF after I clicked ON. I would just sit here and Porn away. Yes I know this sounds bad, but I loved porn. I loved chat rooms. I loved cam to cam with women I don’t know. This was a very big high for me, and one real good thrill I may add. Porn was my life; I guess I can say in all fairness. Seems it was more important to me, than my family.

But once it was discovered that I had this addiction, and I saw the pain, that I caused to my loved ones, I knew that this had to stop. I had to get this addiction under control. I started off with the ideal that pure will power was good enough. This proved to be true, for, the first week or so. But I noticed so many thoughts in my head to turn back to this addiction. This is when I found out that if you are to even have a chance of being free from this, for any length of time, pure will power will never do. You must have a very good recovery plan, and stick to it. Also, if the plan is not working even a little, you need to change it. “WE MUST HAVE ONE THAT WILL WORK FOR US”


So for me I guess, I just continue to make any changes that I need to make, in order to remain clean from this addiction. And I feel that for me, mine is working, and my plan is really no different, than anyone else’s plan. I just work it to death.
We need to do EVERYTHING that is possible, to prevent us from getting to P. We need to block any holes in our recovery, to keep us away from it. Now let me please explain why I am saying this.
I have a good recovery working for me. But a few weeks ago, I found out, that my recovery plan wasn’t working, and it wouldn’t continue to work, until I made two more changes in it. A few Saturdays ago, I just left the best SSA meeting that I have ever attended. It was a emotional meeting, and so very heartfelt. But somewhere within an hour, something went wrong. I snapped. I just became, so damn fed up with the crap I am going through with my SO. I SNAPPED, AND I JUST DIDN’T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE ABOUT MY RECOVERY. So on the way home, I stopped and loaded up on my beer, and I started pounding them away, and was on a empty stomach, and I was drinking them as fast as I could. Now I am feeling real good, buzzed to the limit, and then damn it, I wanted porn. Nothing was going to stop me from looking at it. So I got my little space right here ready for me to just have a hell of a good time with P. Now get this. I did have a filter on my computer, but, I have the password. So I turn off the filter, get up, went and got me one more beer, downed it before I got back to my room, and was ready to go on my little trip, to the life of P.

Well I do not know what happened, I don’t know how it happened, but just as I was about to click on a site, it didn’t open. I knew I disabled the filter, so damn it, why isn’t it working for this site. Now I am pissed to no end. I then noticed that my internet connection was not working. To shorten this up a little, lets just say I done everything possible for well over an hour or so, to get my connection to work, but to no avail to me. I started kicking things around, throwing things; I was just so furious that I couldn’t get to my P. My friends, I WAS IN A TERRIBLE RAGE BECAUSE OF THIS.

I know knew I was in a dangerous place at this point, so after that long period of trying to get to my P, I knew I needed to calm myself down. So I went and tried to do a few things around the house. After a while I really started to calm down. I now realize that my drinking while I was already pissed off was not a good I deal. So I dumped the remaining beers I had, and I started thinking about how I was acting, all because I couldn’t get to my Porn. I felt so ashamed and guilty for this action. My head became clean enough for me to see that I really needed to be on TTF. I need to have clearer thoughts. Came in the room, internet was still down, so I started to write for my journal in Word program, and I can paste it there another time, when I was able to get online. As soon as I was finished with what I was writing, and by now, I am almost at a normal frame of mind, I kid you not, right then, my internet came back on. So I was now able to post in my journal

I am sorry that I wrote all this done, but I wanted to share it with you. I needed for you to see, that even though I haven’t slipped, I damn near did. The reason that I almost slipped, was because I then seen that I still needed more work on my recovery plan. So I had to add two things right then to my plan

#1 No drinking, any more, at any time. Major danger for me, and it has always been a danger area, when I drink, I act out.

#2 If you have a filter, always listen to what Phil413 (aka Dr. Phil-ter) says about having a filter. IF YOU HAVE A FILTER, DO NOT KNOW THE PASSWORD IS. So now I do not have the password to be able to disable my filter.

So if we have a real good recovery plan, and if we do everything that we need to do, to keep us from getting to our addiction on the computer, then we can make it work for us 99% of the time
And I also know in my heart, that I no longer want to be sick with this addiction, so I am fighting like hell to get rid of it, and remain clean

I am so sorry I dragged this so long