It's normal to look at attractive women. Right?

[likeafish34]

I'm on my 5th day of recovery and doing well. I've not accessed any porn, but I do find myself looking at attractive woman when I'm out in public or at work.

I'm sure that for my whole adult life I've found my attention being diverted by attractive women, but I think that over the years of porn addiction it has become more pronounced. Having said that, being attracted to women is normal and natural.

These sound like stupid question now, but how about you guys. Do you find yourselves attracted to women? Do you think its okay? Is it more powerful in us addicts? Do you try to avoid it, in case it leads to unhelpful trains of thought and temptation?

At the moment I'm trying to avoid the temptation and I'm criticising myself when my attention is caught by an attractive woman. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and trying to deny natural male tendencies.

Simon

[2frustrated]

Of course it's natural. For us, it's more than natural. When you're trying to quit p, your brain chemicals miss the fix and will grasp onto anything that might provide another fix. Women in public are potential fixes, and thus the mind drives you to focus on them. It's best to have a look away policy. When a woman strikes your fancy, look away. Don't try to test yourself. Don't take a "peek." Look away. If you give in and stare, then your mind will have a stored image to fantasize about later.

Now obviously, certain people are beautiful and pleasing to look at. There is nothing wrong with acknowleding that beauty; but there is no need to stare at or focus on it. If someone catches your eye, look away and mentally acknowledge the beauty (as you would a sunset), without looking back. This way you validate the beauty and your desire without feeding it. This, I believe, will lead to less mental conflict.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

It is natural that we do, just the same if a woman looks at a man. But for us who are in recovery, It is ok to look as long as we are just looking at them because we find them nice to look at. But where it become unnatural for us, is when we allow the OLD thoughts that we use to have, come in to play. It is very important, for us addicts not to just dwell on them. we glance, we think,Wow she is beautiful, then we turn our heads and move on.
I like what 2frustrated said.
When you're trying to quit p, your brain chemicals miss the fix and will grasp onto anything that might provide another fix. Women in public are potential fixes, and thus the mind drives you to focus on them. It's best to have a look away policy. When a woman strikes your fancy, look away. Don't try to test yourself. Don't take a "peek." Look away. If you give in and stare, then your mind will have a stored image to fantasize about later.

He couldn't have said this any better. For me, I am trying to adapt the 4 second policy. If I look any long than that, I know I am headed for trigger to happen
I am glad to asked this question. It got me to start thinking about a few things that I may need to change in me

[likeafish34]

Thanks for the replies. I think you're right about my brain craving for a fix. Looking and admiring a woman is natural, but I want to be careful. I like the sound of the 4 second rule. I'll give it a try.

Simon

[BelieveInHope]

I hope it's okay if I chime in here, I am an SO. Four seconds counting one thousand one, ect., is quite a long time to look at someone. Imagine making eye contact with a complete stranger for that long. It would be weird and uncomfortable. When a guy looks at me longer than a couple of seconds, I start getting that creeped out vibe. I know he's staring/oogling--and honestly, it is uncomfortable and unnappreciated. A complimentary, appreciating look should be a couple of seconds, IMO, at the most. This is from the viewpoint of a woman.

And you should be looking at her face. Looking anywhere else is drinking in her image for your fix. Her body does not belong to you. It is not your right to sexualize her, no matter what she's wearing.

How would you want men to look at your wife, sister, or daughter? They can admire and appreciate her beauty, but I think you'd feel like smashing their face in if you knew they were thinking certain things.

I have had men look at me and give me a warm and sincere compliment that made me smile. I have had men look at me and say the same exact words and I want to go home and take a shower immediately from the grossness of their gaze and the filth I knew was playing in their heads.

Work on being that first type of guy, and you won't have to worry about counting seconds.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I do stand corrected on the 4 second rule.
Thank you BelieveInHope^:)^

[likeafish34]

Thanks BIH.

I don't think that I go around leering at women and I hope that I'm not seen as a creepy guy. Maybe next time I'm tempted to look at a woman that way, I'll imagine her knowing what's in my mind.

Simon

[BelieveInHope]

Hi guys,
I hope I did not come across as too harsh. I did not mean to do so and I apologize if I did. Habits are hard to break, especially when they have been ingrained for years and sometimes decades.

Many, many men don't care about trying to change. They don't care that they are objectifying women. They don't care how they make us feel, because we are only things to them, only sexual stimuli for their own gratification. They don't care that much of P degrades women and girls. They don't care that it hurts their SOs.

But you care. You are working hard at changing, towards becoming men of honor, integrity, faithfulness, dare I say chivelry (sp?)? In essence, becoming real men.

Thank you. And keep up the good work.

[Teemo]

I want to add something about staring. I am an addict. That means I have messed up my mind by staring so much. Just like an alcoholic who can never again drink normally, I cannot hope to "look" normally. I have to keep my eyes (and my thoughts) much more restrained than I would have to if I were not messed up. That's just how it is. I think I have lost the ability to innocently "appreciate" a woman's attractiveness.

Teemo

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I hope it's okay if I chime in here, I am an SO. Four seconds counting one thousand one, ect., is quite a long time to look at someone. Imagine making eye contact with a complete stranger for that long. It would be weird and uncomfortable. When a guy looks at me longer than a couple of seconds, I start getting that creeped out vibe.

BeleiveInHope,
we didn't mind at all that you chimed in here. To be honest, I am glad you did. Of course it was little ole me, that had to say I do the 4 second rule, but after reading what you wrote, I just looked at something, and started counting. And to my surprise, that is a long time to stare at someone. So I respect you so much for, OK I will say it, Setting me straight on this. Thanks again for bringing that to our attention

So you have nothing to apologize for. I alway respect a SO's opinion on matters if it is going to help us addicts to do thing right