Recovery and bed-wetting

[grasshopper]

I remember when I was just a little boy, waking up and needing to pee. I lay there thinking I should get up and go, but fell back to sleep. I think that happened twice, me lying there, knowing I should go, but falling back to sleep. Then I found myself relieved to be in the toilet peeing only to realise that it was a dream and I had wet my bed.

Something similar happens when I’m meditating. The idea is to maintain a non-thinking state by focussing awareness on, for instance, the sensation of breath. It silences the inner chatter and brings you back to the reality of you. In that state I will sometimes find myself drifting into thinking, “How great it is to be in this non-thinking state. It’s so peaceful and... Doh!” Thinking about non-thinking is still thinking.


These are examples of the subtle tricks my mind can play on me, far too subtle for me to always stay on top of. In the same way, my mind can trick me into thinking I am in recovery when I am still dreaming. Sometimes circumstances will prod me out of the dream. Or sometimes I will come out of the dream spontaneously. I will see that I have not been mindful:

• I have been allowing destructive thoughts to trail on,
• I have been thinking, “Wouldn’t recovery be so much easier if [insert fantasy of choice here]”,
• "Why isn't anybody reading my journal?",
• I have been feeling sorry for myself or somehow dodging,
• etc...

Then I will get some sudden clarity about where my mind really should be. I will be suddenly aware that I have been dreaming of going to the toilet, but actually wetting my bed. These moments of clarity are gifts from God.

For me, recovery includes avoiding recovery counterfeits that make me dream I'm in recovery. Day-counting has been a big one for me. The target becomes a number of days. “Success” is measured by not pornsturbating for a week or by beating your personal best. Recovery on this scale could be achieved by breaking all your limbs and spending six weeks in traction in hospital. Forum-posting is another one. “I must be in recovery; did you read that amazing advice I just gave?” I am not warning against day-counting or advice-giving per se. I am warning against inattention or inadvertence.

Addicts are accustomed to averting our eyes from the truth so we need to be alert to our own minds’ tricks. Part of recovery is constantly (constantly!) ensuring we are not dreaming of being in recovery when we are really just wetting the bed.