Dealing with temptations(Looking/Lusting)

[UpLifted]

Okay, so I am sure this topic has come up before but I am new here and would love to hear from people. I am not new to recovery. I have been working on recovery for 13 months now. One of my issues has been dealing with temptations to look/lust at women while in public. Early on in my recovery I kept this problem from my SO. Later in my recovery I told her about my struggles and that I was still tempted and giving in. After my revelation things were fine for awhile. I would tell her when I was tempted, but they just kept coming and I thought something must have been wrong to still have the temptations after being in recovery for several months. I know now that train of thought was wrong. I also lied to my SO for several months about how often I was tempted and about giving in sometimes. When I finally came clean, because she knew something was wrong, I told her that I was giving the temptations all the power. I feared them. Every time we went out I would have them and I thought I was screwed up for good so I made up that I was doing well.

So, now that I do not fear temptations to lust/look while in public, what are some techniques to help deal with them? How long before it stops feeling so mechanical and more natural? I know I have trained my eyes to look for over twenty years. I know it will take awhile for that habit to go away. So what have others done that has worked? Any advice would be great. Thanks.

--UpLifted

[LADYM325]

I commend you for being honest with yourself. My PA H has just started a Christian based 12 step program and that is one of the first things he is going to have to do is to train his eyes and thoughts. I have agreed to stay with him and support him as long as he does not lie to me. I have heard them all over the past 10 years. Stay honest with yourself, but mostly stay honest with your SO. We know when things aren't right. We have decided that if we are somewhere and something triggers him we are to leave immediately. If a trigger sits nearby in a restaurant, we switch places or leave,etc. It will take time, lots of time. Just stay focused on the love of your life, not the lust in your life. Your SO should be very happy that at least you are trying to stick to the program. Just keep being Honest, it's all about that.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Uplifted, and great username by the way!

This topic has been mentioned a few times, and has always been a difficult one. Because we have to appreciate our genetic make up is to be attracted to the opposite sex (I hope that does not offend anyone)

But yes it is about that lingering look, or what you can term "gorping".

Early on in my recovery, this was an issue, as I always used to "check out" women, while driving, while walking, while in the supermarket you name, it I saw, I stared and yep..I imagined.

For me the early days were tough, because I had gone weeks without looking at P, so in some ways my brain was trying to get me any fix it could.

So in my strategy, I had to be honest with myself as to how I would counter this. Obvioulsy I could just walk around handing out burkhas to all the women, so it had to come from me.

that left me very little options, other than having to acknowledge when I was, and forcing myself to look away, or dramatically change my trail of thought.

So when driving, if I saw someone attractive, I would immediatley look the other way, or shout NOOOO to myself (yes really shouting) which in turn would make me laugh, and the moment ..and the women in question would be gone.

Walking down the street...I would shout, but I would put my hand in my pocket and pinch my thing, I would wince slightly in pain, and over time it conditioned me not to stare or i would punish myself.

Crazy I know, But I tell you what, It worked for me, because for the last 3 years, I the only woman I lust for is my wife, and as it stands now, I really dont want to look at anyone else in that way.

FM

[UpLifted]

Thank you lady and FM for your replies. I know the most important thing is to be honest with my wife. Right now she is my accountability partner and that is working for us. I tell her every night about any temptations. It is painful and hard to handle some nights, but in the end it helps with the build of trust.

FM, what you said about pinching yourself sounds silly, but really it's about retraining your eyes and I can see how that would helped. I have trained my eyes to do a certain thing for many years and now I have to re-train them. I know it will take time and I appreciate all the advice.

One thing I have done in the past is to fill my mind with positive thoughts to push out the thoughts of temptation. I avert my eyes right away and don't look back for even a second.

Thanks again,

--UpLifted

[CurseTheBeast]

Uplifted, hope you are still around.....Your situation with women in public places is very similiar to mine (and I suppose alot of us). I have employed the same methods, with the exception of the pinching. But if that works, sounds like Pavlov' dog theory.

But it really is about retraining. Anyway wish you well, maybe you are posting in other forums, I try a search and find you.

Curse the Beast!

[UpLifted]

Hey Curse,

Yes I'm still here. I mostly post in the journals. You are absolutely right that we have to retrain our minds from years of just looking/lusting when ever we were in public. I know it is a struggle, but over time I believe it will get better. I have felt a gradual difference as I have worked on retraining my mind. I still feel the temptations, but I have safe guards in place that help a great deal. Do you have a journal? I guess I'll go and check. Thanks for the post.

--UpLifted

[likeafish34]

I was also troubled by this problem. I've tried a few different approaches. Tried controlling the feelings, tried looking away. In those approaches, the bad side effect was that it made me feel bad about myself. I hope that the last statement doesn't offend anybody. I know that my addiction was my fault and that objectifying women is wrong, however self loathing is not helpful.
What I'm going with now is allowing the feelings to arise, not reacting to them and then just watching them fade away. The really good thing is that the feelings are not coming on as strongly now as they used to.

This might not be the right approach for everybody, but it's working for me at the moment.

Simon

[BelieveInHope]

I am an SO, but I read a book by an SA therapist who suggested wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it whenever you feel tempted to look. The men in his practice reduced their temptation amount/strength by 80% in 30 days.
It is about retraining your brain by associating temptation with pain, where previously your brain associated it with pleasure.
FM's way works too, of course. :-)

[Jon Doe 109]

I like the rubber band idea... maybe an electric shock device... I think eye contact is part of a healthy interaction with other people, which to me should be part of recovery; treating women and men as equals... Not starring to gain eye contact, not starring at all, and not scanning bodies up and down etc... just normal eye contact to meet another person's eye contact...just a newbie's 2 cents.
Jon