Making headway

[Hammatime Fool]

I'm 47 days into recovery with 2 very minor slips, the last one happening a week ago. My SO and I have been through some very hellish discussions about my process and where it led me, but I'm feeling stronger for it. I have no more secrets and nothing to hide. It's tough being with someone that knows your dark side. But I think we'll come out stronger for it.

Last post I made, I received some negative energy and anti-support (most was positive, only one member really came in and deflated my sails, and my SOs) and was really unpleased about it, so I'm trying again. For those that have been at this for a while, does the pain of what you've done to your SOs fade away? I just wish I could help her realize that it's all over and everything is going to be great from here on out. I know I sound like a naive fool. But I'm genuinely excited about my recovery, and feel confident that with adequate support and accountability and a strong relationship, I can get past this.

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I apologize for those who made the negative remarks, I hope that wasn't their intent. I'm glad to see that you haven't given up yet & I hope you never do. 47 days is a really making headway in your recovery & with 2 little slip ups is nothing to be ashamed of. As you keep getting stronger in your recovery & slip ups won't happen at all. But you'll still feel temptation every now & then. So keep your guard up. Like you, My SO knows my darkside & it took our love to bring it to light. I glad your SO is being so supportive to you when you need her most. If it wasn't for my SO, I wouldn't be here & our marriage would have been unrepairable. I hope you two find the strength to overcome this sickness we call P. I will keep you two in my prayers.

[Daniel]

Hammatime,

Congratulations on being 47 days into your freedom, that is a great accomplishment!

Does the pain distributed to an SO by the PA's problem fade away?

This is a complicated one.

NO and YES.

And results will vary!

How this question is answered is highly dependent on the SO, the PA, and their relational dynamic.

In a perfect scenario (which never happens, but just as an illustration), you have a PA who solidly confesses his wrongs and will willingly open up to every detail and layer the SO wants to know and understand. The PA makes amends and works harder than he ever has in his life to regain SO's trust and begin to rebuild the relationship, perhaps from scratch. He leaves the habit(s), embraces recovery, and moves on the best way he knows how.

The SO, having heart ripped out and stomped on and put through a meat grinder, desperately holds onto her sanity and seeks to recover her sense of identity beyond the scope of the PA, including redeeming her self-esteem/-confidence/-respect. She understands she is not perfect either, and chooses to forgive the PA and release the past, choosing to not be held prisoner by the many bothersome fears of what may happen, puts her trust back into the PA, best she knows how, chooses to love again, chooses to live again.

So far so good (!).

So the pain is now "gone" but really it's gone only from the immediate consciousness of daily living.

A visual queue, or remembering something, or a look, or a thought, or the way you answered a question, can bring the earth-shattering memories back for a brief (or long) visit. Then she recovers and is "normal" again.

This process may be repeated over-and-over for a prolonged or for a brief time.

Thus the memory of what happened will always remain, and by choice could be recalled, but the fact that the two of them survived it, in a beautiful irony they ended up in love more than ever, stronger than ever.

May this be true for all of us!

Daniel

[Daniel]

Another irony at work in the process:

The PA is usually having a mountain top experience having just unloaded his trash, living perhaps for the first time not under the cloud of PA, no guilt, no worries. Thus he is as happy as he as ever been.

If the whole thing was a dark secret, and the SO is digesting it all for the first time, then she is in the exact opposite space as the PA.

The PA needs to be aware (and will be made aware pronto) of this before he starts thinking kum-bye-yah all is well let's move on....

Not to mention that we PAs tend to think of the emotions as a switch: On or Off.

Suffice to say it's not this simple in the SO's mind (and in reality IMHO!).

Daniel

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Last post I made, I received some negative energy and anti-support (most was positive, only one member really came in and deflated my sails, and my SOs) and was really unpleased about it, so I'm trying again. For those that have been at this for a while, does the pain of what you've done to your SOs fade away? I just wish I could help her realize that it's all over and everything is going to be great from here on out. I know I sound like a naive fool. But I'm genuinely excited about my recovery, and feel confident that with adequate support and accountability and a strong relationship, I can get past this.

Sorry that happened, but there are times we may not like what others say to us. But we can not allow that to interfere with what we came here for, that is our recovery. You seem to be doing good. you only had a few minor slips, and that is encouraging to hear. everyday can never be a easy day.We are going to hit so many potholes and bumps in this road we are traveling on. We are glad that you made it here for help in your recovery. I hope that all of us can give you the much needed Encourgement and support that you need, that we all need. We are all here for the same reason my friend, and that is to get this addiction out of our life once and for all.

Good Luck to you in your recovery. I will being looking forward in reading more from you

[Hammatime Fool]

Thanks for the support everyone. And Daniel, since you've mentioned it, I've found 100 different opposing forces at work here. Every time I'm open and honest, it seems to hurts her. Every time I'm feeling great, she seems to be down, and the conversations bring us both down. Vice versa for me. If she comes home feeling a little better, somehow I manage to be upset.

Another thing that's pretty tough to deal with is the fact that home doesn't really feel like a haven for me anymore. I know that's temporary, but right now I'm almost scared of home because that's where really difficult conversations and emotional battles occur. I need home to be comforting and relaxing, and right now, it's usually not. To be fair, it always has been both things, and still is sometimes, but not the past few days.

It's hard watching my SO go through this, and all the doubts that go through her head. She's reading a book right now that seem to be confirming all of her doubts and fears, which isn't what she needs right now. I've been doing everything in my power to dispel those doubts and fears and help her see that my addiction and the underlying cause are responsible for these behaviors, and I have been 99% successful in my thoughts and actions thus far in my recovery, so it's difficult for me to watch an inanimate object kill the progress I've worked hard to make. Tonight, she seems to just be shutting down and doesn't really want to talk about it, which isn't like her, so I'm concerned. Again, we're engaged with a wedding date 8 months away, so it's especially damning for her. Any SOs care to comment?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hammatime Fool

Glad to see you post more. I have to say that I do hear where you are coming from in respect to the pain that your SO is going through. I am 63 days into my recovery, and I do admit that I feel great about it. But it is for me, just a little victory for being 63 days free of this addiction. I say this, because as I feel so good in my heart about how far I have come in this, And how proud I am of myself for being free of Porn, my happiness is short lived, because I still see my beautiful SO still in so much pain. Ever since my P use was discovered, OUR home, is no longer OUR home. Though, she has decided to stick this out with me, we are not the same anymore in our relationship. And to be honest, I just dont know if it will ever be the same. We can have a long spell, where everything just feels great about us, but at any given time, something hits here to remind her of all that pain I caused her, that she just goes in a very depressed state. We can be laying in bed, watching a movie, have nice time together, then out of no where, something sat her emotions off. And I know when that happens, because she will turn and look at me, with those Im going to kill you eyes, and tells me, that I need to just leave the room, and go sleep in the extra room. I just scratch my head, trying to figure out, just what the hell I just did to set her off like this. So i just leave the room, and go sleep in that little twin bed we have in that room. I just get up and leave and dont say a damn thing, and reason for not saying anything, is that I know it is all my fault, for the reason she is going thru all of this. I hurt my SO with all the things I have done in the past.

Thou we are trying to fix our selfs, and at the same time, we want to fix us as a couple, for some reason that just dosent work out as being an easy thing to do. Remember, we are the ones that threw all the trust, that we tried so hard to build, in the trash. They now have no trust in us anymore. It is going to take some time for any of our relationships to be the same as they once where. US men, if we dont do anything right, there is one thing we can do right, and that is just to mess everything up in our life. We spent countless hours looking at or for what we thought were beautiful women, on a damn computer, not realizing that, that the most BEAUTIFUL woman we was looking for, was not far away. They are right there by our sides.

I wish the best for you in your recovery, and the best in your relationship

[Hammatime Fool]

You're right, we have brought it on ourselves, and the guilt, shame, and all the other feels that come along with this addiction is a painful reminder of why we are doing what we are doing. I'm sorry that you guys are going through the same thing we are. I hope you have some good support. I'm excited to go see my therapist for the first time Tuesday. I'd like to really get at the root of whatever my issue is to really start solving this problem. 50-some-odd days clean is great for me, but I feel like finding the initial catalyst will really prevent the behavior from rearing its head again.

Stay strong though. It sucks horribly every day, but stay strong. Let's keep in touch, whether through this thread or PM.

[JenMac]

Hi Hammatime!
I am an SO and have been a member of TTF for about 9 months now. It has been a long, hard, uphill battle but my H Mac and I are here 10 months after discovery, stronger, closer and wiser than ever before. It can be done but it requires a committment from both people and you have to work like h*ll to get there. There will be many long difficult conversations, there will be much learning that takes place over time. It seems to come in stages and at varying levels of understanding for both.
I suggest you read in the SO journal section and you will be able to see that we are all feeling very similar things throughout this trauma in our lives. The stories tell of the damage this does to us and how hard the healing from this can be.
I wonder H if your SO would consider joining TTF. She would get support here and I know she will be needing that at this time. While your recovery will be challenging for you, her recovery can be just as difficult and may in fact take longer for the healing to happen.
I am glad you are hear H! I hope you will find the support you require. As difficult as this is for you, I hope you will find the strength within you to hear your partner's pain and to be nothing but supportive to her in her healing. She needs that patience and understanding at this time!
All the best!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Hey Hammatime!

Here is a link that you and your SO may find helpful in relation to what she is going through.

Trauma to SOs


Jenn