Thoughts after a relapse...

[bananaman]

(I just wrote a very long post but then for some reason I got logged out and the post deleted so this is the condensed version!)

This is really for my own benefit so that I can remember how rubbish P makes me feel. I want to be able to read it when I feel the urge. Hopefully though some of you will recognise some of the sentiments and know that you are not alone.

Things I hate about it:

- It feels like it sucks out all of my energy
- My mind feels numb after, like a fog has rolled in and blocked out the light
- I usually feel like I'm not in control of myself before, it's like someone else is driving me and I can't get out of the car
- I really dislike myself after... It makes me feel like a loser
- I know what a women's bits look like! I'm not a curious 14 year old anymore so keeping looking makes no sense
- It wastes so much of my time, today I have wasted the whole afternoon
- I think it takes away my drive to meet real women almost as if I'm scared that they won't be able to satisfy me. I'm sure I'm not the only one to mentally use P during lovemaking like picture are better than the real deal.
- I am looking at more and more disturbing stuff especially things that in real life do not do anything for me and even disgust me.

- I am an addict. That hurts the most.

Positives of not doing it:

- I genuinely feel lighter, happier, more sociable, more productive
- My mind feels clear
- I think I smile inside because my conscience is clear
- I love not having any secrets, being able to truthfully tell people what I've been up to all day is the best feeling there is
- I can achieve my other work / life goals if I have more time
- I do not want to live my life an addict. I quit smoking for the same reason and I will quit this too.

Being able to share these feelings really helps me so thank-you to you all and thanks for sharing yours.

[HalfPint]

hey man, don't worry about relapsing, just keep focusing on the future. I also like the fact that you mapped out why you don't want to do it and that you mapped out the positive aspects of quiting. Its always good to see that the positives to in fact outweigh the negatives, it motivates you to try even harder. Just keep hanging on, it will get easier with time.

[LAman24]

Dude thanks for posting that. I think you illustrated exactly how all of us feel and what to expect to feel during a relapse. Its a nice reminder of why I shouldn't be looking at P, though at times its easy to forget the negative side-effects when I have the urge.


About your relapse. I think the best thing you could of done is what you did: post a thread about how it made you feel and list the reasons why you wish you didn't.

On the other hand, don't worry about relapsing. One step back, now take two steps forward and continue with your recovery. I'm sure you don't feel well about relapsing (nobody does) but I think it is very important that you "fight back!" So use your relapse as a lesson rather than a reason for guilt. Learn from what you did, how it wasn't worth it, and how the expected pleasure was completely outweighed by the costs afterward.

Thanks for posting that. You're helping me remember why I am doing this. So remember: FIGHT BACK and stay positive in your ability to get over this thing.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Bananaman, Just a few words to say I found your lists of reasons extremely helpful. Thank you so much, a lot of members will definatley be able to relate to this.

[trueself]

i was p free for 6 weeks and then i relapsed and i did not confront it and i fell deep into it. i was to proud and disappointed in myself to tell my wife i slipped or my tharapist and it just went down hill. hang in there. my wife found out and then i had to admit that i really need help and that i might not be able to do it cold turkey i have had this adiction since i was in middle school and it will take time and alot of support which i now know to use and which helps alot. hang in there noone is superman and we are all here to help and support you.

[cwest007]

I'm new here and just wanted to give props to the original poster and all of you. I recently became aware I was addicted and felt the exact same way you do. I never realized how deep and involved I was until I took a step back and tried to see myself from an outside perspective, and what I saw disgusted me. It really just hits you like a ton of bricks, to be cliched. But never let it keep you down or make you feel bad about yourself. You're striving for improvement. And any step towards self-improvement, no matter how big or small, is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself. Just know you're not in this alone in this, and all of us are here for you.

[PaGuy724]

I have found this post very helpful. so many times I have relapsed but I have learned too pick myself up and push forward .
It's a terrible addiction and can ruin relationships with family and friends etc .
So, keep hanging in there and we're all in this together ! Good luck !

[dave42]

Thanks, Bananaman. You are doing great. And look how many people are helped by your posting (including me!) HANG IN THERE! You quit smoking; you (and all of us) can quit p!

[bananaman]

:):):)

Hey thanks for all the positive replies... I'm really pleased some of you found it useful. I'm a big fan of lists... lists of what I'm doing, where I'm going, my goals, my dreams, I find them really useful for providing me with a point of focus.

Keep on going everyone and good luck.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Bananaman, as expected, this post has been very helpful to the members here. I would like to suggest you copy the main text with a little editing and post a new thread with an appropriate title in the New Member Welcome area. This will prove to be a fantastic resource for members and guests alike.

If you have any questions about this, please do not hesitate to PM me.

Thanks
FM