Hi -- new here

[Hammatime Fool]

Hi everyone,

Need a forum for support. Not sure my SO is going to make it through this hell and would be nice to know there's additional support.

P has all but ruined my relationship. I've just finished round 2 of confession. Round 1 was my admission with overarching details about when I would use, how often, how often I lied about it, how much $$ I spent on it, etc. That was the the hardest night I've ever had in my life. She thought her life was over, and I can't say I blame her much.

In hindsight, I probably should have given her ALL the details up front, but tonight was round 2 of confession. I gave her the rest of the details, which are really really ugly. P drove me to look at things that I don't want in my life at all. I've read stories about others going down the rabbit-hole. It's really easy to look once and then look at more and different types, etc. I went way down the hole, and now I had to explain it all. It was brutal. I'm not sure how she will eventually wind up taking it. I'm scared that she will leave. We are engaged, and have already committed $$ to our wedding, so I've put her in a very rough place, but better sooner than later I suppose.

She's disgusted, terrified, angry, and sad. I'm just scared out of my mind that she's going to do something drastic or leave.

By the way, I'm 43 days in to recovery with 2 minor slip-ups. Each one cost dearly in emotional turmoil for us. Still trying to be proud of the fact that I've gone 41 days without viewing P, but I'll be damned if this isn't the worst thing I've ever put anyone through. I also feel like I've temporarily lost my partner right now, and that sucks.

So hi, good people.

[Cupcakemomma]

Welcome HF! Glad you are here. There is sooo much support and help to be found. Is your SO planning on joining as well? I am an SO of an SA and have found this site invaluable to my healing process. Maybe she would find some of the same?

[Misty_77]

Welcome to TTF, HF. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you have come to such a wonderful place for support. I hope and pray you can still save your relationship. Like CCM said, hopefully your SO will join too and we can help her along in her recovery. It always helps to have someone to talk to- especially such encouraging, non-judgmental people who understand. I'm the SO of a RA (I like RA-recovering addict- better than saying PA) who is also on this site. We've been here for almost a month and I can't begin to tell you how much it has helped us both!

[rosie]

Hi and welcome :)

Hope you find the support you need here and I look forward to reading your journey :)

I am the SO of a PA who has gone "way down the rabbit hole". The stuff I have found is horrifying. Disgusting. Degrading. Sickening.

If I had one word of advice for you it is this; Put the wedding on hold. I was assured by my HB that all was fine before we got married, and I am probably most furious at him out of all of this, that he could stand up on our wedding day in front of loved ones promising me his loyalty and truth and friendship - knowing that only the night before, he was acting out and almost certain to continue. I wish he came to me and said that we should put our marriage on hold until he was certain he could commit to a life with me living by my values.
Marriage is sacred.

Take care.

[hellron]

Welcome, HF - sucks to need to be here, but being here beats not being here, if you get what I mean

I'm a P addict myself, and I totally understand the feeling of "sinking down the rabbit-hole" - this addiction has taken me places that are almost impossible to forgive, forget and move forward from. My disclosures and Rosie's discoveries were soul-shattering for both of us, and I can totally recommend asking your partner to get on here. The SO's and partners here are amazingly strong and insightful, and her healing is just as important as your recovery, if not more so.

The best pieces of advice I can give: be real, be upfront and honest. I know it hurts, and I know it hurts seeing your loved ones hurt. That, and get yourself a copy of "The Ten Keys to breaking P addiction", an e-book that's invaluable for understanding why your brain is doing what it's doing, how to keep it under control and eventually leave it behind.

Stay strong, be real, and be honest

-- HR

[2frustrated]

You have a good heart. Focus on that good part of yourself. The p itch always tries to cloud over our good self. Let that good part shine, and the clouds will dissipate.

[Hammatime Fool]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I dropped the last confessional bomb on my SO last night, and she almost left me. I was scared, angry at myself, and hurt, but I'm sure it's nothing to what she's feeling.

We're going to our first therapy appointment today. I hope we can start healing together. I think she really just needs someone to tell her that there's a way through all of this, and that eventually it will all be ok. My words are all empty lies as far as she's concerned, at least for the short term. And that's ok for now.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hammatime Fool

First i just want to say welcome to TTF.

I am just so happy that you made your way here. I really do wish that you wasn't here, but since you are, I can only say that we will give you all the Encouragement and Support that we can. None of us want to be here, but like you, we found our life going downhill fast because of our addictions. Anyone who puts in it their MIND and HEART, to overcome this problem can do it. it is just a matter of putting much better thoughts in our head.
Porn is a very sneaky addiction. it can creep up on us at any given time in our life. To me, no matter where we may go, their are always something that can be a trigger for us. Keep coming here and read about what others are going thru, and how they made the changes for themselves.
I wish the best for you in your recovery.