I've decided, now is the time! -
03-20-2008, 04:17 AM
I wasn't sure of where the introductions thread was so I decided to post here.
I've been suffering from an addiction to P and P thinking for over 15 years. It has ruined relationships for me, has eaten up tons of time, has led to serious depression and suicidal thoughts, and at the moment has become a serious threat to finishing school. I'm currently a graduate student, working on my thesis, and for the past two years, with no structure and lots of self doubt, I've ended up spending increasing, and inordinate amounts of time browsing and looking at P.
I started meeting with a therapist several months ago to discuss this and several associated problems. The therapist tried to help me see my compulsiveness as something more complex than a simple addiction. She pointed out that I spend too much time trying to solve life's problems on my own and not feeling confident enough to share my feelings or dilemmas with others. In so doing I ended up in a cycle of self doubt and isolation that led me to use excessive P and MB as an escape. She also pointed out that I demonized P and MB to such an extent that they actually became more enticing. Unfortunately, I feel that despite the therapy, things have just been getting worse.
Over the past three days I spent close to ten hours, or more, per day looking at P. The past week wasn't much better, and the past month was quite bad as well. The unfortunate thing about this habit is that the shame and secrecy involved makes me even more anti-social and reclusive, that leads to more failures, and that in turn leads back to the habit as a means of escape. It feeds on itself and I feel like it might be my demise. I avoid my girlfriend, my other friends, and my family when I'm hooked. I get distracted by self doubt and guilt when I talk to them on the phone. I don't eat enough on the days when I'm hooked and I'm already a bag of bones.
After reading several threads on this forum, and several articles on the subject, I've decided that the only way to move forward in my life is to go "cold turkey" and abstain completely from P. I imagined that I could live with it in moderation. But I haven't been able to, and it's destroying my life. When it comes to P and the associated thoughts I'm like a terrible alcoholic, I'll just have to live with that reality. It makes me feel weak but I need to recognize that fact if I'm going to help myself move forward.
I feel that many people wouldn't be willing to acknowledge how difficult my struggle has been, I feel like they would laugh at or trivialize my dilemma, and that's why this forum is so important because we all know how difficult it can be.
I will remove nearly 250GB of P from my computer tonight. I will destroy everything related to it. I cannot continue to let this stand in the way of my social life, my love life, and my career. This forum is precisely the kind of support that I need to be able to understand my dilemma, to not feel alone, and to move on with my life. I thank you, and I support you.
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to TOM For This Useful Post:
Go, Tom! Destroying the 250GB will be a great step! Congratulations on this decision. I'm exactly like you: I thought I could look at p in moderation, but I always ended up going back to looking at a ton of it. Hang in there with grad school. It's a tough situation. I've been on the wagon now for 1 month and 2 days. And you are right: no one here is going to trivialize your situation: you all know the problems that p creates and we also know how difficult it is to stay away from it. And, yes, it makes me feel weak, too, but the fact that, as you say, you are recognizing it as an addiction is really important. I think, at least for me, p might not be a problem for some people, but for me, it's an addiction. You are very wise to quit cold turkey and totally abstain from it. Check in soon and let us all know how it's going, okay? Good luck!!
The Following User Says Thank You to dave42 For This Useful Post:
Wow, a truly admirable and impressive decision. At the stage you were, this will be difficult, for sure; but there is no doubt that you can do it. Just be resolute, be intelligent about what you need to avoid, and don't let your guard down. If you can make it through a couple of months, you will be well rewarded. Take it one day at a time.
You decided it was over, so it is! You are now completely unable to look at pornography ever again!
We are all supporting you, as we all know the first steps are the hardest. Going "cold turkey", when you're acustomed to look at P for hours (i've been looking at P for 10 hours a day), isn't easy. And you'll prolly experience troubles, both psychical and physical. At some point, you'll feel a terrible urge to watch P. To fight it, you must be aware of it. Strong Problems strong solutions, cut the internet off, go to an hotel with no internet, take a cold shower, whatever.
From, my own experience, it is very hard, when you're that addicted, i've had 250 GB of P on my comp, and still i would get bored of it, and look for new content. It never stops, the most dangerous part, is when you start looking for more and more extreme content to get the same amount of pleasure you first had. I'll not lie, it's hard, it'll be hard, but as you said, this forum is of great help. Whenever you feel like giving up, come here write a very very long post about all your thoughts.
Another very important thing, is that you avoid any "softcore content", from my own experience, softcore leads to hardcore, as simple as that. Maybe not for a non addict, but for an addict, for sure.
What else can i say ? P sucks. P industry sucks, and bomb us with sick content, internet P website are so full of crap, so full of perverted shit, that just pop up on your screen with no warning, the more you realize that, the stronger will be your will to fight, cause that's a struggle for sure. Let us be two soldiers in the same squad.
I still want to start that Big "Anti-P internet movement", to inform everyone about the real consequences of P, including, erectile problems and sexual deviance.
I'm looking forward your next post, good luck.
The Following User Says Thank You to ATraversLesFlammes For This Useful Post:
Glad you're here, Tom. Finding this site has been a life saver for me, no doubt about it. I've learned so much it kind of boggles my mind. I've never had P binges like you're talking about, but I can imagine what it must be like. The life of a student can be very isolating and within that isolation addiction can run rampant. What can you do about increasing your social time? You've got a spare 10 hours a day, now, right?
Anyway, best of luck and keep us posted.
The Following User Says Thank You to Coyote Toast For This Useful Post:
Thanks Tom. I realized there has been something wrong with me for the past 8 years. I had previously said to myself. I won't look for anymore on the internet, but I'm going to hold to everything I have. Yesterday I came across your site. I similarly followed your decision to abstain completely, go "cold turkey," and I deleted all the P on my computer.
You said it well, Atravers.
Quote:
Another very important thing, is that you avoid any "softcore content", from my own experience, softcore leads to hardcore, as simple as that. Maybe not for a non addict, but for an addict, for sure. What else can i say ? P sucks. P industry sucks, and bomb us with sick content, internet P website are so full of crap, so full of perverted shit, that just pop up on your screen with no warning, the more you realize that, the stronger will be your will to fight, cause that's a struggle for sure.
.
One of my biggest distractions has been just the amount of distracting material popping up on everywhere on the internet. It's taken away my life, and today will be my first day free of P.
The Following User Says Thank You to complexzeta For This Useful Post:
Complexzeta: You did a great thing by deleting it all. Good luck with your decision. I've been porn free for a little over a month. I think for me the first couple of weeks were the hardest, so hang in there! It's tough.
Congrats Tom, You've taken the first big step. I'm now 9 days clean and really starting to feel different about myself. Something I have found useful for me was to find someone you can be held accountable to. I have 2 people that I report to daily. As I said in my intro post. I will get away from my internet when I feel the urge. I went and bought me a canoe so I can fish those 3 lakes by my house. So make you a list of things you would like to do and in those times you would have spent looking at P. start working on your list.
The Following User Says Thank You to kwade For This Useful Post:
Hey everyone, I just wanted to say thanks for all the replies to this thread. I haven't had an episode, or very strong urges, since I started this thread 5 days ago. Deleting, destroying, and unsubscribing from all the P, has made my life ten times easier. I've been spending more time with my girlfriend and more time on the phone, or with people in person, rather than alone in front of my computer. I tried never working alone if I could help it, and sharing my dilemmas rather than hiding them. I made a list of all the good things I'd be moving toward if I gave up P (more social time, less shame, more self esteem, better attention to work), and all the bad things I'd be moving away from. I took time to really think about how those changes would manifest themselves in my life. I will inevitably have to spend some nights alone, and some time working alone, and those will be the most difficult times. I will also have times when my self-esteem is way down and I just want to retreat from everything and everyone, that's when I'll be at greatest risk. I'm really glad I've found this site. It is incredibly helpful to know that I'm not alone in this struggle.
Last edited by TOM; 03-25-2008 at 12:50 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TOM For This Useful Post:
I've been suffering from an addiction to P and P thinking for over 15 years. It has ruined relationships for me, has eaten up tons of time, has led to serious depression ... for the past two years, with no structure and lots of self doubt, I've ended up spending increasing, and inordinate amounts of time browsing and looking at P.
Yes, this is a long-standing problem for me, too. I realize now, looking at it as an addiction, that it is a treatable condition. Whew!
Quote:
Originally Posted by TOM
I spend too much time trying to solve life's problems on my own and not feeling confident enough to share my feelings or dilemmas with others. In so doing I ended up in a cycle of self doubt and isolation that led me to use excessive P and MB as an escape.
This is familiar to me, too ... our addiction subjects us to believing we must isolate, that no one could possibly understand or care. The worst, IMHO, is that our addiction trains us to believe we aren't worthy of care and understanding, even when we do find it. Did I mention how relieved I was to find this website? {rhet.}
Quote:
Originally Posted by TOM
The unfortunate thing about this habit is that the shame and secrecy involved makes me even more anti-social and reclusive, that leads to more failures, and that in turn leads back to the habit as a means of escape. It feeds on itself and I feel like it might be my demise.
Oh, brother, do I ever feel like I'm reading my own thoughts coming from your experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TOM
I get distracted by self doubt and guilt when I talk to ...
This is especially hard to read of myself, but explains the discomfort I frequently feel when I'm trying to be "normally" social, whether with friends or family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TOM
After reading several threads on this forum, and several articles on the subject, I've decided that the only way to move forward in my life is to go "cold turkey" and abstain completely from P. I imagined that I could live with it in moderation. But I haven't been able to, and it's destroying my life.
Well, I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to draw the line and say, "No More!" I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself and feeling lost and hopeless when trying to face this addiction alone. The beauty of my experience in NA recovery is that this addiction, too, is treatable. I no longer have to live in the destructive wake of this addiction. By reaching out for help and searching within for my Self, I will gain a deeper spiritual foundation in all areas of my life. When I look in the mirror, I won't be tempted to avert my own gaze any longer. I used to long to be dope-sick no more and am living my way into a solution with the fellowship of NA. I long to be porn-sick no more and am living my way into a solution with the fellowship I find here (as well as, likely, SAA & SA).
Quote:
Originally Posted by TOM
I will remove nearly 250GB of P from my computer tonight. I will destroy everything related to it. I cannot continue to let this stand in the way of my social life, my love life, and my career. This forum is precisely the kind of support that I need to be able to understand my dilemma, to not feel alone, and to move on with my life. I thank you, and I support you.
Never better said, brother. I'm also in the process of dumping a tremendous amount of P from my PC and aux drives. I've related to the fact that, even with all this stockpiled, I wanted new and different all the time. More surprising, I realized that I could see an image from a set and recognize it, even though it may have been years since I'd seen it prior!@!@! This rocked my world, to say the least, like falling out of a tree and hitting every branch on the way down. The best time to do this is now, it isn't too late. In fact, it's right on time. And I recognize that the consequences of procrastination are being levied at prices higher than I want to pay.
More power to you, to me, and to everybody who is putting their efforts to this journey of recovery. For me, I know that there are no acceptable half-measures, while at the same time remembering that I need to take it easy on myself. Recall that I can try so hard that I may fail, too. The band .38 Special may have said it best, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go." Goodnight
I've decided, now is the time! -
03-20-2008, 04:17 AM
Oh wow, how I relate... -
03-25-2008, 06:04 AM
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