Severe Recovering Addict

[ATraversLesFlammes]

I'm reading almost everypost everyday. But, i'm very disapointed i must say. I feel like, this forum is not for me. Most of the stories i read about, concern husband, who developed the bad habit of P, in their adult years, and they just want to get rid of this unhealthy habit: Smoke like indeed.

As far as i'm concerned, P has been acting like opium for me. I didn't even know, but now i'm suffering, and i don't even know if a cure is possible. It's been three weeks i was clean. But the last days i experienced real disorders: erectile troubles, noctural emision, mind images popping into my head whenever i would close my eyes.

The most sick, is that i felt i had to watch P or i would die anyway. So i kind of failed, even knowing it was not the right path, i thought that i should rather, smoke, than take some drug again, so i looked at some softcore content. But internet is fucked up, even when u're getting away from P, you thumb on P. Anyway, i felt it sucked, so i went to bed not feeling so good, but feeling it could have been worse. But little did i know how bad was i just had done was. I had just triggered it. Deviant Noctural emision, i don't even want to talk about. All i have to say, is that i was in some dream, about things not really making sense but Nothing sexual at all, and all of a sudden, some deviant image popped into my mind, just like three weeks ago, and i woke up. The major issue, in PA for me, is it's leading my mind to sexual deviance, i was not up to in my teenage years.

At first i didn't even feel like narating it. I never rode anyone relating, to Deviant thoughts resulting from PA. And i think it's a major issue. A part, from destroying their mariage -- most of the readers, who seem to be 25-45 years old happy married men with a beautiful wife -- risk a lot. To be where i'm now. It took 7 years of P only, sometimes 10 hours a day. But, it could simply happen slower, and happen after 20 years, cause it never stops and keep getting worse and worse. Having to fight perversion at 50, doesn't sound good.

I'm writting in this forum, cause it's all i have, the last option would be suicide definately.

(If, my post has shocked anyone, just tell, i'll delete it and never post again).

[castaway16]

Hello dude .. stop being that tough on yourself man, anything that you have in your dreams is ;
1. beyond your control.
2. A safe way for your body to get rid of the excess emissions it holds. So when you have a "wet dream" .. don't be mad .. on the contrary .. you should be relieved.

Another issue.. do not ,, EVER .. consider suicide as another way out.. your life is WAY TOO PRECIOUS to be wasted for something like that ..

As I mentioned in another thread .. I'm a recovering addict myself .. I have been struggling for about 4or 5 years now .. but i still enjoy my life and strive to be successful wherever I'm .. I'm an Electrical engineering student now btw ..

my point is .. you shouldn't consider a weakness in yourself to be the end of the world .. instead, you should seek the chance in it .. this is "just another block on the road " .. and you know you'd be extra-happy once you crossover ..

The most important thing is ; DON'T GIVE UP WHATSOEVER!! .. Keep trying and you'll succeed .. it could be today, tomorrow, next year or even later.. just do not give up.

So, to sum it up :

1. carry out any activity that you're successful at.. acomplishments improve your self-esteem and self-image a lot.. charity work sure helps a lot. (it has never failed me!).

2. I'm new here, but it's obvious that people here are amazing, caring and very helpful .. so with a great community like this, we all could fight back and eliminate this evil totally.. maybe we could even start a "stop internet porn" movement or something like that and save the following generations..
which would constitute our future kids !

3. I've started over today, as I mentioned in the thread -"tomorrow it is!" - that today is my quitting day .. so why not join me and we could encourage each other all the way through this ? ..

Take it easy buddy, and Cheer up ,

hope this helped and waiting for your reply

[pythagoras]

Thanks for being so honest ATraversLesFlammes.
Like castaway said- suicide is not an option. Please take it easy on yourself and be gentle with yourself- focus on your amazing progress. I mean it takes real courage and it is real progress to come out and be honest like you have.

I thank you and I am grateful to you for that.

Also the thing is it is normal to have a sex drive and thoughts are really beyond our control in a lot of ways- in my opinion. They come and go almost like raindrops from a rain cloud.
We don't have to act on them however and if we do we can learn from them. For me it is a journey of discovery and I avoid as much as possible morbid and harsh self reflection. Please keep up your great work ATraversLesFlammes.

[Newman]

ATraversLesFlammes,

I am new here. This is my first post. I was struck by how difficult your struggle is as described in your post. I write this not as an expert but in the hope that something I write might help you to keep trying to overcome this "perversion" as you describe it, and with which I agree.

By your reference to fighting a perversion at 50, I assume you are at least that age. I am a bit past that, but not far. And, I couldn't agree with you more. Fighting a perversion at 50 doesn't sound good at all. The thrill of P started with me when I was in grammar school. Female anatomy always fascinated me. Viewing my first "men's" magazine gave me a rush that I don't think I've experienced since.

Although I had concerns about the progression of my habit I kept telling myself that using P was something that young boys/men did, that it was not so unusual and that we grew out of it. I told myself that all through high school, through college, through post graduate training, through marriage, through three children up until about a year ago. I won't go into too much detail but if you've read about sexual addiction you know that there is a progression that leads to increasingly risky behavior in spite of increasingly serious consequences.

My problems lead me away from time at work to the point where, due to my lack of production, my income was drastically reduced. Although I promised myself thousands of times that I would stop, and really, really really, meant it the last time, I never could. I finally sought professional help about a year ago from a psychologist. But, in order to keep things private, I chose a psych out of town and although I attended two or three sessions with good results, I simply couldn't attend as regularly as I needed. But, my assumption that I was a sex addict was confirmed by a professional.

As you might expect, I relapsed and continued viewing P and participating in other risky behaviors until a few weeks ago I realized I was not going to stop this without help. I located a psychologist in my home town and have now been to two sessions with my third scheduled. No magic wand has been waived to cure me. I've viewed P since I started the sessions but, for reasons I am not able to explain, it doesn't seem to have the thrill or the compulsive pull on me that it once had. I hope it stays that way, but I have my doubts. The other behaviors have been avoided for several months, but for reasons other than my steadfastness.

There were times when I considered ending my life, but not often. I finally reached the point where I realized my life was being destroyed and if I was going to salvage what I had left I had to get help from an expert. I encourage you to do this. The simple step of setting this up will, in and of itself, give you some hope and optimism. However, it will not be magic and although I suspect some have turned away from this addiction "cold turkey" the most likely scenario is a struggle with ups and downs over a period of years leading to ever longer periods of sobriety with maintenance.

I think it will be worth the fight. I hope you do too. Please check to see if there is a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist in your town who can help you with this. You might start with your MD and tell him you'd like a referral. But, do something. This addiction seems to thrive on the lie that all we have to do is try harder to stop. I couldn't.

I wish you the very best.

[Dominus]

Hey man, please don't talk about suicide, however much porn you have viewed and thought about doesnt turn you into a bad egg, its just something that you have decided would be a good step to be without. The fact that you want to give it up is great. You mention guys here with beautiful wives, well it strikes me the more deviant is the guy with the beautiful wife who leaves her frustrated in the bedroom alone while he's looking at porn.

For what its worth I have had these deviant type dreams, not of a sexual nature but something else, they would be there usually in that moment when your not quite fully asleep, but not awake, drifting in and out of sleep, and they are so very real.

The beauty of our human minds is that we can rewrite the script unlike any other creature in the known universe. Consider our minds and personalities to be like paths in a field. Pathways get formed by the things we think about and the experiences we have in life, sometimes these paths are well trodden and deeply entrenched, but if we force them to change to a new track through sheer grit and determination the old paths eventually grass over and the new thought path determines who we are now. So next time the overwhelming urge to view porn comes over you, force yourself to walk away and do something else. This also applies to rejecting completely any mental images that pop up in your head when it is within your ability to do so. Its ridiculously hard without a doubt, but that effort of doing so starts the wearing in of a new mental habit of self denial that with sufficient repetition starts to become our natural reaction. Does that make any sense at all???

My recommendation, get rid of absolutely everything in your environment that could possibly tempt you including the computer if it to much of a temptation.

Don't give up my friend, and don't you dare stop posting! we want you to succeed, we are like a body here, if one of the members of the body hurts we all feel it and can't ignore it.

[ThisWontBeMe]

Even though you say your condition is more serious than ours here, I can undoubtedly say that I did feel the same way. After having been addicted of porn for 3 years, I felt that porn was taking over my life; every time I watched it and relieved my sexual desires, I felt horrible, guilty, and depressed.

It was through this forum that I found help and support; we offer the same to you, and by their support, I am succeeding in my fight. It is time for the tides to turn for you as well.

As you said that you were 3 weeks clean, this shows that you are willing to fight the fight that will get your life back on track. Do not be discouraged by the small failures along the way; they will happen, and it is all a part of this great psychological war.

As for your mental images that you having, it is inevitable that these will pop up into your head from time to time. To reduce the amount of the images, busy yourself! Find a new hobby, take up an instrument, exercise, do anything to keep your mind on constructive pleasures instead of the destructive one. As time goes on, trust me, it gets easier.

Finally, your wet dreams. These are beyond your control; you cannot dictate what you think while sleeping. In fact, ask any doctor and they'll tell you that these nocturnal emissions are perfectly natural.

Do not fall down the cracks of sadness and depression; pick yourself up my friend! Be strong.

Your struggle will be in my prayers.

I wish you the best.

[ATraversLesFlammes]

**Thanks a lot castaway16:
Unfortunately, i have to agree, such dreams are beyond my control, since i've tryed hard to refrain them for days, but i did not suceed. I hope, i won't have to relieve myself anymore in the future, because no matter what, whetever i'm in control or not, the content is a shame, and i'm ashamed and still shocked at the moment.
"DON'T GIVE UP WHATSOEVER". I'm close to reach my first month of being P clean, from experience i know the first months are the hardest, so i still have a long way to go, and such encouragment are of great help.

To sum up:
1. I'll try some charity maybe
2. I'm Very ANGRY at the Porn industry. I'm very motivated to start a "stop internet porn" movement. Was i aware of the real danger of exposure to P, i wouldn't be where i am now. Of course i knew it wasn't "right", i definately didn't know about the real danger. It cannot go on as it is, something's wrong, Internet is some jungle with Spot for crack all over the place. The path to acknowledgment of the real dangers of P, will be similar to that of Smoke i guess, it will take a long time, and much fight. Let's start a petition!
3.Definately!


**Thanks a lot pythagoras:
I must say i was very ashamed while writting this post despite being anonym.
Well, i wouldn't call such ugly dreams "a journey of discovery", but i agree i better learn something from that, than fall into depresion, altought it's the easy way.
I'm perplexed, whether, i'll ever fully recover or not, but i must give it a try still.


**Thanks a lot Newman:
I did use the word "perversion", and this is the only word that match what happened to my mind.. Alas.
I must have missaid something, because i'm not 50 no, i am 23 years old.
The point you made about the suposed, the so said "normality" of P at a young age, is an extremely important point. It was under this influence that i grew with P. I thought it was normal, Schoolmates talked about it at school, that's how i first got acquainted with it. Was i aware, of the real Dangers of it, it would have been a different story. I hope things will change.
I'm not a sex addict yet, i believe, i've never done anything in my real life im ashamed of yet, but no doubt, that if i had just accepted the addiction to P, such things would have happened. That's another strong point, to experience the same amount of pleasure, you need to go further and further, step by step, you go forward more and more hardcore content, and i believe the very last step, is to make "it for real". That's a fatality. I don't want to reach this extremity, which's why i'm struggling no matter how depressed i might seem.
I don't feel like, consulting a psychologist is an option at the moment. I don't feel, he would really understand the problem. P addiction, and it's consequences have not been deeply studied yet, there's no specialist for such. I don't want a psychologist treating me like any sexaddict.
The good point with the specialist thought, is that it allows to relieve pressure, and shame. Just like any therapy in fact, that's why this forum is so helpfull, you can stop hurting yourself, about how wrong you are, and keep this energy to fight.
I agree that turning away from the addiction straight up, is very unlikely, and it's more of a marathon that a sprint. I've already had a 6 month break, two years ago, but i dumbly came back to P, i hope this time i'll give up altogether.
Sure it's worth the fight, i hoped some specialist could help me, but for the moment i don't know anyone i would feel like talking about this problem. Anyway, your own story is very interesting, the link between P addiction, and Sex addiction, is so thin, i don't even know if there is one, and i'm totally convinced that P addiction leads to sex addiction, he who has been enjoying Sick content in pictures and movies, is bound to try it in the real world, if he doesn't give up.
Thanks for your support.


**Thanks (Senior Member!) Dominus:
I'm not proud of talking about suicide, but it's getting so severe, and i'm doubting i'll ever get rid of theses sick emissions, that sometimes i get in desperation.
I wish i could rewrite that whole Script, but i'm not so sure about it, i think all i could do is to write over it, to cover the wrong lines, being unable to completely erase them.
"The overwhelming urge to watch P". Sometimes i feel like i MUST watch P, or i'll die. That's what i was talking about in some previous post when i was refering to Cocaine like addiction. That was real, and now i'm experiencing it, and it's not funny for sure. You must be right, no matter what, this P addiction, is just like anything else in the Mankind! It can be destroyed trough determination, consistence, repetition of efforts.
For sure, next time i'll feel such urge, i'll just cut the internet off, go out, keep myself busy.
Nah, i'm not giving up yet, im in no Mood to give up.


**Thanks a lot ThisWont'beme:
Well i implied that my condition was more severe, but it doesn't matter, it's no competition. We all go trough the same feeling at some stages, guilt and depression are the leading ones.
Ya, this forum gives much support, and i'm grabbing as much as i can of it.
I'm trying it indeed, to busy myself, to avoid theses SICK, DISGUSTING, BUGGING, (i'm going crazy hehe) mind images. During the day, im pretty successfull, the hardest part is the nite, whenever i close an eye, this mental polution occurs. Paradoxally, It increases now that i gave up P. But i knew that was going to happen, but still that's not enjoyable.
Well, i felt that, even tho i can't dictate what i think in my dreams, when i kinda avoid anykind of images in my mind before i fall asleep, i can more or less control my dreams, but it doesn't always work. I hope i can get a stronger control of anything that is going throught my mind in the future (that's my mind afterall!).
I'll try to kick sadness and depression.


Thanks all of you for this important support in a tough moment.

[ThisWontBeMe]

Here's an idea....

If you are indeed having trouble at night with those mental images, maybe some music some help. Nothing loud and rockish, but maybe some soothing R&B or whatever you wanna listen to. It takes your mind off things, lets you relax, and will put you to sleep easier.

Hope this works!

[Coyote Toast]

I'm blown away by how hard you're working on this. It's downright inspiring -- thank you for sharing it with us.

I don't think a specialist is really required to make headway on your P problem. A good psychotherapist will help you explore the underlying reasons you have become addicted. Although P is addictive, as are many drugs, people don't get addicted just because they get exposed -- core personality traits feed into it. Those traits can be identified and shaped with steady effort. Believe me, most therapists are very difficult to shock with revelations because they have heard so much. Their job is to extend compassionate understanding to anyone who needs help. Ultimately you have to find your own path through all this, but it wouldn't hurt to have a guide. Trusting someone else to play that role for you might be therapeutic in itself.

Regardless, I wish you the best of luck.

[HalfPint]

hey ATraversLesFlammes, its good to see that your succeeding against porn. I hope that you've been able to improve in the depression area though. I know when I was trying to overcome porn the massive amounts of time, sometimes it was enough to get me down. I'll let you know something though, and this is something I don't tell people that I know face to face. I almost took my life on several occasions and I used to cut all the time. (not trying to compare to anyone else or belittle anyone else by that statement). All I'm trying to say is, depression is a scary thing. But you can get through that, just like you can get over the porn. Make sure you surround yourself with people who your friends with, and make sure to keep a good stock of marshmallows *they help me when I'm depressed lol* After about a month of being porn free I did notice that I was able to keep my depression down and that it wasn't a problem anymore. I've been feeling similar to being depressed last couple of days but that could also be from the exhaustion of the mono I'm getting over, and on top of that I work with a couple of . . . well . . . I'll just let you think of a not so nice word that I can call them. ANYWAYS, Its encouraging to me, and I'm sure many others on this forum, to see you succeed. It always makes my day better to see another person starting their journey and succeeding at it. Hang it there, it will get better. The images will be more easily suppressed to