knowing its there

[trueself]

i am 11 days free and today i feel in control. i wish i knew it was over and the urges will never come to me again. however, i know that is not true. but i feel that as long as i know that they are just urges and not necessities they wont catch me off gaurd. i will not fall into the darkness that once had control of my life and was tearing it apart. thank God for this site for it truly is a God send.

[Tim Mathers]

Well I find that interesting. I have tried to abstain from sexual thoughts and things of that nature, but it never works, I can hold off for a few months but then I'd go back in some ridiculous fashion.

I find that it's not sexuality, but a perversion of it. For instance, if you have a woman and you're planning on marrying her or establishing something meaningful you could be as sexual as you want, but what you cling to isn't the sex, but virtues. Things like honor and loyalty, patience and honesty (with yourself above all else).

I would advise not just walking away from P, but gravitating towards something meaningful instead.

[davids]

It seems to me that being able to focus on some other thing other than p or the thoughts of things I have sought or even craved for in the past is the key to beating this vicious cycle of p and mb, and also the desire to make real change in my life.

It seems that I had to come to a place of real brokenness and repentance for thes past actions for my mind to begin to make new connections with positive pure thoughts, and to behin to purge the old thoughts.

It has been 20 days so far,and the desire to view p and mb are still there, but with this site and a new resolve it has been easier to resist, and I feel like a cleaner more honest person.

d

[HalfPint]

hey trueself. congratulations on having succession over those 11 days, thats totally awesome. Great job. Keep it up, soon you'll be saying "1 month clean"

@davids. I understand what you mean when you said that you still have the desire but its getting easier to resist. I'm working on about 84, or 85 days now and I'm still feeling that desire inside to go back and look at porn. For me this is the best way to describe it: Looking at porn is like tapping a new well. The water pressure at first seems minimal to the point that, if you wanted to, you could plug it and walk away. After a while it gets heavier and heavier, when pretty soon you have a river. Naturally, as all water does, especially rivers, things get eroded. The river decides the path it takes and erodes stuff from the sides and pretty soon the life you have feels jagged, beat up, no longer straight. It seems like the water just never stops, but now I can build a dam. I feel like when I quit I was able to start building a dam to keep that water at bay. Sure it may spring a leak now and then, and sure I will have to keep working on that dam the rest of my life. I have to keep it maintained or else it will fall back down, but I can do it. I swore to never put that hammer back down. I will always be improving my dam. who knows, maybe its even possible to put the water back where it belongs, but right now for me, It feels like the pressure is still there. Its still pushing, it still wants to come back out and run freely, but I know thats not good because it will just continue to eat away at my life as a river does to the earth.

Its amazing how it does get easier and easier as time goes on however. It seems that the pressure just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Its amazing, and wonderful, both at the same time.

Keep in there trueself, your doing great. I cant wait to see you post again and see how your doing.

[dave42]

Hi Trueself: I think you are right: the urges to look at p are probably going to continue. I'm at Day 30, and I have fewer urges sometimes, but not always. Good luck!