Time to let it go

[Blue_Ocean]

It has been a relief to discover this website and the people in it who have been brave enough to be candid about their PA.

I find it very uncomfortable to acknowledge that I am a PA, its not quite what I had in mind for myself. In fact only recently did it occur to me that I was one. Looking back, I've been at it on and off for roughly 15 years. But not even I can believe my rationalizations about it any further.

Besides the feelings generally associated with acting out, like self-loathing, guilt, regret, disgust, breaking promises to oneself to never do it again etc, I've recently began to appreciate the finer, more insidious effects it has.

With every episode something is lost. Something very precious, eroded. Only much later did this become apparent. Only much later did I realize that shutting down the computer, did not also make the shadow go away. It followed me to bed. To work. To coffee with friends. An ever-present reminder of my self-betrayal.

However, earlier this week I made a commitment to myself to stop. Knowing full well that its not the first time. But this is the first time I've been able to share my demon, throw some light on it.

Its been 4 days now and going strong. Thank you all for your courage. Its been an inspiration and I don't feel so alone anymore. I hope to be able to contribute something back too.

[JenMac]

Welcome Blue Ocean!
I would like to welcome you here to TTF! As you seem to be aware, this is a great place that you find yourself! It is so helpful that you should feel that you are not alone in this fight.
My H Mac and I have been members of TTF for 6 months. We are so grateful that we found this place too. It has been so helpful to us as we have moved along in our recoveries.
I am sure you will find lots of support and wisdom here Blue! You may recognize yourself in many of the strories you read here. Read, listen and learn! There is much here for you to absorb!
I wish you all the best as you begin your fight! It is wonderful that you are committing to a better life for yourself, a life where you can take back your dignity and self respect!
There are many here to cheer you on in your recovery Blue Ocean!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[mell]

Blue Ocean,

Welcome to TTF!

It seems like you are very aware of the destructive nature of this addiction.

I find it helpful to come here often to read and post. The support here is awesome! There is a section here for recovery journals. I post in mine every day. It is such a great help and I have recieved tons of support from many different members.

I also find it very helpful to 'give back' some of the things that I have learned on my journey.

Welcome aboard and best wishes for your recovery!

[2frustrated]

You're in the right place! Visit daily, and you will start to feel a genuine change.