PA question: How do you support your SO?

[JenMac]

Hi everyone!
I posted this thread in the Questions to PAs forum but it seems to get buried there so I am reposting it here.

Supporting your SO - Today, 08:37 AM

A question to the PAs here, particularly those who feel they are on a path to recovery with their SOs.

What have you done or what are you doing to reconnect with your wife/SO? What steps are you taking to support her and to foster your relationship?

This question was prompted by me realizing how much my H's desire and willingness to do so much for me, to care for me, nurture me, support me, has assisted me in my path to recovery.

I believe by sharing what it it that you feel has helped you will also help others. SOs feel free to chime in on things that you feel your Hs have done that have helped you as well!

Try to be as specific as you can ie. Patience - How did you show this patience?

Thanks guys, looking forward to your responses!

Jenn

[mell]

Jenn,

Very timely post for me. You ever notice how some things just seem to happen at the right point in time?

The main thing for me right now is to get away from my isolationism and just be there for my family. Making conversation with the children, doing chores, becoming involved in the family's day-to-day activities.

As a PA, I tend to be very selfish. I have a "what about me" syndrome. I have to break that and put myself third instead of first (God, family, me).

I'm sure as time goes by I will, through growth, focus on different things.

Just as I do, my wife has to recover for herself. I have to be there to help her with whatever she needs from me. I need to be 'in tune' to her.

-Mell

[Mac]

This is a really good question by Jenn.
It has made me stop and think about what I have been doing. I think at the start of all this I was more or less just reacting rather than having a real plan in place. At the start Jenn just shut down and was totally consumed by what had happenned and trying to deal with it. She was unable for a time to be able to concetrate on anything other than our situation.
So at that time I had to jump in and take over most of the of the household stuff inside and out, and I know at that time i was also just falling all over myself to do anything that would make her feel anything positive.
As time went on and through some very open and honest conversations with Jenn she started to open up and really tell me just how deep the hurt and pain of this went with her. ( I don't think us PA's can ever completely understand this). It was then that i think i realized that in order to get through this it was going to take some extraordinary measures from me. I knew I needed to be more for her than I had ever been before. I feel like I have always been fairly attentive, but I knew I needed to be even more.
The following is my list of things I do
.
- Patience and lots of it.
- Try to never show frustration( this will backfire everytime)
- Talk when she needs to talk
- Talk about what she needs to talk about
- Hug her
- Stay involved daily in your recovery, SO's more than anything need that reinforcement, and It shows your commitment. For me I needed to show this everyday to help me feel good about myself
- Talk
- Hug her
- Do little things for her for no reason, this will make you feel great as well
- Make sure you set time aside to deal with things properly, take the time, don't rush through things. Remember nothing else is as important as this is.
- Hug her

I definately have more to add to this but I have to go for now, but I will be back.

Thanks Jenn for making us think about this.

Mac

[JenMac]

Thanks Mell!
Yes I have noticed that it seems that just what you need comes along at just the right time!
I am so happy for you that you are trying to connect more with your family! Putting the effort into your communication with them will pay off big time in how they respond to you. I am sure you are feeling it already.
Mell I think you are working very hard to make sure you are not selfish. I can see it here in your posts to others! I am happy you want to be in tune with your wife also. I hope she will recognize your extra efforts that you have been making.
Thanks for responding Mell!
You are a great asset here at TTF!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Thanks for responding Mac!
I appreciate the time you spent responding. I know you felt you didn't have much of a chance to think about it and that you may come back to it.
I think you have much to say here as I have seen it in action.
Thanks for all of the great things you said here, and as I am the recipient of these things, I can tell you they have helped immensely to put me on a positive path to recovery! Thank you so much for that too!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

I love how the list you posted was full of hugs Mac. They are something small that can go a really long way. >:D< to everyone.

[HopefulsRock]

Jenn, I’m like most guys and when there’s a problem or something needs fixing I like to jump in and solve the problem and get things running and back to normal. However, when it comes to sharing my feelings, inner thoughts and emotions to fix that problem, oh boy… there lies my weakness, but I realize how much this can help in the fixing department so here goes. My wife (Hopeful) has been my counsel and I believe that hers has been TTF and maybe me? We (or I) didn’t have the trust to seek counseling so we worked together to find books and help and somewhere along the way I came across these 7 simple things that I refer to once in a while to help me get back to being the guy she married.

• Love her and let her know and feel it. Little things like leaving her a quick note or poem, some flowers or a treat, try cooking a meal, try doing her chores, take her on a date, I guess just surprise her once in a while and act like you’re still trying to win her over.
• I really want to be my Hopeful wife’s Rock, but sometimes I’m just as dense as one. She has been giving me the biggest answer to this problem for years by telling me I need to pay attention and listen. She even bought me a shirt once that read, “I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention” jeezand I still didn’t get it!
• Protect her because she needs to feel the strength of our relationship and family and that I will not allow anything or anyone to come between the bond we have… ever!
• She also needs to know and feel my commitment to her and our relationship. It’s easy to say all the right things in little letters and poems, but if you don’t back it up with action then they’re just words. In the past I have done cards, letters and poems, but I was guilty of not listening and taking the time to sit and just chat with her and maybe enjoy a laugh or cry.
• I need to appreciate her more and value her opinion because she has some darn good ones and I’d be a fool not to and I certainly have been that for a lot of years.
• Show some compassion for Gods sake and hers! I need to be aware of her feelings and have the desire to alleviate her problems. My selfish ways of the past have made me rather callas to other people’s feelings and emotions and I am indeed guilty of taking her for granted and having little or no compassion.
• Last but not least, I need to be partners with her in everything. Be it our family dilemmas, chores, the stress of friends, our finances, vacation and work schedules or whatever life throws at us, I can handle lots of what comes our way, but together we are ten times as strong and there’s nothing we can’t handle as one!

This is my basic “Rock” manual and by no means am I fluent at it. Probably because I’m not too good at reading manuals or at paying attention… but I’m learning!

[JenMac]

Thank you Rock! That is a great entry!
I can see you have thought long and hard about how to support Hopeful and even though you may not be perfect at it, the intent is there and that is SO important!!!
Many of the things on your list are things I have had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of too and it truly does help us on our path to healing. You said, act like you are still trying to win her, that is actually still the case in this situation, isn't it? To prove you still care enough to deserve us in your lives, to prove your committment to the recovery of your relationship.
I think some of you guys could get together and compile a great relationship recovery guide! I thank you for your thoughtful, heartfelt reply!
I am so happy to see how far you and Hopeful have come in the time you have been here!
All the best!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

Great post Rock. It was a good read. Even a little funny. :D

[artguy34]

• Last but not least, I need to be partners with her in everything. Be it our family dilemmas, chores, the stress of friends, our finances, vacation and work schedules or whatever life throws at us, I can handle lots of what comes our way, but together we are ten times as strong and there’s nothing we can’t handle as one!

This is probably one of the best motto's we as PA's can live by as we progress in our recovery and try to help our SO's. This is the reality we need to focus on. There is no "I" or "ME" in the word "TEAM"!

Great posts everyone!