PA question: How do you support your SO?

[Caffiend]

My SO has spoken of Jenn & Mac so often & with such esteem that I felt it proper to address my first response to a thread that you began. Right now I am working hard on listening to my SO when she needs to vent. Even when it seems like it's the hundredth time we've had the same discussion. My first instinct has always been to throw up a wall, get defensive & usually leaving the room mad. This doesn't do either of us a favor. It's a work in progress but I feel I am making some baby steps. I'm also hoping that when my SO reads what is easier for me to write than express sometimes personally, then this will perhaps throw her a bone on how I do care about her healing from my past disgressions. Thanks for the question that made me think.

[JenMac]

HI Caffiend!
Nice to 'meet' you! So happy to see you post here, as I feel it is very appropriate and important for both you and H!
Caffiend, Mac and I were just speaking of this within the last week. I remember clearly that I had very little anger, but the specific times I did had to do with when mac was in any way being defensive or downplaying this at all. Then and only then, my anger was instant and intense. And he remembers that well too. He was saying this week that there was a point in time where he just realized and made the decision to just not go there,to defensiveness or holding back, that he had to be willing and open to letting it all out, no matter how painful or uncomfortable this was for him. He came to realize that harm was being done by the very act of holding back and even though it may cause damage to go to these difficult places, he was gaining nothing by resisting.
I can't tell you how important that was to our healing Caffiend. So very important! When we SOs can begin to see that you are willing and ready to go there, it gives us a sense of something that makes us believe in you. Even though what we may hear will be so very difficult for us, we realize that you are letting the walls down and making a committment to honesty and being forthright. That lets us know through your actions that you are on a good path!
It is up to each couple what is important as far as the details of what is disclosed. For me, I knew that as long as Mac was willing to go there, I could take my time to decide what it was I needed to know to further my healing. I have taken my time and been careful in that area of this recovery. That has boded well for me at this time.
Caffiend, I am glad that you are here! You have come to a good place for support and guidance. TTF has been a true blessing to mac and I for the past 15 months!
All the best!
Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Right now I am working hard on listening to my SO when she needs to vent. Even when it seems like it's the hundredth time we've had the same discussion.

This goes both ways. If the PA gets defensive after hearing the same discussion a hundred times, the SO is truly tired of having to have the same conversation a hundred times!

[HopefulsRock]

Hi folks just wanted to share something here... after talking with all the couples in last nights group chat I believe the best road to a successful recovery is to have your SO in the know on your problems. It seems the couples that joined us are on a good path to recovery. Just my opinion but there are many guys on here who haven't told their SO and are trying to go it alone and I sincerely hope that approach works for them but I think they're missing out on potentially their biggest support from this addiction!

[Hibiscus]

I agree with Rock. Even if the partner doesn't know exactly what is going on and the PA is convinced his tracks are covered, we always know SOMETHING isn't right. That alone is torturous. It's the transparency - full disclosure - that finally makes it able to move forward. Yes, it hurts...a LOT. But it's necessary to move on and build intimacy.

[Devastated2]

It's as if this addiction gives you a sixth sense when something is not right. You just know. Before my h was in recovery, he didn't get what I meant when I would tell him that. Now, I find when something is not right with me, he also 'just knows." It's as though he developed that too after he entered recovery and really began to understand PA.
In keeping with the thread, Truetome supports me in many ways, but the biggest to me is me SEEING him work hard at recovery: posting, going to SA, journaling, reading. I see him doing the work. The best part? I know he is doing it to be a better man, not just to appease me. He will also ask me if he feels something is wrong, which is huge for me bc there is still so much that is hard to talk about. We are working on that too though.

I agree with Rock. Even if the partner doesn't know exactly what is going on and the PA is convinced his tracks are covered, we always know SOMETHING isn't right. That alone is torturous. It's the transparency - full disclosure - that finally makes it able to move forward. Yes, it hurts...a LOT. But it's necessary to move on and build intimacy.