Back into the cycle

[mell]

Hello all. I am a forty year old returning member (haven't been here for probably a year). I'm back because I let myself go again, into the viscous cycle of lies, excuses, and self medication.

About this time last year, I was caught looking at P by my wife (again). I found this site and began to post. I received a lot of support and encouragement and started back on the long road to recovery. I even made an online accountability partner and we shared emails regularly.

Then, after about a month and a half, I "got better" It was amazing. I wasn't having the cravings. I was still very ashamed for my previous actions, I didn't want my children to see any evidence of my addiction in my computer history or e-mails (even though they already know).

So, I went through my daily routines. The beast was out of sight, but not gone by any means. It was there waiting for me to allow it back in. I say it this way because it is how it happens with me. The beast can only come back if and when I allow it to.

My cycle generally starts with stress. I keep most of my problems inside. Eventually, they need to come out. My method is through P. I know this, through a lifetime of addiction, starting in my teens.

The bottom line is that I, and only I allow P to enter my life. It never satisfies me, just lusts for more and more. Like the snowball rolling down a hill, it just keeps growing.

When I am in this phase, I lose my sense of reason. I know it is wrong, I know I need help, but......just a little more and I will be able to turn it off. Well, many of us know how that works out. It keeps going until something forces it to stop. In my case, it is always the discovery of my actions by my wife.

So.....here I am again, having just acted out again, going through the cycle again, again again again.

One of my favorite definitions is of insanity:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

I know how to recover, I have had periods of success. My weakness is allowing myself to think, after a time, that I have it whipped and I don't need support anymore.

Thanks for reading, I'm open to any advice and help that anybody can offer.

I am near Rochester, NY. If anybody else is near and would like to find an accountability partner, please ask. I need one, a real one, who can call or stop by, and I'll do the same.

Thanks to all,
Mell

[JenMac]

Hey Mell!
Welcome back to TTF!
My H and I have been members here for the past few months and this site and the people here have helped us tremendously! The support and wisdom of the members has been amazing!
Also being here together,working on this as a team and keeping it in the forefront of our minds has been very beneficial to us through this trying time.
I think I feel the need to keep this in the forefront for the reasons that you have mentioned in your post. The idea of this addiction just waiting to draw you back in is so true, I believe that so much!
Wishing you well as you start your recovery to a Pfree life Mell!
Perhaps your wife would be interested in joining, I'm sure she would benefit greatly as well.
Take care!
Jenn

[mell]

thanks, JM. Hoping you and you partner's journey is going well.

You are corecct - recovery needs to be in the forefront. For me, the embarrasment kicks in a couple months into recovery after a fall. I will be doing well and I start the subtle slip - feeling like I deserve a pat on the back.

When my SO asks me something about my recovery, I wriggle out of it - and the cycle starts. It takes a while to get to the acting out stage, but I set the boundries again and begin to drift away.

I've been to suppot groups (SA) and it seems to me that most addicts have other influences and P is a release. That is definately the case here.

When I am in a bad state - there is always a reason or excuse to start with the actions and attitudes that lead to acting out.

That is my struggle, I need to always realize and ACCEPT the fact that I am an addict. No matter how good a person I am professionally or to the everyday people I interact with, I am and will always be an addict.

[mell]

Yes, regardless of how I conduct myself for the rest of my life, I am and will be an addict.
I just hope when I take my last breath I can say I had put it in it's place and didn't leave here carrying that shame and guilt to where ever my next stop will be.



Very strong words, CF and very scary. One trap I always fall into is complacency. I have some sobriety and let myself think I can beat this on my own.

I know I am and will always be an addict, but I never considered taking it to my grave.

Thanks for the eye opener.

[maggie]

Mell,

I need to go back and read your 08 postings from a year ago. I haven't yet, so I may not have all the facts, but something you wrote scares me.

I'm trying to understand all of this.

After you get caught, probably the denials & excuses burst forth, but then a few months later you start to feel guity and are in recovery. In recovery meaning, you are examining what got you there, seeing the addiction for what it is and how it affected you, and making a plan to prevent it from occuring again.

When you said that you "feel like you need a pat on the back," at this point, do you mean two months into recovery ? What kind of reward ? More support or praise from your SO?

I have read that support from the SO is very important and there are a few SOs on here who have bravely loved and supported their PA every step of the way.

I have not. So, I'm wondering if that's what you meant. In other words, if the SO is more openly supportive " pat on the back " do you think that would have prevented the relapse ?

[mell]

Maggie,

Good questions. To answer, please understand that I can only speak for my own cycle and habits.

I have discovered a lot about myself in recovery (sometimes a lot more than I ever wanted to know).

What has happened to me a couple times in the past is: I begin to make good strides, digging deep into my personal conflicts and discovering triggers. I feel a great sense of accomplishment (deservedly so).

Somewhere along the recovery path, I tend to get complacent, feeling like I have my addiction under control. I am mentally aware of my triggers and I keep away from them. As this goes on, my awareness slowly slips, little by little. I feel like I have won the battle.

The big problem is that my attitude allows me to start letting the triggers back into my life. I become more and more distant. I avoid confrontation. I start to feel like I am being "wronged" by others, my SO, work, friends, family, etc.

I fail to make my recovery a priority. When I get to this point, I am on an inevitable path to relapse.

I guess I have to admit that in the past I have expected recovery to be short, sweet, and final. I want so badly to be able to put the pain behind me and move on to a "normal" life.

As far as support, in my case it is not a lack of support from my SO but a failure on my part to continue working my recovery. My wife will ask about my recovery from time to time and depending on my mood, I am either willing to discuss it or I feel very angry - like she is accusing me of slipping. The "pat on the back" I seek usually comes from within. I feel proud of what I have done and expect recognition.

In my opinion, a "perfect" SO would be both tough and supportive. Regardless, recovery in a couples situation (one PA one SO) has to be mutual, as difficult as it may be.

I hope this makes sense.