now is the time

[trueself]

I am a recovering PA my wife caught me one morning looking at she walked in and i was so ashamed. i have been doing this for a while. it was to the point to where it turned into my morning routine like some people have coffee. i would wake up blurry eyed and get on the computer i new exactly what site to go to and which links to click on. i would releive my self and then go about my day. i always had a little guilt but i just told my self it was normal. when my wife (girl friend at the time) walked in on me i could tell it hurt her and i felt sick and vowed never to look at it again. i think it was a week but it could have been and probualy was less than a week. i was at it again. I felt so good in that short period of time. i asked my wife to marry me august 06 and she said yes i felt so great i stopped again for 2 to 3 weeks. then the planning of the wedding came and my stress with money and family drama went way up and i started again. i would feel better while i was doing it and looking but after i was done i would feel sick to my stomach and get really bad migrains. i felt so guilty but at the same time it relieved my stress going back to what i knew and thought i could control. after the wedding i thought now that that stress was gone i could just stop and i dont have to worry about hiding it from my true best friend and lover and wife. but it did not stop it started right after the honeymoon. i started to get bored of just the usual p sites so i decided to look at some real women on and just for pics at the begining and then i started to read about what they wanted to hear and looking for then i started to respond to them just to talk dirty. i soon found a free personal site to create a profile and look and talk to women. and then i was caught my wife called me at work to inform me that she saw all my emails and knew what was going on. i felt so bad i tried desperatly to lie my way out of it. it hurt so bad to know that i hurt her so bad the last person i would ever want to hurt. i felt like such a scumb bag. we sat down that night and talked about what happened and told her the truth about everything and i did feel better and we learned that night that i has and addiction. so i went and read a book called out of the darkness and had counceling. i felt so good i went 6 weeks no relaps we found out we where pregnant and needed to save all our money which was alot of stress and my car was stolen for the 2nd time in two months wich was another financial stress. work turned out to be another factor and i relapsed. i told my self that this would never get the better of me again but sure enough it did. i was scared i was not strong because i relapsed and i did not want my wife to think that and i wanted to do this on my own so i lied to my theripist and told him i was doing good i told him all the right things. in turn i ingmored my adiction and i fell deep i have gotten to the point of talking about meeting and then when it gets to that point i back out. my wife found out again and it tore me up. i did what i said i would never do again i promised and i broke that promise i lied to my wife which i said i would never do again. i should have taken her up on her support the first time. i am in the downward spiral of looking for the next step thrill the next bigger fix and i am terrified of what the next step is. i now know that i cant do this on my own and i need help and support. and i have to go to my therepy appointment tomorrow and tell him i have lied to him the past2 months. so far 2 days.

[ATraversLesFlammes]

I've experienced the same desillusions in the past, after being clean for a few months. i got back at it, throught softcore content. That's my weakness. Just understand what brings you back to it, and try to work it out.

In fact, not acknowledging the problem as an addicition hurts very bad. Otherwise, one knows he must be more carefull, especially when you feel stressed for other reasons. But you don't want to go back at it everytime you're in trouble.

At least, you know what's going on, and that others experience the same feelings: guilty, ashamed, maybe disgusted. Is it worth it?

Anyway, Porn is awfull. In fact, you're not so deep in the addiction yet, since you were able to give up for two months, without experiencing Major (and i mean Major) post addiction disorders, including theses sick noctural emissions, as i did myself, and i'm still shocked.

The main aspect of P, that's negative to you, is that no matter what, you get less interest in your wife, and the envy to cheat on her will grow, that's just how it works.

In addition, i assume, you prolly have less satisfaction in your S life, or at least, less than you would have without this "third partner".

The good point, is that if you've given up for two months, it's very possible for you to give up altogether, but it's hard as you could experience, cause if you don't go deeply in your understanding, acknowledging, of how bad it is for yourself, whenever you're in a stressfull period of your life, and other troubles seem to be even worse than this one; then you'll just go back to it. Each come back is worse, so be carefull: you'll overstep what u did, and it never stops.

How much time does it take to be totally clean: a lifetime is my conclusion. But the rewards are great.

[davids]

Trueself, I can totally relate to you. My wife caught me at the computer, I thought she was away for a few days and I had the house to myself. The thoughts of myself alone with the computer for a few hours put me in a mood of anxiety and nervous tension, I even had uncontrolled shakes. I have even had the migraines that you talk about, however i denied they could possibly be due to my "normal use of porn"

Anyway even after being caught that time, and feeling guilty, I still had to follow through and spent most of the weekend viewing p and mbing even though I knew the short term consequnces would be a lack of sleep and probably a migraine.

I decided to seek out counselling, but now realize that this was my wifes desire for me and not my own, I just went along with the Idea to make it look as though I wanted to change and stop. So I let the p addiction continue on and rule my life.

You struck a nerve in me when you said how p had become a routine like a morning coffee. That has been me. and as comfortable as it seemed It was troubleing me and I felt I could stop anytime I wanted. I guess that is what an addiction is, something you know is harmful, and you believe you can stop anytime at will, but just "one last time" is never the last. And look out if you make a routine out of it.....you just reinforce the addiction into your brain.

So here I am day 10 now trying to break these connections and pathways that have been programmed into my brain, over the past years, and trusting in Gods promises that he will be their for me, and knowing that I am doing the noble thing by staying clean, and keepin myself for my wife.



I have learned, that the desire for me to change must come from Inside my heart and not from guilt.

Thanks for your post, it helped me to learn more of myself.