Sxual behavior towards SO(help)

[Charly22]

Yes, understanding my emotions is one aspect of "emotional gratification".....taking the time to connect in that way before anything else.....romance if you will.

There's a word that porn has stomped on and buried........romance.....

[Alika]

Its hard because i am a person who don't really like others flaring up but a civlised conversation on how to work things out instead of shouting but now i am face with a girlfriend of mine who at times deosn't even know how to explain her feelings in words but just says that its moody, Its not that i don't believe that something bothering her but i just do not understand that its impossible to explain your thoughts and feelings rather then i dunno whats going on...

Immediate thought that came to mind is: what if she doesn't like flaring up one bit? If she isn't too skilled at or used to explaining her feelings, it might be very frustrating trying to without having the or finding the adequate words. Such frustration can also be difficult to identify and express, and frustration building up till it finds it outlet may very well be perceived as flaring up. It's just a thought though and may not apply to the situation at all.

Personally, I felt crowded by an ex boyfriend (we were in our early 20s at the time). He had been intimate with 2-3 others before me but had not had actual sx due to religion (Catholic), due to being a shy and insecure introvert, etc. He was overly anxious to explore sx, to view p, to discuss sx. I tried in vain to explain to him that there was more to life than sx, and I did lose my temper with him a few times in spite of being rather calm and rational most of the time (p will to this day make me forget all about calm and rational nature though). He made me feel that sx was all he wanted from me, and I withdrew further and further from him the more he tried to pressure me into intimacy. We never addressed it in any adult fashion, we barely were adults at the time, and leaving the issues unresolved lead to breaking up. I can't recommend going that route, leaving issues unresolved.

I think 2frustrated makes a real good point

Conversely, why do you increasingly pursue MB as a source of intimacy, when it is clear that you are not that strongly connected with her in other areas (emotionally, psychologically)?

I am aware it may be a little bit too blunt for your immediate liking (I have the posts about ”tough love” in your journal a while back in mind) but the point is really good and I think you should give it attention and lots of consideration, both as part of your recovery process and as part of examining your relationship. Even better if you find that point in time where you can talk it through with your girlfriend.

I hope this is just a bit helpful, it still seems real hard to give any advice with the scarce knowledge of circumstances and also due to your girlfriend not having her own voice here on TTF. What I do appreciate a whole lot is that you seek advice and experiences specifically from SOs as a means to understanding more, kudos to you, Starpuppy :)

- Alika

[vintageturtle]

Its hard because i am a person who don't really like others flaring up but a civlised conversation on how to work things out instead of shouting but now i am face with a girlfriend of mine who at times deosn't even know how to explain her feelings in words but just says that its moody, Its not that i don't believe that something bothering her but i just do not understand that its impossible to explain your thoughts and feelings rather then i dunno whats going on...

Hi StarPuppy,

I'm new here so I kind of feel like I'm barging in on your thread, but what you wrote here sounds very familiar to me, so I thought I would chime in.

I can identify with your girlfriend here; when I'm newly upset about something, I'll often avoid explaining it or I'll clam up and not talk about it. I'm not trying to be difficult or punish or shut out my H; I'm trying to process my thoughts and feelings so that I can communicate clearly and honestly. Sometimes I just need a cooling-off period. Sometimes I'll go over all the stuff I think I want to say to H, have arguments with him in my head, and then realize that it's unreasonable or unfair or just silly. And I'll also be able to get a clearer picture of what is really bothering me. And then I can go to him and tell him what's on my mind, without saying anything hurtful in the heat of the moment.

This has come up for us lately; H really didn't understand. He didn't know how I could be thinking or feeling something and not want to tell him. I think he almost viewed it as dishonesty, like I was burying my real feelings. He said he would never be thinking something he wouldn't tell me. I think that is where the difference is; I think of all sorts of things that I wouldn't want to say, hurtful reflex reactions that I don't think are the 'real me' and that I don't want to communicate to him. We just have different ways of reacting and communicating.

I don't know if that is the situation for you and your girlfriend or not, but it sounded similar to my H and I, so I thought it might help for me to share my perspective.

[paulmor909]

Well to me this seems like an awkward situation. You two are a couple but have decided not to have sex but still live together? Honestly I would not live with a girl in this kind of situation. If she has already given you *REMOVED*, than you two have had sex. What's wrong with birth control? if you afraid of accidents? With no sexual outlet, this has to make a PA worse, I know it would for me. Having sex with my wife makes it possible for me to fight this thing. No sex, I cant imagine, maybe no chance. It's actually one of the reasons I have not done well being single because of my sex drive and urges.

[Jon Doe 109]

Good thread, lot's of helpful replies... Perhaps you could try to 'date' her again. If she does not want to be physical with you it's very possible that you are not meeting her needs in a very significant way. To re-discover what she needs, take her out and get to know her again. Go out, connect, listen, talk, learn what she really needs from you as the man in her life. My 2 cents.
Jon